Thinking out loud

Haven't thought this out all the way, but thought I'd mull on this: So I had to go with Kurt to his therapy session today to give my perspective and surprise, surprise - we were pretty far off of each other. Not in any horrible ways, but we sure see things differently. So this lead to a long discussion tonight (in which we both concluded it's best for our marriage that I not dwell in the innermost thoughts of his head - it only leads to bad things). But as we were talking it dawned on me how much our relationship has lead me to eat. I wasn't overweight when we were dating and I was living on my own. Actually living on my own is the thinnest I had been in my adult life. But when we got engaged I got sick and so by our marriage I was about 30 lbs. overweight - still not horrible. But our first year of marriage I gained about 100 lbs. This is when the emotional eating began. Not bonding with my family didn't lead me to want to eat, but I think I always knew I'd be able to get out of that relationship - or to the extent that I needed to get out of it. But marriage was different - our differences weren't going to resolve themselves any time soon (20 yrs later, they're still here) and eating became an escape. For one, eating out with Kurt was a way to get his attention. Even to this day, eating out is one of the few times the phones go away and we talk. Also, until I began this plan, Kurt used getting me nighttime snacks as a way to "show me love" which meant he'd run to the donut shop or to Wendy's to bring me home a frosty. Even the other night I was wanting to try those m&m pretzels and he was going to go get them for me (but I changed my mind). He says it shows his love and I say it has enabled my addiction. In the past, I might have changed my mind but I still would take the food because it was the act of love available to me - so I'd take it, even if I didn't want the food anymore. And eating at night is a way of coping with being lonely. I appreciate very much that Kurt is tending to the kids and putting them down but the way he does it, it can takes hours which means I'm alone for hours. Or he's taken them out of the house so I can have quiet, which I totally appreciate, but that doesn't mean I'm not lonely. It would be great to have a sitter take them from 5: - 7: so Kurt & I could have alone time but then he wouldn't see them. It's one of those "lose, lose" situations. I in no way blame Kurt for my being overweight, but marriage has played a big role in my emotional eating. (Imagine how big I would have been if I had married someone I didn't really like!!) When I was single, I'd fill my nights with being around friends but now I long for that same interchange and it's not available. For one, friendships change once everyone gets married and then add kids, it's impossible. Maybe not if I had the energy, but who has the energy? So this week as I got lonely, I've gone for a walk. I walked Sat and Monday around 2.5 miles - put on my headphones and got moving. It's been very effective at getting me out of my head and putting me in a better mood. So I'll try to keep this up and do something beneficial as I get into the evening eating funk instead of wallowing in my calories.