Tired

I once wrote that I didn’t believe people should say getting over food addiction is harder than other addictions. The logic that it’s harder states “we have to eat whereas alcoholics don’t have to be around alcohol” whereas my theory was that although we have to eat we don’t have to eat junk food, drive through food & sugar. But all that’s out the window. Here’s why I now see how it can be more difficult. It’s not about food addiction but emotional eating. Because I still have to eat I’m tending to not get over my emotional eating tendencies. Instead of going & buying donuts I just go out to a restaurant where I can order a salad and take care of my emotional eating in a little bit healthier way. But the problem with that is that every time I use food as comfort I am reinforcing the notion that I can’t deal with uncomfortable feelings on my own without the use of food. And when I’m uncomfortable and healthy food is not available I keep finding myself going for something carb and fat laden. I still beat myself up and still feel out of control. It’s as if an alcoholic is avoiding alcohol as a means to cope but is drinking amaretto flavored coffee syrup. Yeah it’s better and they will lead a more productive life because alcohol isn’t in the picture, but the crazy behavior is still there and the need for a way to cope hasn’t been dealt with.

Today I had a migraine and all I could do this morning was daydream about a bagel. All I wanted was a bagel. Then I thought, “maybe Kurt can bring me home something”. But I’m tired of using food as a way to cope. I’m tired of putting my goals on the back burner because I’m totally stressed right now and need to calm down. I’m tired of thinking 90 lbs down is good enough. I’m tired of being a hypocrite and eating one way in front of clients and another when I’m all alone. I’m tired of finding every excuse in the book to eat this one thing – until the next excuse comes in 12 hrs. But I’m also tired of not being able to eat when I want. I finally just cried because I wasn’t going to allow myself to eat “what I wanted” today. I know when I get to goal I will eat what I want. I will go through a whole new set of problems of learning how to eat what I want but not overdo it. But for now, I want to get to goal. I want to be done with this process and I want to quit wasting time. I’m really going to try to get back 100% for more than 2 days in a row. I want to feel in control again and if that means crying every day because I’m stressed out than whatever – that’s what waterproof mascara is for!