Thursday, April 7, 2011

Putting it all together

Began pioneering in Sept after 16 years of waiting to pioneer again. Was raised to BE a pioneer - and immediately started getting attention in Sept. Felt like it was "about me". Let my guard down & started playing make believe again - I think we both wanted to play make believe. But it wasn't about me, it never is about me so it all came crumbling down. I started having boundaries as to what I wouldn't tolerate which gets blamed on "you're scary when you go off your diet". Then the hours went awry and the BEING a pioneer no longer felt right. Pushing myself leads to wanting to eat, either to give myself a fix to get myself through the day or as a reward the next day. Pushing myself makes me less of a mom and less of a wife.

When I had kids I re-evaluated why I went to meetings - it's no longer for me because what I wanted was to be there childless or to take a nap. Why I pioneered was to meet the goal of who I was to become and for comraderie. But now I need to re-evaluate that - it's to make it to pioneer school & round out my service again. Why I let her "in" has been hoping to get support and be "seen" and important. But now I need to accept I won't get that on this side.

I need to envision my life according to my adult agenda and my family's needs and go from there. This has been a good but painful experience but very helpful in moving past a lot of preconceived ideas.

2 comments:

  1. I ran across this most encouraging quote from Maxwell Friend (Gilead instructor) "I cannot do great things, but I can do small things devotedly." We need to do the best we can, and remember (like you said) some things only the new system will fix...but they WILL be fixed! Whew!

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  2. What a wonderful quote!

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