Yet again

Yet again, I am re-committing to the process. I hate to keep posting that I'm back on because I've fallen off about 20 times since April but at least I keep trying to figure out how to stay on for the long haul. I do feel different this time though. I have cleaned out my supplies and only kept what I will actually eat, I am in the process of "quitting" my job or at least taking a year off so I can focus on what's important and I am cleaning out the house & trying to make life more simplified. I'm also being more aware of my romanticizing food. I'm like a "love addict" when it comes to food - I keep going back to the nachos just in case this time I find true love!! Oh well - I'll keep you posted as to how it's going.

Movie night in my world

I had another "episode" a couple of nights ago. I've decided to call them episodes. It's when I tap into the deep deep pain I've been carrying since I can remember. I have at times thought it was depression. In adolescence I was "there" most of the time and it fueled my suicidal fantasies. I remember thinking as a child "when will this feeling go away finally?" But the other day it took me by surprise. I haven't been depressed and I was home alone watching a movie and as I began crying at a sad scene from the movie I started going "there". The sobbing, the pain, the terror. I hadn't been "there" for a long time and I turned the movie off and spent some time feeling what I was feeling. What I was feeling was extreme fear and aloneness. What was coming up was being abused as a very small child by a neighbor. This has come up a few times over the past 20 years but the other night so many things fell into place. All those years having this feeling come up. Being active and busy helped my "feeling down" so I've busied myself since the age of 16. When I have moments of stillness or a lack of focus is when I seem to have these feelings surface. No wonder I can't stop. No wonder I'm so scared of giving up the quest. And no wonder I eat. I feel so sorry for that little girl that lived through that. I feel so sorry that for most of her life she was manifesting that abuse in so many ways and misunderstood by peers and parents and continued to be sent out into the world without protection. I'm so grateful that I haven't given up on her or stopped believing what she could become. I want to still my life to the point that she can surface again in a place of safety and love and not have to eat to keep the feelings from surfacing. I don't need to be afraid of the feelings. They are real and I'm strong enough to handle them now.

Putting on new glasses

For full disclosure, I've gained a total of 22 lbs from my low of 239. Yes, I'm bummed about that - it seems like A LOT!! Well, it is a lot. It's harder to walk & function & move. But, on the other hand, November was a big month in regrouping. I've had many decisions to face and things hit me from all sides. I've had to take some time remembering what I stand for and what's really important to me. I've had to fight with my inclinations and standard mind set. Life is all about which glasses you choose to see out of. So I'm replacing them once again and trying out a new set.

One thing that has been difficult is letting go of ideas and dreams. I watched the Beyonce tour last night and she was crying saying - Why did God give her such a life and such gifts. She was living her dream. And it made me think that I have an amazing life but it's been hard to enjoy it at times because it wasn't my "dream". I feel I'm living someone else's perfect life but I feel so out of place at times. And yet, nothing is really wrong with it. I had these visions of what I would be when I grew up and how I would feel and be and this has all been a journey to accepting where I am without judgment and loving the life I've been given. It's not about NOT loving it, it's about letting go of the fantasy. The reality is, if I really wanted that other life I would have created it for myself. There was nothing with that life that was really out of reach, it was actually more work than I wanted and it was sometimes based on things I didn't really value - like success or money. So on with today and being back on. I've begun working with my new counselor and I'm finishing the book she recommended - "The Happiness Trap" by Dr. Russ Harris. I'm excited to see how December works for me!!

Fighting the good fight

So I'm working through the issues once again. I'm down 3+ lbs and I'm allowing food thoughts to come and go in my head without being hooked into them. I had a serious talk with Kurt about not bringing me junk and how truly destructive it is to have said junk hand delivered to me each night. Really not helpful nor loving. I found a local counselor to work with for a few months to help me get back on track. It's not about losing my way as much as feeling spun around like a top and then asked to walk a straight line. I feel as if I don't know if I'm coming or going so it's hard to be clear about goals and wants and desires when I'm not sure what life looks like every 5 minutes. Parents of young children can relate - it's a crazy life right now - too many schedules to track and too many demands. It's hard to keep myself in the mix at all times - it feels impossible at times to make my health a priority but then I think how life will truly be messed up if I get sick again - so on with the fight. It's truly a fight, but one that I know I can win if I don't give up!

Losing the Battle

I'm back to my old behavior. I'm thoroughly off plan. I'm eating out several times a day - I'm eating almost whatever I want. I've taken on a lot so I have to remain functional which means I can't eat sugar as much as I would like but I still eat it in the manageable amounts. I eat at night until I'm uncomfortably full, until I get a headache, until I beg to throw up and I want to burst or cry or both. My husband went "on plan" & has lost however much weight he has lost but because he's 6'8" he already was thin so it's just rubbing salt in my wounds. No, what really rubs salt in my wounds is that he pronounces his new low number every few days and then brings me the requested junk food (even going out to buy it for me) hand delivered to my comfy chaise lounge and then goes off to his computer to unwind. He's done his loving duty for the day by appeasing me with junk food as he continues to lose weight. Because I HATE being competitive, my natural instinct is to roll over and that's what I've done. I have rolled over. I'm not going to compete with him - even though he isn't necessarily trying to compete with me. He's just a man and isn't thinking about his actions. I have to get mad again. I have to hate him again so I don't ask him for anything and I don't ask him to bring me food. That's what happened the first time - I began to hate him and hate the hand he was having in my gaining weight. It's like us both being alcoholics and I quit for a while so he wants in on the action and adulation so he quits and then brings me wine every evening. Is it really without malice? Really? No way to prove it either way, is there? I'm miserable again. I'm up to 255 which is within striking distance but it feels like such a setback. I need help and I'm not sure where to get it. I'm miserable.

I'd like a side of heartburn with that please

My friend was saying how hard it is to stay on program when trying to be a good hostess. My question is, "Which one of these guests asked for fattening or sugary foods?" I know from a guest's perspective that it's tantalizing and seemingly wonderful to show up and have decadent desserts or lots to choose from but I also know when I go home I beat myself up for eating what I ate, for not sticking to my "diet" of the month, for having seconds or thirds or for playing "stuff the piñata" with myself again. When I go to someone's house where I know they will make healthy food and a sugar free dessert I don't go home feeling miserable. I feel satisfied and happy that I didn't do bodily harm. And since the majority of Americans are overweight and upset about that, how is serving fattening or sugary foods at a dinner party the makings of a good hostess? Isn't it really the opposite? Aren't you actually setting your poor guests up for an evening of misery? Either heartburn, acid reflux, blood sugar diving and/or emotional turmoil? I in no way feel guilty for serving a beautiful salad with quality ingredients, a nice bottle of wine and a sugar free homemade apple pie to my guests. I'm not sure how that makes me a "bad" hostess. No, no one is accusing me of being a bad hostess but isn't that the natural logical progression? If they can't stay on plan because being a "good" hostess means cooking fatty sugary foods then . . . Just something to think about.

Where's the donuts??

I went back to full time (70 hrs/month) volunteer service in September. It's a one year commitment and on one hand it's very exciting because I haven't been healthy enough to do this for the past 16 years. On the other hand, it's a huge challenge and commitment when I work 2 jobs and have young children in the home - not even in full time school. But I thought by staying busy it would help with my eating issues. I do better when I'm busy. And it actually has helped. I am staying on program MUCH easier. But I find it interesting how mid-morning after being with people for a few hours, I crave food. Not that I don't crave food otherwise, but since I haven't been with people in cramped quarters for so long, it's been interesting to see how I'm trying to cope. It's kind of like, "This is a bit much - where's the donuts?" I have only given in once so far this month and it was totally not worth it!! Thank goodness for coffee!!

Tired

I once wrote that I didn’t believe people should say getting over food addiction is harder than other addictions. The logic that it’s harder states “we have to eat whereas alcoholics don’t have to be around alcohol” whereas my theory was that although we have to eat we don’t have to eat junk food, drive through food & sugar. But all that’s out the window. Here’s why I now see how it can be more difficult. It’s not about food addiction but emotional eating. Because I still have to eat I’m tending to not get over my emotional eating tendencies. Instead of going & buying donuts I just go out to a restaurant where I can order a salad and take care of my emotional eating in a little bit healthier way. But the problem with that is that every time I use food as comfort I am reinforcing the notion that I can’t deal with uncomfortable feelings on my own without the use of food. And when I’m uncomfortable and healthy food is not available I keep finding myself going for something carb and fat laden. I still beat myself up and still feel out of control. It’s as if an alcoholic is avoiding alcohol as a means to cope but is drinking amaretto flavored coffee syrup. Yeah it’s better and they will lead a more productive life because alcohol isn’t in the picture, but the crazy behavior is still there and the need for a way to cope hasn’t been dealt with.

Today I had a migraine and all I could do this morning was daydream about a bagel. All I wanted was a bagel. Then I thought, “maybe Kurt can bring me home something”. But I’m tired of using food as a way to cope. I’m tired of putting my goals on the back burner because I’m totally stressed right now and need to calm down. I’m tired of thinking 90 lbs down is good enough. I’m tired of being a hypocrite and eating one way in front of clients and another when I’m all alone. I’m tired of finding every excuse in the book to eat this one thing – until the next excuse comes in 12 hrs. But I’m also tired of not being able to eat when I want. I finally just cried because I wasn’t going to allow myself to eat “what I wanted” today. I know when I get to goal I will eat what I want. I will go through a whole new set of problems of learning how to eat what I want but not overdo it. But for now, I want to get to goal. I want to be done with this process and I want to quit wasting time. I’m really going to try to get back 100% for more than 2 days in a row. I want to feel in control again and if that means crying every day because I’m stressed out than whatever – that’s what waterproof mascara is for!

I've actually been doing pretty well this week. I've had a few missteps but the amazing part was that it didn't derail my whole day. I just got back and kept going. There was the Tues night "my mom is driving me to eat" event but still - got over it and got back on track. But last night I was craving something. Ate my little soft serve which was yummy but I WANTED something. So I thought - now's the time to test my theory. So Kurt gave me a great foot massage and it actually did the trick! My cravings actually went away and I made it through the night without going off plan. He says, "So great! Now I have to give you a foot massage so you won't eat??" But I said, "Normally you'd go downstairs and make whatever it is I'm craving so now you don't even have to get up!" Funny how it's easier for him to feed me than rub my feet!! :-) Oh well - all I know is that it worked.

I've also chosen to not go to a few gatherings this week because they were potlucks and I just haven't shown control yet at a potluck. Maybe in my next life, but right now humility dictates that I recognize my limits and just not put myself in harms way. I also called and changed where we're meeting family for dinner - again a buffet is not my best friend. How buffets can make gross tasting food look so tempting is beyond me! But I seem to fall for it every time. Then, of course, I feel so wasteful leaving food on my plate for them to haul away - ISSUES! So we're going where I can eat on program. Safety is a good thing - tried and tested safe places.

Okay people!! Let's keep going! We have a goal to attain. We can do this!

Make mine a double!

Every few years my husband tries to "off" me for the insurance money. He tried again today - he took us all on a 3 mile bike ride (sounds easy enough) but with some substantial hills, partly on a road (with CARS) and with two 5 year olds that JUST got their training wheels off. (These boys still "flintstone stop") The last hill while walking bikes, boys crying and cars driving by just about did me in. But then we had to walk our bikes & the boys' bikes - that was the final straw. Thankfully there was a wonderful store at the end of the upside down rainbow with yummy fresh fruit, coffee, pie and ice cream. So the question is - Is it better to have stayed home & on program? or Is it better to workout til tears and end it with pie and ice cream?

Your thoughts are welcome . . .

No turning back

It's been two months and I'm hovering near 240. I have gotten back to 239 a few times and then I go back up 5 lbs. Then I get serious and it takes me a while to get back and then I blow it again. But I began my full time volunteering again in September. It's been 16 years since I've been able to do this but by losing 90 lbs and by eating correctly on plan, I actually think I'll be able to do this. One thing making a difference is from the Habits of Health - tie the process to your fundamental beliefs. If you tie the process of eating correctly and taking care of your health and body to something that guides your daily decisions, it makes it all much easier. So a fundamental belief of mine is to give back - to volunteer - to educate others. But I'm not able to do that if I'm eating incorrectly and having "ice cream hangovers". If I eat sugar I wake up with a fever and I feel dull all day long. So I've committed this year (Sept - Aug) to giving 70 hours a month and the only way I can do that, have 3 kids and work is by eating correctly. So far, so good. I've been on plan since Monday 100% and I've had very little desire to go off because whenever it sneaks into my mind I think of how I'll feel the next day and how I NEED to function. Dr. A says a fundamental belief is Optimal Health but many people don't have that as a fundamental belief. I sure don't. If I could function with poor health, I'd eat ice cream every day. I know it doesn't make sense but neither does smoking and people do that all the time. So for me it was finding another fundamental belief that directs my daily action and tying staying on program to that. It's a very effective tool!! Let's hope I get past my 249 summer plateau and hit 199 soon!! My friend says we get to celebrate with a pizza from her new pizza oven!! Such supportive friends I have. :-)

If not this then . . .

Last night I was daydreaming of rocky road ice cream. I could taste it, I could feel it in my mouth. I actually was starting to get out of my chair with the intention of leaving to buy some when I thought, "What are you doing? You're going to go to all the effort to get dressed, drive to the store, walk around the store, purchase the ice cream, sit in an abandoned parking lot and eat ice cream, return home and sit right back down in this chair." How crazy is that? I thought I might as well sit here in this chair and pretend that I just did all that and save myself several hundred calories and feeling HORRIBLE the next day. But then I got in a HORRIBLE mood instead and I thought, so why can't I sit here and pretend I just ate ice cream. I decided it's a lack of endorphins. When my brain needs an endorphin lift I crave sugar and when I don't eat it I feel more depressed. So I did research and found here are some other things to maybe try next time I need my endorphins to kick in - of course the ones to avoid are chocolate and pain - the things to try: sex, exercise, laughing, chili peppers, massage, acupuncture (kids - take this pin and . . .) and meditation. None sound as enjoyable as eating rocky road ice cream but I'll give them a try anyway.

Noooooooooooooooo!

I'm reading a book, When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair, by Geneen Roth and I will admit I'm only at the beginning of the book but she says NEVER DIET. She says you will not go wild and eat without control just because you stop dieting. She says throw out your skinny clothes - they are only yelling derisions at you and you don't need that. Maybe it's just a difference of life experiences but I did just that when I got married - I ate without guilt and ate what I felt and stopped when I felt like stopping. I stopped the "diet" mentality and I gained about 160 lbs. I did lose control and my emotional eating kicked in with full force. Dieting all those years prior was also not dealing with my food issues, but it kept me in check and was a useful tool when my "skinny" clothes no longer fit me. I just don't believe in giving up the dream. Granted, therapy has helped me make the dream more realistic, but I still have a dream for my future and it involves fitting into thinner clothes. Seeing those stupid pair of white washed jeans in my closet for the past 20 years reminded me of what I could do if I put my mind to it and if I found something that would work with my body. I attribute my current level of success to continuing to seek out the right "diet" and keeping in mind the eventually thin fantasy. I didn't start TSFL because I knew the science behind it or that I believed it would work or because the support was awesome and would mean the difference between long term success or failure. I started TSFL because it was, in my uneducated mind, another "diet" that I hadn't tried before. And it has led me to a lifestyle that has changed my life. But if I had listened to Geneen's advice I would not have made that call that has changed my life. I plan on fitting into those "skinny" jeans and maybe even wearing them out of the house (of course, I'll have to get big hair and 80's earrings) so maybe I'll wear them to a costume party - but I will wear them again. Please, don't give up the dream of getting your body back. Please don't give into eating what you want and trusting yourself to stop when you're full. If you have insulin problems or immune issues or emotional issues (I think that should cover just about everyone) you will most likely NOT stop when you're "done". You probably won't know when your "done". And eating "what you feel like eating" very likely will start a cycle of unhealth (binging, compulsive eating, berating yourself, insulin resistance, etc). I wish with my whole heart I could go back and stop myself from giving up when I got sick in my 20's. I wish I could tell myself that it was worth the continued fight to save my body from the ravages of gross, processed, sugar laden food. Never give up, never surrender!! :-)

Never Trust a Skinny Cook

I think it's funny how we hold to the belief that we're normal, even when we know we aren't. I guess it's human nature to try to hold onto the image but I have to keep reminding myself that I have food issues and how I think isn't necessarily "healthy". I was watching that unnaturally skinny Italian cook (words that should not be said side-by-side) and between the thoughts of "how in the world does she cook food like that & stay so skinny" I was thinking how much it bothers me to watch FoodTV and see them put bowls in the sink that still has some left to be scraped out. Then it dawned on me that, no, that's probably not a "normal" compulsion. In fact, that line of reasoning has led me to finish my plate on more than one occasion. Or go back for seconds, even when I'm not wanting more. "For goodness sake, there is more there - we must use every last bit!" And it's true that I HATE to throw away food. I'd rather eat it than throw it away. And I eat at parties as if I will never see chocolate cake again in my life. Funny how my last post was saying eating compulsively felt new, but now that I'm thinking about it, I can think of MANY times where one piece was not nearly enough, frankly, when one dinner wasn't enough. Wow - the blinders we wear!! A couple of years ago I went to a graduation party and a friend made her famous homemade strawberry cake - yummy! And afterwards I felt embarrassed about how many pieces I ate. Then I went to another party "on plan" and the same person brought the same cake - didn't even taste it. But I still had to bring some home to Kurt - of course, can't let it go to waste - someone related to me MUST enjoy it.

There are all these books about conscientious eating and trusting yourself to allow yourself to eat. And then you have Overeaters Anonymous which touts, "We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable." WOW - what to believe - no wonder people can't lose weight. I don't know if I am with either team - but I do know that right now I don't trust that if I ate a piece of that yummy strawberry cake, I would stop at one piece. Does that mean I'm powerless to it? Not ready to admit to that and yet I don't trust myself to taste it. Hmmmm, with people like me in the world, therapists will continue to stay in business! (side note - Kurt & I waited 10 years to have kids and people would ask why we weren't having children. Depending on how offended I was that they were prying, I'd either answer "Because we don't have sex" or "Because I can't afford their therapy.")

Just Walk Away!!

Is it possible that some of us have the same problem that some alcoholics have - you can't even touch it or you lose all control? I know some alcoholics drink as a way to cope, some drink every day, but others can go for a while without drinking, but once they do, they can't stop. That's how I felt yesterday. I know I have a tendency to use food to cope or to soothe, but yesterday we went out to eat and I had planned what I was going to order and I had every intention to stick to plan. I ate 2 teeny pieces of bread and one bite of lasagna - not bad at all - but then I came home and I wanted to keep eating. So I ate a bar and then another and then the food thoughts came flooding in. I managed to keep myself home and not go out to eat what "I felt like eating" - I was able to stay real and remember how eating that would make me feel so I really didn't "feel like eating" that. But I ended up eating spaghetti and after that I craved toast - but managed to not eat it. It felt CRAZY!! So last night I was wondering if eating carbs (and maybe it has to do with not eating enough protein or insulin levels or some bigger picture) but if eating carbs unleashes something in me that makes me want to "binge" eat. I have NEVER been a binger, per se. I've never eaten a package of cookies or a whole container of ice cream. But last night, my body couldn't get enough. I had to talk myself off the ledge all afternoon and evening. I guess this is considered compulsive eating. This feels new to me - I guess I have some research to do. Fun, fun. Oh well, back on plan today and lesson learned - those 2 teeny pieces of bread are pretty powerful so WALK AWAY!!

Auto Client Contact

So for any coaches out there - or for that matter, people that have to contact their clients on a regular basis, we are in beta testing mode on a program my husband wrote for me. I find it daunting to keep track of where my clients are at in their journey and when I'm supposed to contact them again. So the program allows me to input them at the beginning and then it auto sends them emails according to whatever schedule I want. It also lets me know when to contact them again via text. So I have it set up that they get a welcome email on day 1, a homework assignment on day 3, a reminder that their order should be arriving on day 7, a "first 3 days can be tough, drink your bouillon, stick with it" on day 10, etc. Then follow ups every week and special little reminders in between. Every email sent to them gets sent to me as well so I can track what's been sent out.

If anyone is interested, let me know - he is going to tweak it to make it more user friendly and maybe TSFL will add this type of technology to the new biz site, but for now, I think this will be AMAZINGLY useful for us.

Thinking out loud

Haven't thought this out all the way, but thought I'd mull on this: So I had to go with Kurt to his therapy session today to give my perspective and surprise, surprise - we were pretty far off of each other. Not in any horrible ways, but we sure see things differently. So this lead to a long discussion tonight (in which we both concluded it's best for our marriage that I not dwell in the innermost thoughts of his head - it only leads to bad things). But as we were talking it dawned on me how much our relationship has lead me to eat. I wasn't overweight when we were dating and I was living on my own. Actually living on my own is the thinnest I had been in my adult life. But when we got engaged I got sick and so by our marriage I was about 30 lbs. overweight - still not horrible. But our first year of marriage I gained about 100 lbs. This is when the emotional eating began. Not bonding with my family didn't lead me to want to eat, but I think I always knew I'd be able to get out of that relationship - or to the extent that I needed to get out of it. But marriage was different - our differences weren't going to resolve themselves any time soon (20 yrs later, they're still here) and eating became an escape. For one, eating out with Kurt was a way to get his attention. Even to this day, eating out is one of the few times the phones go away and we talk. Also, until I began this plan, Kurt used getting me nighttime snacks as a way to "show me love" which meant he'd run to the donut shop or to Wendy's to bring me home a frosty. Even the other night I was wanting to try those m&m pretzels and he was going to go get them for me (but I changed my mind). He says it shows his love and I say it has enabled my addiction. In the past, I might have changed my mind but I still would take the food because it was the act of love available to me - so I'd take it, even if I didn't want the food anymore. And eating at night is a way of coping with being lonely. I appreciate very much that Kurt is tending to the kids and putting them down but the way he does it, it can takes hours which means I'm alone for hours. Or he's taken them out of the house so I can have quiet, which I totally appreciate, but that doesn't mean I'm not lonely. It would be great to have a sitter take them from 5: - 7: so Kurt & I could have alone time but then he wouldn't see them. It's one of those "lose, lose" situations. I in no way blame Kurt for my being overweight, but marriage has played a big role in my emotional eating. (Imagine how big I would have been if I had married someone I didn't really like!!) When I was single, I'd fill my nights with being around friends but now I long for that same interchange and it's not available. For one, friendships change once everyone gets married and then add kids, it's impossible. Maybe not if I had the energy, but who has the energy? So this week as I got lonely, I've gone for a walk. I walked Sat and Monday around 2.5 miles - put on my headphones and got moving. It's been very effective at getting me out of my head and putting me in a better mood. So I'll try to keep this up and do something beneficial as I get into the evening eating funk instead of wallowing in my calories.

Chip off the old block

The other night we're eating pizza (yes, pizza) and my daughter gives her crust to her brother & goes & gets herself another slice. Aaron asks why she doesn't want it & she says, "I'm cutting down on carbs!" OMG - too funny!!

Must . . . Eat . . . Bagel

Just dropped off the kids for grandparent sleep over and immediately began daydreaming of food. It took all my control to drive home instead of stopping for something yummy. When I was almost home the phone rang & I forgot to leave a car seat!!! So this time driving back I thought, "Okay, whatever, I'm going to go eat a bagel." But then (because I'm reading 50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food) I had it in my mind that I needed to use this moment to try a different approach. If I don't learn this now, I will never keep my weight off and I will never reach my goal. Even the thought of "I need to do something different" made me stop daydreaming of food. (Side note - when I went to buy the book yesterday I told the sales person it should come with a bar of chocolate - you know, until I've read the book & applied it . . .) So here I am, drinking my coffee and eating my bar and writing my cathartic details. Funny how I complain how hard it is to be on plan with kids and now I'm without them and I'm complaining how hard it is without kids. Hmmmmm, I see a pattern.

Stuck

Strange stuck place. I'm doing pretty good on plan but am living life and so I'm not losing like I'd like - like before. For example yesterday, I took a friend to lunch & ate on program but then I tried to eat MR for dinner and by 10: I was starving so I had to eat drive thru. I ate on plan but then I'm more full than normal so I didn't lose weight. Summer has been hard to either stay on plan or eat on schedule. I'm doing MUCH better since I re-evaluated why I'm doing this and I'm being much more zen about the whole process. Instead of just getting to goal, I'm also doing this because I feel better and I want to feel better forever, not just when I get to goal. But I'm also feeling frustrated by the lack of progress. I guess this is what I'm supposed to learn: In the past, when I stopped seeing progress I would quit the program or go off plan - why do it if there wasn't results? But now, I'm doing this as a life course, not just for results so even if there isn't "weight loss" there is better health - so this is the new motivation. I need to think long term, not just instant results. I am a total product of the NOW generation - if it's not working in one week, then screw it! But that's the old way of thinking - the new way is - of course it's working because you have 10 other ways to see results - maybe just not the 1 you were hoping to see this week. Start looking at the other 9 and enjoy.

Read me like a book

I got to laughing last week - I looked at the shelf next to my comfy chair with my stack of books and I thought how one can tell where my head is at by looking at my shelf. A few years ago my list consisted of, "The Weekend Marriage" "Divorce Busting" "Getting the Love You Want" & a few more. Any guesses what was going on in my life? Now, I have "50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food" "Dispatches from a not-so-perfect life (How I learned to love the house, the man, the child)" "Nice Girls Finish Fat" and "God Never Blinks". Any guesses? I'm almost to the end of "Dispatches" and I still haven't gotten to her learning to love the whole package. Maybe it's in the epilogue. At least reading her book has made me feel MUCH more normal. I told Kurt that he should read it so as to appreciate how calm and laid back I am.

Have you met my boyfriend?

I totally romanticize food - I think that's just weird!! But I do. I think it's like those girls we all know that just keeps going back to the same destructive dysfunctional guy and thinks, "this time it will be different!" And we think, "are you nuts??" Well, yes I am - thank you very much! My last binge off program was such a clear vision of my need for intervention. I really think strawberry pie from Marie Callendars is ALL THAT! So I plan for a week when I can go eat it and it's TOTALLY disappointing. But I do it over and over again. I think it's going to be different this time and scratch the itch - but it doesn't. The itch - see, I'm supposed to be paying attention to that and figure out what it is I need - but that's too much work, most of the time. Or it's not accessible right now - but food is. Thankfully, I'm back on the wagon and feeling better. So far I'm liking the new products so that's fun too. I mean, there's no harm in having a fling with a healthy sort of bloke, right?

Homework

Doing well first day back - lots of deep breaths but no headaches or cravings yet. I think I destroyed my body well enough the past month, I'm happy to be back on program. So here's the homework: List 5 goals I envision when I reach my goal weight: 1) I will have significantly less back pain 2) I will be at least in a size 10, if not smaller 3) I hope to be able to sleep in normal beds on vacations 4) I get to surgically correct what having twins did to my body 5) I will run a 5K Now, list 5 whys - why these are important or why continuing on my journey matters to me: 1) I want to enjoy life to the fullest extent possible 2) I want to set a good example for my kids 3) I want to be proud of myself 4) I want Kurt to feel proud of me 5) I want to accomplish what I set out to do

Okay, so now I can go back and re-read these when I need to remind myself why I'm continuing!

Coming back to life

Alright - it's time. I need to refocus and come back from the brink. It's been a stressful transition from the school year to summer but I'm slowly figuring it out and once I get there it will be Sept and the boys will start kindergarten. I'm not good with change - never have been - and this is just another life lesson given to us by our children. When you have kids change is guaranteed every 3 months for at least 18 years. What's the most difficult is dealing with my stress but not making the kids feel like it's at all their fault or that they are responsible for taking care of me. Em is especially sensitive to thinking she needs to take care of me. I've been overloading on TSFL program materials - recorded weekly calls, DVDs, CDs, the HOH books - everything I can get my hands on. And it's been working. I'm really motivated to get going again.

This week's call was about not stopping short of our goal and it really resonated with me. One thing she said was that our motivation changes once we start feeling better. So if we stop and then try to restart we find it so much harder because we already feel better. That's really true for me. I was SOOOOO miserable when I started but after losing 90 lbs, I have so much more energy, I can keep up with the kids, I don't get sick like I used to - so it's hard to feel motivated. I really have had to find a motivation from a good place instead of a motivation from "I hate my life". I've found some pictures and I'm working on my storyboard. I found a great picture of being 36 weeks pregnant with the boys - wow, does that remind me how miserable I was. The equation was something like: 330 lb.starting weight 35 old female + 7.4 lb. baby + 8.3 lb. baby = GET THEM OUT OF ME!!! But then I can see how far I've come and know how possible it really is to reach my goal. I still fight with the thoughts that I won't make it, since I haven't for so long. So it's been good to remind myself with pictures (I'm so visual anyway) of where I was, where I am and where I'm going. I came up with a 20 min presentation and I'm going to start next week trying to get in front of people. "This used to be my specialty. I was good in a living room. Send me in there, I'll do it alone." - Jerry Maguire. That's how I feel - I'm good in front of people, so I thought I'd go back to what I know. Let's get back in the saddle and feel a bit more in control instead of being whipped around by life. Look out world - here I come again . . .

Losing my mind!

I'm losing my mind! My friend has been telling me this program is too hard, which I find interesting because the program is so simple, how could it be hard? But being totally stressed out w/ kids and foot issues and wanting to eat makes me feel the same thing. I just happen to be counseled enough to know it's not the program's fault - it's my looking for comfort that becomes the issue. I thought trying not to eat while having the boys all day was tough - MAN! add Emily to the equation and it seems impossible. Of course, I know it's not impossible, but I haven't figured out the formula yet.