Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Why so glum?

I often wonder why this time around on my journey is so much different the first time. I started the program the end of '09 and my life was absolutely unrecognizable. Our nanny of three and half years had just moved out. Our finances were in the process of controlled collapse. Physically, I was at an absolute low and I was trying to recover. The only thing I had any control over is what I put in my mouth and I truly felt like I had nothing at all to lose. Staying on program actually gave me a sense of control and something to shoot for every day and as I lost weight it became my one & only beacon of hope. This time around feels much different. My family is much more independent. Everyone is self-sufficient most of the day and my sense of loneliness is very acute throughout the day. Through the process of losing weight and changing lifestyles, many of my friends are not to be found as much. Now-a-days food is a constant companion during the day. And going through a day without a lunch or food experience to look forward to makes me feel like there's nothing to look forward to the whole day. I don't know how to change this. I think I need to sit with the feelings & try to imagine how I want my life to look. Right now it feels like a lose, lose. Eat & feel numb but stay heavy or stick to 5&1 & feel depressed. I assume when I begin losing weight consistently my attitude will change - but I'm not there yet. 

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