Lightening the load by lightening the load

So here was the breakthrough for today - I've been striving after "success" since I was aware enough that I wasn't considered "enough" as I was. So maybe it started around age 12 - and since then success has been the goal - started pioneering at 16 while in school and working at night. Then I strove for success at jobs. It was more a proof for myself that I can do it, not outward recognition. But then after getting sick I've been slowly letting myself off the hook from success - I've been trying to have the drive but I always lose it at some point. It's been hard to quit jobs that I was finding success in but I'm trying to be enough as I am. The thing is, when it comes to weight, I am not happy with being okay with how I am at this weight. I really wish I was - but I want myself back. I want weight to not be an issue any longer. I've been dealing with weight since I can remember and I want to be done with dealing with it. I want to let myself off the hook about this too. I was thinking that I wanted to get to goal to prove that I could do it or to find success, but that wasn't really motivating me so I was confused. Today I found out that I'm really losing that drive (which is a good thing) but that getting to goal is really what will be one of the last steps to freeing myself of the "weight" I've been carrying around all my life. Getting to goal will take this final burden off my shoulders. I want to lighten the load that's been on me for so long. Just like pioneering again and seeing that I'm not up to that position has lightened the load that I've been hanging onto forever - that this was "the goal". So I think why I want to get to goal weight is to continue the lightening of the load. I want to let myself off the hook of "performing" which is what losing this weight feels like.