Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Why so glum?

I often wonder why this time around on my journey is so much different the first time. I started the program the end of '09 and my life was absolutely unrecognizable. Our nanny of three and half years had just moved out. Our finances were in the process of controlled collapse. Physically, I was at an absolute low and I was trying to recover. The only thing I had any control over is what I put in my mouth and I truly felt like I had nothing at all to lose. Staying on program actually gave me a sense of control and something to shoot for every day and as I lost weight it became my one & only beacon of hope. This time around feels much different. My family is much more independent. Everyone is self-sufficient most of the day and my sense of loneliness is very acute throughout the day. Through the process of losing weight and changing lifestyles, many of my friends are not to be found as much. Now-a-days food is a constant companion during the day. And going through a day without a lunch or food experience to look forward to makes me feel like there's nothing to look forward to the whole day. I don't know how to change this. I think I need to sit with the feelings & try to imagine how I want my life to look. Right now it feels like a lose, lose. Eat & feel numb but stay heavy or stick to 5&1 & feel depressed. I assume when I begin losing weight consistently my attitude will change - but I'm not there yet. 

Sunday, August 5, 2012

All In?

The concept of “All In” has gotten me depressed. What am I all in about? I’m not all in when it comes to my health, I’m not all in when it comes to my work, I’m not all in when it comes to my spirituality, I’m not all in when it comes to my marriage. I have definitely settled for mediocre in these areas. I am all in when it comes to my kids & when it comes to my relationship with food – these are the two areas that I give my all. And only one of those serves me. So what do I want to change? What am I willing to change? What will it take to change? One reason why TSFL program worked the first time is because of eating “what I felt like eating” I ate a meal-replacement – something that wasn’t horrible but not comfort food. I’ve gotten to the point where I might not eat comfort food (pizza, ice cream, tortillas, nachos) but I’ll still go for “real” food instead of a MR – like nuts or cheese or Greek yogurt. But these don’t do the same thing – they are too high in calories, I usually eat too much which puts me over my carb limit for the day & overall it doesn’t do the job of changing my relationship with food. That’s the key – change my relationship with food. I still want to go to food to feel better. Eating a MR does the job but doesn’t necessarily make me feel better emotionally. So to be all in with my health (emotional & physical) I think I need to 1) Go back to MR during the day 2) exercise 3 times a week 3) drink my water 4) get off pop. These 4 things are the areas that I am doing horrible at lately & that will make a tremendous difference. So from today on I will commit to these 4 things.