I always felt like a chachka (bet you didn't know it was spelled that way!!) in the life of my parents. I was the obligatory girl. I wasn't meant to be
I then thought, as I was crying, how extravagant of me to be crying and wallowing in my sadness when people actually had horrible childhoods and real pain in their life. But then I thought, "Well then, they can cry too - I'm not stopping them. It doesn't mean I don't feel sadness as well." So there! The truth is, I'm sure the majority of people felt out of place and unsupported by their parents - I'm just sure it affects some of us more deeply than others.
I then worked at trying to remember enjoyable moments with my mom. She began taking me on trips - just her and me or me and a friend once I turned, maybe 11? I don't remember when those started - and those were good memories. But before that, the only memories that I could come up with were about food - we would go to her favorite Japanese restaurant about twice a year and I could eat with chop sticks by the age of 5. We would get slurpies at 7-11 when I behaved. We would go get ice cream on special occasions. And I remember one date night with my dad where we went to Farrell's. All food memories. I have 2 pictures that I took as a kid with my cheap little camera - one is my mom yelling at me to get into the car - she looked stressed and irritated and the other is my dad with a look of "gosh, you got me" and a little smile. These pictures thoroughly sum up my experiences with my parents. Always irritating my mom and getting in her way and my dad being laid back and casual. Of course my dad was
DISCLAIMER - I give my parents TONS of credit for being such good parents. With the shaky start and lack of family kindness they came from, it's a wonder they did as well as they did. My brother and I have strong, lasting marriages and are very spiritual people - because of my parents. What I've learned is that sadness and hole in my soul that I experience has less to do with good parenting and more to do with my individual needs as a human. It's not their "fault" it's more just what I happen to need. And now it's my job to find a way to fill that void and not use food to do that.
Parents of a certain generation just didn't have the gift of making a child feel special. I know,.. my parents never said anything that good about me growing up.. other parents would go on and on about there children, not mine.... Even now,.. I've just moved into a new congregation, and a few people have come up to my folks and said how much they like me.. and my parents act surprised!!!.. food fills holes.. big gaping ones...
ReplyDeleteI think we came from those that survived out of extreme hardship, WW2 and the Great Depression etc...they survived but not without scars from their journey, and we inherit that legacy...and with it, a ton of guilt. I don't think it is intentional and I don't think they even realize how they have been effected and what they are doing etc....if ever. But we do. ;-)
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone in these feelings you describe.....Sadly, due to imperfection woman have had a tough journey in this system.... It will be nice to know the specialness that Jah intended all his little girls to feel growing up. Especially the smart ones! He's not intimidated by them! ;-) I'm sure it's not too late, we will get to find out and be whole....no matter what happens in this system, it won't be called up into our hearts....and he will satisfy the desire of every living thing....Words to live by. We just need to get there....
In the meantime, let go of the guilt, it's ok to feel. It's ok to remember, it's ok to know you were disappointed, it's ok to compare, it's ok to regret, it's ok to know you wanted more, it's ok to be angry, it's ok to be afraid, it's ok to be happy. It's ok to see their frailties, their weakness, their faults, and our own. It's ok to feel. Happy or sad. It's ok to acknowledge yourself. It's ok to seek to understand why. That's how we grow. Just remember that those past moments, and the feelings don't have to capture you for life. They have no power beyond what we give them...see it for what it was, a moment you existed in....and remember that while you are made up of the essence of millions of moments and will continue to be...you have the power to choose the ones that will stay in your mind and heart and make you who you are are...you have the power to change the feelings you had about those moments too...It's a long journey we all have....
Also, just sayin, make sure ya have a good medical checkup each year that addresses thyroid and all endocrine hormones....these also play a huge part in how often and how deep we feel...and it always helps to have your body in balance....You have made tremendous changes to your physical body and to your chemistry...Alot of what you are going thru is the balancing as you continue to change the physical composition of everything you are. As fat dissipates....stuff is released into your system.....also, estrogen is released, and that plays our emotions like a fiddle. Estrogen when too high lowers thyroid hormone, which can induce low thyroid symptoms....which include sadness, gloom, and also less fat means less estrogen is bio-available, which also may contribute to the same symptoms, as the doctors will tell you, symptoms of high, and symptoms of low estrogen are the same....
So continue to take that into consideration, so much is going on...
You are doing amazing things! and You will reach your goals! I know you will do it! You are very special and very intelligent, and you always have been. I've known you a looong time and I always knew that. You always have been way smarter then average! scary smart and Pretty too! ;-) Others see it in you Wendy...they just figure you already know it...how wouldn't you know it when it is soooo very obvious to us all!?!!!!??? ;-)
Sometimes it's emotionally hard to be intelligent when one understands and realize things...think how Jah feels...he feels everything on so many levels...the smarter you are the more you are capable and able to empathize with him...what a blessing you have to be able to know Jah better...and remember he knows you too!...;-)