Perfectionism

Perfectionism - it's been on my mind a lot lately (as you see from the length of this post). I never was a perfectionist - I tried to be a type A person in a type B body, but I always relied on phrases like, "It's good enough" and "C is still passing" - things a perfectionist would never think. But my friend/client is needing help and is a true perfectionist. Of course she won't say she's a perfectionist - because being one isn't perfect. The argument is, "What's wrong with trying to do things correctly? We are to be Christlike and he was perfect so what's wrong with that?" I find it interesting how perfectionism is such an intrinsic "Christian" quality. But in my opinion, not at all Christlike. Here's why - Jesus might have been perfect, but he didn't expect his disciples to be. He even used their imperfection to make them better people - I think of Peter. He knew of his imperfection of fear of man and used that in the end to teach him a lesson of boldness - remember "by the time the cock crows 3 times you will disown me". Peter was so convinced of his loyalty he totally didn't believe him and yet when Peter was so afraid and disowned Jesus he wept bitterly - this was a prime example of Jesus knowing he was imperfect, he would mess up but would be a better man because of it.

Where we go wrong isn't trying to be a better person, but thinking that perfection or correctness is the expectation. Imperfection should be the expectation and the goal might be using it to become a more well rounded human. I expect my kids to mess up - I just want them to learn from those experiences. I expect to not get my whole list done in a day - that's what tomorrow is for. (See! Totally not a perfectionist!)

There seems to be a lot of "should" thinking that goes along with perfectionism. He should, I should - should "expresses a duty, a necessity" so what's lacking from should is desire. WOW!! That's it!! Okay, so my other thought about my friend is having her think about her day - write out everything she does on a typical day "wake up @ 6:30, eat a bar, make my husband lunch, go to work, handle employees, etc" and mark by each one how many are Desires and how many are Duty/Obligations. One thought I had was that perfectionists blur the lines between Desire and Duty/Obligations because they desire to be perfect so they think they are "wanting" to do it all. But that's where it falls apart. So the question to help define the action is, "If you didn't HAVE to do that, would you still do it?" In this case, if you didn't have to get up @ 6:30, would you? If yes, then it's a Desire. If no, then it's a Duty. If you didn't have to go into work that day, would you? I think we'll see that almost all of the day of a perfectionist is Duty. The desire part comes in at the end of the day when they can think back and feel good about having a perfect day. But the problem when it comes to food is - the only Desire they allow themselves all day is FOOD!! There still is the child in each one of us that requires fun and desire and when we only allow our child fun when it comes to food, then we won't be able to control our eating.

Hmmmm, so now what? Well for a non-perfectionist I'd say, "so find a desire and find a way to incorporate it into your day". The problem with a perfectionist is that there won't be any time in their day to add something as mundane as a desire. I can't get an appt on my friend's schedule to have coffee because it's full of Duties. I almost always have to go with her on her duty laden day to spend time with her. So there's where choice comes in, I guess. If the only desire you are finding time for is food, then you will continue to be fat. Otherwise, you might have to become more Christlike and understand that Desire/Enjoyment is also part of a Christlike personality - for goodness sake, his first miracle was turning water into wine - I don't think he could have been more Perfect!!