Sunday, September 11, 2011


So I sit in judgement of someone that says she wants change - her life depends on that change - she has spent countless years trying to will the change to occur & yet, no change. Instead she continues the same patterns again & again. I do my best to illicit emotion strong enough to affect different behavior. I get angry with her to try to awaken her own passion. I cut off contact to try to help her feel her own self-inflicted isolation. But nothing helps. She is stuck in a rut of discomfort.

Six months pass & I am still struggling with my own behaviors. And it strikes me how much she & I have in common. How am I not like her? I am beginning to understand how our mind shuts off the will to change. Every day I have moments of urges saying, "This can't continue" "Tomorrow things need to change" "When school starts I will get serious". But then the stressors start and the will wanes and I'm back to my self-destructive behaviors. It's hard to fight the fight. It's more exhausting when we're not really fighting. I once told someone that told me how hard it was to keep "fighting" that she would find it easier to get into the rescue boat if she would put both legs in. When you continue to drag one leg in the water it IS hard.

So the question is: How do we remain committed to the fight day after day? Forget day after day - from morning til night? By night time I've lost it already. Both legs into the boat!! No more excuses. No more rationalizing!! No more small variances!! Both legs into the boat!!