Monday, December 27, 2010

Yet again

Yet again, I am re-committing to the process. I hate to keep posting that I'm back on because I've fallen off about 20 times since April but at least I keep trying to figure out how to stay on for the long haul. I do feel different this time though. I have cleaned out my supplies and only kept what I will actually eat, I am in the process of "quitting" my job or at least taking a year off so I can focus on what's important and I am cleaning out the house & trying to make life more simplified. I'm also being more aware of my romanticizing food. I'm like a "love addict" when it comes to food - I keep going back to the nachos just in case this time I find true love!! Oh well - I'll keep you posted as to how it's going.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Movie night in my world

I had another "episode" a couple of nights ago. I've decided to call them episodes. It's when I tap into the deep deep pain I've been carrying since I can remember. I have at times thought it was depression. In adolescence I was "there" most of the time and it fueled my suicidal fantasies. I remember thinking as a child "when will this feeling go away finally?" But the other day it took me by surprise. I haven't been depressed and I was home alone watching a movie and as I began crying at a sad scene from the movie I started going "there". The sobbing, the pain, the terror. I hadn't been "there" for a long time and I turned the movie off and spent some time feeling what I was feeling. What I was feeling was extreme fear and aloneness. What was coming up was being abused as a very small child by a neighbor. This has come up a few times over the past 20 years but the other night so many things fell into place. All those years having this feeling come up. Being active and busy helped my "feeling down" so I've busied myself since the age of 16. When I have moments of stillness or a lack of focus is when I seem to have these feelings surface. No wonder I can't stop. No wonder I'm so scared of giving up the quest. And no wonder I eat. I feel so sorry for that little girl that lived through that. I feel so sorry that for most of her life she was manifesting that abuse in so many ways and misunderstood by peers and parents and continued to be sent out into the world without protection. I'm so grateful that I haven't given up on her or stopped believing what she could become. I want to still my life to the point that she can surface again in a place of safety and love and not have to eat to keep the feelings from surfacing. I don't need to be afraid of the feelings. They are real and I'm strong enough to handle them now.