Putting it all together

Began pioneering in Sept after 16 years of waiting to pioneer again. Was raised to BE a pioneer - and immediately started getting attention in Sept. Felt like it was "about me". Let my guard down & started playing make believe again - I think we both wanted to play make believe. But it wasn't about me, it never is about me so it all came crumbling down. I started having boundaries as to what I wouldn't tolerate which gets blamed on "you're scary when you go off your diet". Then the hours went awry and the BEING a pioneer no longer felt right. Pushing myself leads to wanting to eat, either to give myself a fix to get myself through the day or as a reward the next day. Pushing myself makes me less of a mom and less of a wife.

When I had kids I re-evaluated why I went to meetings - it's no longer for me because what I wanted was to be there childless or to take a nap. Why I pioneered was to meet the goal of who I was to become and for comraderie. But now I need to re-evaluate that - it's to make it to pioneer school & round out my service again. Why I let her "in" has been hoping to get support and be "seen" and important. But now I need to accept I won't get that on this side.

I need to envision my life according to my adult agenda and my family's needs and go from there. This has been a good but painful experience but very helpful in moving past a lot of preconceived ideas.