Bored

Bored. I have exchanged one rut for a better but equal ruttiness rut. I was hoping for something different - like I'd love exercise & go for a walk every day or work out at the gym but instead I sit here in my chair & tap away at my computer. I coach people how to stay away from foods as my husband goes to Taco Bell & brings me home junk. I feel groggy & gross from the days' food. I tell myself I'm doing better because I'm staying away from sugar - which is better - it means I'm not sick all the time. But junk food & carb overload still makes me feel lethargic, large & pointless. What is the point? That is the question. What am I going to spend my time on during my days on earth? I barely go do my volunteer work, I'm not taking care of my health, I'm watching people get ill & die & tell myself "will it take cancer for me to finally eat healthfully?" I'm tired of sitting here waiting for something to happen bad enough for me to do something. Why will it take something bad for me to act? Why am I not acting now? Why am I not acting on my own behalf? Please act, please get this done, please finish this race!!!

Judgement

So I sit in judgement of someone that says she wants change - her life depends on that change - she has spent countless years trying to will the change to occur & yet, no change. Instead she continues the same patterns again & again. I do my best to illicit emotion strong enough to affect different behavior. I get angry with her to try to awaken her own passion. I cut off contact to try to help her feel her own self-inflicted isolation. But nothing helps. She is stuck in a rut of discomfort.

Six months pass & I am still struggling with my own behaviors. And it strikes me how much she & I have in common. How am I not like her? I am beginning to understand how our mind shuts off the will to change. Every day I have moments of urges saying, "This can't continue" "Tomorrow things need to change" "When school starts I will get serious". But then the stressors start and the will wanes and I'm back to my self-destructive behaviors. It's hard to fight the fight. It's more exhausting when we're not really fighting. I once told someone that told me how hard it was to keep "fighting" that she would find it easier to get into the rescue boat if she would put both legs in. When you continue to drag one leg in the water it IS hard.

So the question is: How do we remain committed to the fight day after day? Forget day after day - from morning til night? By night time I've lost it already. Both legs into the boat!! No more excuses. No more rationalizing!! No more small variances!! Both legs into the boat!!

Fri 8/5/11

I am on plan today by default - Kurt wouldn't bring me lunch & so I've eaten a shake, a yogurt, a bar & some nuts. Not "on plan" but off carbs & junk. I super want to get thin but I want food. It's really hard to not eat yummy food throughout the day. I am hoping that Sept brings me some more alone time so I'm not so amped up to eat. We'll see. I also think once I'm on plan for a month I want to add a lot more exercise so I can get into more of a routine. I want to quit 24 HR but then again I think I need to wait until Sept.

Keeping up the fight

So lots going on & I've thought many times what I wanted to say - it's hard to not get bored with one's fight. I'm certainly MUCH improved though. I have less inclination to really destroy myself with awful foods. I still binge a bit when I go off plan but I do get back on pretty quickly. I enjoy feeling well and I focus on that when I'm tempted to go off. If I can make myself remember how I'll feel tomorrow or tonight with the heartburn it's much easier to take care of myself. I also think of how good I will feel when I can be done with the loss phase and get to the maintenance. So on goes the fight!

7 Days On

It's been 7 days & I seem to be on this time. I've had about 200 false starts but since I had to quit pioneering (due to the car accidents of children!) I seem to be able to handle being on program and I'm doing really well. I'm feeling better and I'm not having ANY cravings, which is always GREAT! Having the stress of pushing myself over the past few months has made me understand my clients that say "this is SOOOOO hard!". I would hear them & think - this is the easiest program I've ever done! But now I understand - it's not the program that's hard, it's the denying yourself comfort food when you are already pushed to your limit. Something has to give and most of us aren't going to give up our "duty" to others so we give up on taking care of ourselves. But when we're not able to give ourselves what we need (a 1/2 hour of silence, a nap mid-day, a night out alone with a spouse, a weekend with friends) then we turn to food to cope. Food would give me the "strength" needed to continue pushing myself. Obviously, it's all a lose-lose proposition. If we are pushing ourselves that hard, we aren't giving in the right spirit either. I don't know the solution though. Our society and our attitudes is to push and when we see people "taking care of themselves" we often judge and say, "Well why can't they (fill in the blank)? They don't have to work. OR They don't have kids. OR They make enough money to do that." I hate that I felt it was pioneering or lose weight - but the truth is - it was. Not gain weight, but I just couldn't LOSE weight and make those daily sacrifices. So it's good that I went through the experience so I better understand my clients' struggle.

It's not cancer

I feel so irritated. I'm so irritated at all the people I see every day that don't have issues with food. I look at them in restaurants and get angry at their thin bodies. If they're too thin then I assume they have the same issues I have but when they're in the middle ground and eating a bagel - it really ticks me off. I'm sure alcoholics look at people in bars and hate that they can stop at one or two glasses of wine - that's how I feel about thinish people. It's time I accept that I might never have a healthy relationship with food on this side of the system. Food gives me such a high and it's such a temptation to eat. It is SOOOO mood altering. It is comforting. It is calming. Without that life seems so much harder. I feel so much more moody and depressed and I feel the weight of the world so much more acutely. Then it strikes me that I don't need to feel this way if I just went & ate. So then the internal fight begins - "Just go eat and you'll feel better" "No, you can take this, this isn't killing you - it won't kill you to be in a bad mood" "Just have Kurt go get you something - something kind of bad but not too bad" "But that won't fix the problem - without sugar the bad feelings won't go away" "You can survive this without food" "But I don't want to" And on it goes - maybe not EVERY day but at least every third day. And even when I'm in the zone and not eating off plan it's so hard to see others surrounding me eating great food with such enjoyment and I know they aren't enjoying it as much as I would be if I chose to eat it. To them it's just pizza - to me it's a FIX! So then I hate them too - or hate their non-issue with food. I HATE that I can't eat normally. I HATE that I crave food all day. I HATE that I can't stop with enough. I HATE that this will probably be part of my life forever. I think until now I thought this would go away once I lost weight - but this will never go away. I thought I'd go into maintenance like many people and learn to eat in moderation - maybe but unlikely. Do alcoholics learn to drink in moderation? I think it's time to realize that there is no moderation in my mind for now. Smokers can't smoke just on occasion - either it's good for you or it isn't. I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS. And yet - it's not cancer - it's not my childrens' health, this won't kill me - I just will wish I could die at times. Time to suck it up and do what I need to do!!!!

Now's the time

Preparation meeting the moment of opportunity. My preparation is beginning yet again. I had to get some things in order before the opportunity could present itself but now's the time.

Don't Blame Me For Your Crazy!

Interesting revelation last night. A couple of years ago I was really hurt by someone but I reacted extremely strangely (even for me) and I never was able to put a finger on why I reacted to strongly. I felt hurt and anger come up so strongly that I just sobbed and sobbed for hours. I can't remember ever feeling that way. I just chalked it up to a mixture of emotions about what had happened but I really needed my space after that. Well, yesterday a similar thing happened and a similar emotion but not as strongly. But this time I was more aware of why it was coming up. It's still a combination but it's a mixture of "Why is it always about you?", "Why is any of my good knocked out by one mistaken act?", "Don't blame me for your crazy". I tried much of my life to get good attention - but for every 5 acts of good I would get a mild response but for bad I'd get over reaction bad response. I was in fear of the bad response since I can remember. And to this day, normal acts like a phone call can be met with "What? I'm busy!" - as if I could have known that before I called. And so I guess when I'm running across the "take, take, take, anger" or "take, take, take, blame you for my crazy" now-a-days it sets me off. What's interesting is that I don't respond to everyone getting angry with me - and I'm still working out what makes the difference. But it's nice to understand where these emotions come from.

Putting it all together

Began pioneering in Sept after 16 years of waiting to pioneer again. Was raised to BE a pioneer - and immediately started getting attention in Sept. Felt like it was "about me". Let my guard down & started playing make believe again - I think we both wanted to play make believe. But it wasn't about me, it never is about me so it all came crumbling down. I started having boundaries as to what I wouldn't tolerate which gets blamed on "you're scary when you go off your diet". Then the hours went awry and the BEING a pioneer no longer felt right. Pushing myself leads to wanting to eat, either to give myself a fix to get myself through the day or as a reward the next day. Pushing myself makes me less of a mom and less of a wife.

When I had kids I re-evaluated why I went to meetings - it's no longer for me because what I wanted was to be there childless or to take a nap. Why I pioneered was to meet the goal of who I was to become and for comraderie. But now I need to re-evaluate that - it's to make it to pioneer school & round out my service again. Why I let her "in" has been hoping to get support and be "seen" and important. But now I need to accept I won't get that on this side.

I need to envision my life according to my adult agenda and my family's needs and go from there. This has been a good but painful experience but very helpful in moving past a lot of preconceived ideas.

Doing well

Back on now - have a few clients back on too, which helps. I've gained 30 lbs and I'm done feeling bad about myself and how I eat. The other day I was sitting at night and wondering why I lose my resolve half way through the day and it came to me that I disappear throughout the day. I slowly lose myself and accomplishing becomes the important task at hand. I had gone through Taco Bell, even though I was trying to talk myself out of it all the way through, and sat and ate burritos and as I was it dawned on me that I didn't want Taco Bell, I wanted to sit for 15 min before heading home. So I'm committed to not disappearing - I need to stay present and continue to fight for myself and what I need. For example yesterday, my 9 hr day in service, I was fading around 2: and really wanted to eat - so I went to a salad bar and got food I could eat and stayed on track. Then I didn't push myself to be social and talk for about an hour - I just needed to regain strength. And then lying in bed last night I was wanting to "reward" myself by eating today but instead I slept in and took care of myself that way. I really need to stop pushing so hard and take time out in the day to recoup.

Costco Run

I went to Costco on Sunday & bought TONS of groceries - strawberries, yummy crusty bread, granola, apple turnovers, healthy good stuff too and have thoroughly let myself off the hook this week. I'm committed to eat at home for the rest of the month & eat yummy home cooked meals - not grilled cheese every night. I want to use up the food in the pantry and remember how to cook. My eating out has definitely gotten out of control and I don't even enjoy it anymore (more or less). So I'm happy to be eating at home. And now I'm becoming more clear about what I'm doing - I decided that no matter how much I don't want to work right now, one reason for my success is actually being embroiled in the TSFL training and family. And one way to give myself daily reminders is to give my clients reminders. So I'm going to start being a health coach again and start reminding myself of the reasons for not giving up. This time it will be less about the money, even though it wasn't really about the money the first time, but about living in the best way for me and teaching others to do the same. If you found out that gluten free made you feel better then every time you heard someone complain about your same symptoms you would preach the benefit of gluten free - and that's how I feel (not to mention many products are gluten free - so how about that!) But seeing others being plagued with the same health issues I have and knowing that this could help is my catalyst to being an example and giving out cards. I really really really would like to do this with someone though. I feel a little lost at sea doing it by myself. Of course, I'm not by myself, but I'd be more comfortable being with a friend through this - so if any of you want to help others become more healthy, let me know. I'm still giving myself some time to be "off the hook" but it's not crazy "off the hook", it's just not 100% yet.

Lightening the load by lightening the load

So here was the breakthrough for today - I've been striving after "success" since I was aware enough that I wasn't considered "enough" as I was. So maybe it started around age 12 - and since then success has been the goal - started pioneering at 16 while in school and working at night. Then I strove for success at jobs. It was more a proof for myself that I can do it, not outward recognition. But then after getting sick I've been slowly letting myself off the hook from success - I've been trying to have the drive but I always lose it at some point. It's been hard to quit jobs that I was finding success in but I'm trying to be enough as I am. The thing is, when it comes to weight, I am not happy with being okay with how I am at this weight. I really wish I was - but I want myself back. I want weight to not be an issue any longer. I've been dealing with weight since I can remember and I want to be done with dealing with it. I want to let myself off the hook about this too. I was thinking that I wanted to get to goal to prove that I could do it or to find success, but that wasn't really motivating me so I was confused. Today I found out that I'm really losing that drive (which is a good thing) but that getting to goal is really what will be one of the last steps to freeing myself of the "weight" I've been carrying around all my life. Getting to goal will take this final burden off my shoulders. I want to lighten the load that's been on me for so long. Just like pioneering again and seeing that I'm not up to that position has lightened the load that I've been hanging onto forever - that this was "the goal". So I think why I want to get to goal weight is to continue the lightening of the load. I want to let myself off the hook of "performing" which is what losing this weight feels like.

The "Weight" has been lifted

All of a sudden I'm back on track 100% - I mean like I was Aug '09. It feels amazing. And I wonder WHY??? I'm so about the why - I know it doesn't really matter but I think if I can understand the why I can learn from it. And all I can figure is that I messed up my time so badly in February that there is no way I can meet my commitment for the year so I now feel "off the hook". I mean it's volunteering, right? What are they going to do - fire me? But I feel so strongly to "accomplish" that now I don't feel the pressure. I erased all my hourly goals on the calendar and I've decided that giving in the ministry is important but not at the sacrifice of taking care of my health. One can say that and mean it when it means sick or not sick, but when it is so much more subtle of losing weight or getting enough sleep or taking me time so I'm not cranky - that's when it gets sketchy. That's when we tend to think - "no, serving others is more important". And it's also when we can take it too easy on ourselves so we aren't pushing. It's the pushing - pushing is good but it can be so destructive. So I'm now trying gentle pushing. Push today and rest tomorrow. What I know for sure is that I'm now focused on finishing this marathon this year and I'm finding my groove again. It feels good and freeing and liberating. Yeah!!!

March - a new beginning

So I was sick all of Feb & I took the month "off". I got a mani pedi, I didn't worry about making my time (not that I could have), I slept a lot and I didn't stress too much about food. I also started on "happy" pills which have been helping a lot. I gave in to living in the "last days" & times are difficult. I'm tired of being overwhelmed all the time. And I have to say, I'm now a believer!! Why did I fight all those years? Actually, I know why I fought - I was afraid of losing myself altogether - I was afraid of using it to zone out of life. So now that I'm not actually depressed it seems much safer - I'm not trying to "not feel" I'm just trying to cope. I feel like March is a fresh start and I'm having a better attitude towards it all. CO this week and I need the encouragement. Although I'd like another month "off" I'm excited to get back to what matters.

What do I want today?

I'm passed all the thousands of events for February which kept me from staying on program. It's now time to get back on & I stood in the shower debating what I really wanted to do. It's so much harder to find motivation from a "so-so" life then from a "desperate" life. I'm no longer desperate - life is so-so. Our finances are so-so, my pioneering is so-so, my health is so-so, my weight is so-so. Nothing is desperate or overly depressing but nothing is stellar either. So what do I want? Can I be satisfied and happy with so-so? I have SOOOOO many friends and family that choose so-so over the work it takes for success. And I stood there wondering if I could do that. I sure would like to - just accept where I am and give up the "dream". But I'm just not that type of person. I KNOW that I can have success at losing weight and with that will come success at getting healthy once again and with that pioneering will become easier again and with all that will come money since people are attracted to success and happiness. I hate that staying on program is the key to contentment, but so far with what I've experienced - it is. When I eat in a way to stay healthy, everything else improves. It's not "Medifast" - it's taking care of my health. So back on I go. I will find motivation from the goal line and not from the desperateness. I can and will do this.

Day 2

Not sure what's changed but I came home Wed evening & finally felt hopeful. I felt that life was going to become manageable once again. And now I've been on program for two days & I'm not feeling deprived or tempted. I'm fine. It's strange but good. I'm trying to not make plans or goals - live this day by day & decide every day to stay on plan & take the progress as it comes. I'm hopeful this time it will last & I can believe in myself again.

So how do I feel at the end of today, having overate & stuffed my poor body? I feel a failure. I feel defeated. How would I like to feel at the end of the day? I would like to feel like the victor over food. I'd like to feel the caretaker of my body. I would like to feel encouraged & lightened by the day. Those will be the goals for tomorrow.

So WAY too hungry. Also have too many things in fridge to eat. Ate leftovers. Need to clean out fridge tomorrow & have veggies cut & ready.

Made it through morning ok. Had a small craving for comfort but mainly wanted to be entertained. Very bored while in recovery. Very much have cabin fever. Am starting to daydream about comfort food being brought to me for lunch. Am doing ok so far - nothing too overwhelming. I have a nice dinner being brought tonight - that helps a lot. Onward with the day.

I'm going to use this as my motivator & sounding board for the next few days. So going to sleep & planning on being on program tomorrow but knowing Kurt would make me banana pancakes if I asked. Also know dinner is being brought tomorrow & it won't be in program so the rationale is "I'm not going to be 100% anyway - what's 1 more day off?". I am going to be on during the day, I am going to eat what makes me feel GOOD, not what I trick myself into thinking is good. I'm going to take care of myself tomorrow.

New Goal

So I just had to have knee surgery & was told that I have significant arthritis & I'd better lose weight or I'll have serious problems in the near future. Not really motivation because I have felt badly already for the past 20 years. But here is my goal. I want to get back to 239 by the end of Feb so 1) I will believe in myself & know once again that I can attain my goals 2) I will feel even more confident & 3) I will be an example for those struggling w/ their addictions. Now with this surgery I have no excuses not to exercise. Pink spandex, here I come!

Why?

Why can't I commit? Why is food so unavoidable now? Why can't I remember my "whys" for more than 1/2 a day? Why, in the moment, us that menu item worth more than health & self-esteem? I am perplexed. I can't figure this out. I'm feeling desperate again. I'm feeling as if I'm losing the war.

I will do this!

Did so-so this week. Ate out A LOT (but no carb) but am trying to stay focused on the goal. Went off Friday and Sat and then had to really think long and hard whether I wanted to get back on today but thankfully, decided to. I really don't want to give up using food as a coping mechanism. Life seems pretty overwhelming at times right now and to not use food seems beyond me - but I'm going to keep up the focus and try to cope without food. I hope to reach some great goals by summer and I'm excited about that. Wish me well!!