Post Move . . .

I have been using our move as an excuse - well, I've been using everything as an excuse, homeschool, illness, parties, moving, etc. - for not being on plan. And I have thus gained about 15 lbs (maybe more). And I'm HORRIBLY uncomfortable, angry & frustrated with myself. Of course, I know none of those emotions are necessary or helpful so on we go. No need to beat myself up for anything - just make the correction & make it right. So I'm in the house, I have no excuses or reasons to not be on plan. I know there are so many emotions that come up when I start back on plan but I am capable of handling the emotions without food & I'm capable of dealing with the discomfort I experience those first few days. I AM CAPABLE. I AM ENOUGH. I AM GETTING THE JOB DONE!

Old War Wounds

We so often go about figuring things out backwards - like, "Why do I self-sabotage?" or "Why do I binge at night?" Instead of doing it over & over & asking "WHY?" just don't do it & you'll get pretty clear, pretty quick what you've been trying to avoid! It seems so much easier to lie awake at night with an uncomfortably full stomach or with acid reflux & be focused on the 'beating myself up' dance than to lie awake with the pain from the past.

I've been staying on program for a couple of weeks now & I've been dealing with a lot of stuff that I've been able to stuff for a long time. It's amazing how those pains of long ago, those deep deep pains rise to the surface when there's no lasagna pushing them down. And what I find fascinating is that the old wounds aren't current anymore - I have really done a great job re-fashioning my life to not resemble my former life anymore. And, yet, when I remove my drug of choice (food) they rise to the surface again! That seems so unfair! 

When I asked my last counselor about this a few years ago - how to get rid of it - she said, "It won't go away. It's your job as an adult to nurture this pain & carefully guard it because you're going to carry it around with you all your adult life. But as you care for it it will sting less." Or something to that affect - it's hard to pay attention between sobs. 

So I wake up feeling a bit raw & not wanting to carry around old wounds - and yet not being given the choice to rid myself of them in this system. But . . . if there's a bright side - which there always is - I don't want to eat. I have NO cravings today. That is DEFINITELY a victory! So I'll take it!

Day 4 of 30

Well, things kind of fell apart today. I really didn't do well & kind of just gave up - not ice cream gave up, but chips gave up. So let's analyze. Emotional Intelligence is not about trying & failing & then trying again just to fail again. Raising your EQ requires failing & then evaluating & then goal setting & THEN working the plan again. Evaluating is a primary ingredient to raising one's EQ. So where did I fail to plan today? 1) I didn't sleep well - first problem - I was up until 2 am. So I need to take my Calms around 10 pm EVERY night. It does not harm so there is NO reason not to. 2) I didn't plan out my meals today so when my husband's computer broke first thing in the morning it meant I needed to get ready quickly, go shopping for hours, navigate Costco (which I was good through Costco - no samples, no food!) But then I was too hungry which meant I came home & made not great choices & then when I left the house with Emily I made worse choices. No plan for dinner, which meant eating out, which meant eating cheap - nothing good can come from eating cheap! So tomorrow - Friday. I will go to sleep early tonight. And when I go to our family lunch tomorrow I'll eat an omelette & coffee. I will eat MR throughout the rest of the day, have them with me & drink TONS of water first thing. That is my plan for tomorrow! I can do this!! 

Day 3 of 30

Today wasn't meant to be a good one. I'll spare you the details but it just wasn't going to go well from the start. So what to do on days like this? My more recent inclination is to order Jimmy Johns & drown my sorrow in carbs. My old, old inclination was to call a friend & really eat rotten. But today I just cried. I had to be happy with crying. it's just not as satisfying or fun but it's what I have left. A good cry & a hot shower!

Day 2 of 30

So today was easier than it should have been, sticking to program-wise, because my less-than-a-year-old crown broke in two last night. So I spent 2 1/2 hours this morning with multiple hands in my mouth & no desire to chew for the rest of my life. So no solids for me today - trying to eat every 3 hrs was challenging enough. Having said that I am expecting a HUGE "I DESERVE TO TREAT MYSELF" urge tomorrow. This coupled with the text, "Let's meet for dinner tomorrow" sent up red flags to my "keep it together" self. So let's plan ahead while I'm still too uncomfortable to eat. I am going to eat dinner early & I am probably going to let Kurt have the car so I can't leave during the day. I think all those tactics will keep me on plan tomorrow - just remove the alcohol & sharp objects & I'll be fine! So day 2 almost done - just need to drink a LOT more water & I'm just not going to worry about exercising. My jaw did the workout for my body today - we're calling that good!

DAY 1 of 30

Alrighty! Here I am again after a couple of years! I've spent a few years taking on too much, distracting myself from my journey & using a TON of excuses. But home schooling has made me slow down & having the goal of coaching/speaking being my ONLY job has made me reassess where I'm at & I've made some major changes.

So Emily & I have begun a 30 day challenge - stay true on program for 30 days, exercise at any level every day & drink all our water every day! I'm going to need this blog because the food thoughts sure do creep in! The wanting to use going out to lunch as a get-away from school or a treat is huge. But I want this more. I want to stay true & determined & help us both move toward our goals!

One more thought - I have such amazing clients - clients that have such bigger life challenges than me - they have so many more "excuses" than me. And to see them succeed and fight and stay true has really motivated me. I'm so proud of them! And I'm so honored to be in their lives and be part of their support team! Love you guys!!

Why so glum?

I often wonder why this time around on my journey is so much different the first time. I started the program the end of '09 and my life was absolutely unrecognizable. Our nanny of three and half years had just moved out. Our finances were in the process of controlled collapse. Physically, I was at an absolute low and I was trying to recover. The only thing I had any control over is what I put in my mouth and I truly felt like I had nothing at all to lose. Staying on program actually gave me a sense of control and something to shoot for every day and as I lost weight it became my one & only beacon of hope. This time around feels much different. My family is much more independent. Everyone is self-sufficient most of the day and my sense of loneliness is very acute throughout the day. Through the process of losing weight and changing lifestyles, many of my friends are not to be found as much. Now-a-days food is a constant companion during the day. And going through a day without a lunch or food experience to look forward to makes me feel like there's nothing to look forward to the whole day. I don't know how to change this. I think I need to sit with the feelings & try to imagine how I want my life to look. Right now it feels like a lose, lose. Eat & feel numb but stay heavy or stick to 5&1 & feel depressed. I assume when I begin losing weight consistently my attitude will change - but I'm not there yet. 

All In?

The concept of “All In” has gotten me depressed. What am I all in about? I’m not all in when it comes to my health, I’m not all in when it comes to my work, I’m not all in when it comes to my spirituality, I’m not all in when it comes to my marriage. I have definitely settled for mediocre in these areas. I am all in when it comes to my kids & when it comes to my relationship with food – these are the two areas that I give my all. And only one of those serves me. So what do I want to change? What am I willing to change? What will it take to change? One reason why TSFL program worked the first time is because of eating “what I felt like eating” I ate a meal-replacement – something that wasn’t horrible but not comfort food. I’ve gotten to the point where I might not eat comfort food (pizza, ice cream, tortillas, nachos) but I’ll still go for “real” food instead of a MR – like nuts or cheese or Greek yogurt. But these don’t do the same thing – they are too high in calories, I usually eat too much which puts me over my carb limit for the day & overall it doesn’t do the job of changing my relationship with food. That’s the key – change my relationship with food. I still want to go to food to feel better. Eating a MR does the job but doesn’t necessarily make me feel better emotionally. So to be all in with my health (emotional & physical) I think I need to 1) Go back to MR during the day 2) exercise 3 times a week 3) drink my water 4) get off pop. These 4 things are the areas that I am doing horrible at lately & that will make a tremendous difference. So from today on I will commit to these 4 things.

To bite or not to bite . . .

So as I sat at lunch staring at the strawberry shortcake I thought of how much I still romanticize food. I had planned on not having a bite but when I saw it I felt I had to at least try it. And then when I tried it it was too sweet which then made it easier not to eat any more of it. But then I go back and think "see you shouldn't of even had a bite". But then I think "if you didn't have a bite you wouldn't know that you didn't like it and then it would've just felt like you had missed out". So the question is - is it better to have a bite and choose not to eat anymore or is it better to not eat a bite and deal with the feelings of deprivation?

Back to Blogging

Just dropped off the kids with grandma and having an immense Hallmark food moment craving. It feels like such a waste not to go use this time to have a beautiful breakfast with hot coffee in peace. It's not that I'm hungry it just feels like a waste of an opportunity. I call it a Hallmark food moment. Here's the other story I tell myself - I'll work better if I sit down with coffee and a snack and I get myself all laid out at a restaurant or in a café and it'll be so much easier to work. I wait for food to give me the endorphin rush to become motivated to work.

BL Contest

So I've been in a torturous rut for a year. I have been on/off program about 100 times & I keep thinking I'll figure this out. I don't blog because I'm sick of hearing myself say the same things. But tonight I re-read the beginning of my blog & I'm so impressed with how ON PROGRAM I was. I had such dedication to my health & my journey & I wasn't going to blow it.

I began a Biggest Loser contest locally and I have had 103 people sign up so far - and this is just with about a month of publicity. WOW! So in two days I have to go stand up in front of a bunch of people & talk a little about my journey. I know that in the three months this runs I should be the biggest loser - will I be? I'm feeling a lot of responsibility to do this - to perform - to be an example of this wonderful program.

There have been two entries in this blog that I won't post but that outline the struggle I have with my eating needs vs. my family's wants & I'm going to have to work this out - even tonight I gave in. I am going to have to be firm & grumpy & do what I have to do to take care of myself. At least I don't have family members bringing home donuts - that would be awful but this isn't easy either. Anyway, I'm back online & I will be posting a lot during the next three months - I need to clear my head & remember what's important!!

Bored

Bored. I have exchanged one rut for a better but equal ruttiness rut. I was hoping for something different - like I'd love exercise & go for a walk every day or work out at the gym but instead I sit here in my chair & tap away at my computer. I coach people how to stay away from foods as my husband goes to Taco Bell & brings me home junk. I feel groggy & gross from the days' food. I tell myself I'm doing better because I'm staying away from sugar - which is better - it means I'm not sick all the time. But junk food & carb overload still makes me feel lethargic, large & pointless. What is the point? That is the question. What am I going to spend my time on during my days on earth? I barely go do my volunteer work, I'm not taking care of my health, I'm watching people get ill & die & tell myself "will it take cancer for me to finally eat healthfully?" I'm tired of sitting here waiting for something to happen bad enough for me to do something. Why will it take something bad for me to act? Why am I not acting now? Why am I not acting on my own behalf? Please act, please get this done, please finish this race!!!

Judgement

So I sit in judgement of someone that says she wants change - her life depends on that change - she has spent countless years trying to will the change to occur & yet, no change. Instead she continues the same patterns again & again. I do my best to illicit emotion strong enough to affect different behavior. I get angry with her to try to awaken her own passion. I cut off contact to try to help her feel her own self-inflicted isolation. But nothing helps. She is stuck in a rut of discomfort.

Six months pass & I am still struggling with my own behaviors. And it strikes me how much she & I have in common. How am I not like her? I am beginning to understand how our mind shuts off the will to change. Every day I have moments of urges saying, "This can't continue" "Tomorrow things need to change" "When school starts I will get serious". But then the stressors start and the will wanes and I'm back to my self-destructive behaviors. It's hard to fight the fight. It's more exhausting when we're not really fighting. I once told someone that told me how hard it was to keep "fighting" that she would find it easier to get into the rescue boat if she would put both legs in. When you continue to drag one leg in the water it IS hard.

So the question is: How do we remain committed to the fight day after day? Forget day after day - from morning til night? By night time I've lost it already. Both legs into the boat!! No more excuses. No more rationalizing!! No more small variances!! Both legs into the boat!!

Fri 8/5/11

I am on plan today by default - Kurt wouldn't bring me lunch & so I've eaten a shake, a yogurt, a bar & some nuts. Not "on plan" but off carbs & junk. I super want to get thin but I want food. It's really hard to not eat yummy food throughout the day. I am hoping that Sept brings me some more alone time so I'm not so amped up to eat. We'll see. I also think once I'm on plan for a month I want to add a lot more exercise so I can get into more of a routine. I want to quit 24 HR but then again I think I need to wait until Sept.

Keeping up the fight

So lots going on & I've thought many times what I wanted to say - it's hard to not get bored with one's fight. I'm certainly MUCH improved though. I have less inclination to really destroy myself with awful foods. I still binge a bit when I go off plan but I do get back on pretty quickly. I enjoy feeling well and I focus on that when I'm tempted to go off. If I can make myself remember how I'll feel tomorrow or tonight with the heartburn it's much easier to take care of myself. I also think of how good I will feel when I can be done with the loss phase and get to the maintenance. So on goes the fight!

7 Days On

It's been 7 days & I seem to be on this time. I've had about 200 false starts but since I had to quit pioneering (due to the car accidents of children!) I seem to be able to handle being on program and I'm doing really well. I'm feeling better and I'm not having ANY cravings, which is always GREAT! Having the stress of pushing myself over the past few months has made me understand my clients that say "this is SOOOOO hard!". I would hear them & think - this is the easiest program I've ever done! But now I understand - it's not the program that's hard, it's the denying yourself comfort food when you are already pushed to your limit. Something has to give and most of us aren't going to give up our "duty" to others so we give up on taking care of ourselves. But when we're not able to give ourselves what we need (a 1/2 hour of silence, a nap mid-day, a night out alone with a spouse, a weekend with friends) then we turn to food to cope. Food would give me the "strength" needed to continue pushing myself. Obviously, it's all a lose-lose proposition. If we are pushing ourselves that hard, we aren't giving in the right spirit either. I don't know the solution though. Our society and our attitudes is to push and when we see people "taking care of themselves" we often judge and say, "Well why can't they (fill in the blank)? They don't have to work. OR They don't have kids. OR They make enough money to do that." I hate that I felt it was pioneering or lose weight - but the truth is - it was. Not gain weight, but I just couldn't LOSE weight and make those daily sacrifices. So it's good that I went through the experience so I better understand my clients' struggle.

It's not cancer

I feel so irritated. I'm so irritated at all the people I see every day that don't have issues with food. I look at them in restaurants and get angry at their thin bodies. If they're too thin then I assume they have the same issues I have but when they're in the middle ground and eating a bagel - it really ticks me off. I'm sure alcoholics look at people in bars and hate that they can stop at one or two glasses of wine - that's how I feel about thinish people. It's time I accept that I might never have a healthy relationship with food on this side of the system. Food gives me such a high and it's such a temptation to eat. It is SOOOO mood altering. It is comforting. It is calming. Without that life seems so much harder. I feel so much more moody and depressed and I feel the weight of the world so much more acutely. Then it strikes me that I don't need to feel this way if I just went & ate. So then the internal fight begins - "Just go eat and you'll feel better" "No, you can take this, this isn't killing you - it won't kill you to be in a bad mood" "Just have Kurt go get you something - something kind of bad but not too bad" "But that won't fix the problem - without sugar the bad feelings won't go away" "You can survive this without food" "But I don't want to" And on it goes - maybe not EVERY day but at least every third day. And even when I'm in the zone and not eating off plan it's so hard to see others surrounding me eating great food with such enjoyment and I know they aren't enjoying it as much as I would be if I chose to eat it. To them it's just pizza - to me it's a FIX! So then I hate them too - or hate their non-issue with food. I HATE that I can't eat normally. I HATE that I crave food all day. I HATE that I can't stop with enough. I HATE that this will probably be part of my life forever. I think until now I thought this would go away once I lost weight - but this will never go away. I thought I'd go into maintenance like many people and learn to eat in moderation - maybe but unlikely. Do alcoholics learn to drink in moderation? I think it's time to realize that there is no moderation in my mind for now. Smokers can't smoke just on occasion - either it's good for you or it isn't. I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS. And yet - it's not cancer - it's not my childrens' health, this won't kill me - I just will wish I could die at times. Time to suck it up and do what I need to do!!!!

Now's the time

Preparation meeting the moment of opportunity. My preparation is beginning yet again. I had to get some things in order before the opportunity could present itself but now's the time.

Don't Blame Me For Your Crazy!

Interesting revelation last night. A couple of years ago I was really hurt by someone but I reacted extremely strangely (even for me) and I never was able to put a finger on why I reacted to strongly. I felt hurt and anger come up so strongly that I just sobbed and sobbed for hours. I can't remember ever feeling that way. I just chalked it up to a mixture of emotions about what had happened but I really needed my space after that. Well, yesterday a similar thing happened and a similar emotion but not as strongly. But this time I was more aware of why it was coming up. It's still a combination but it's a mixture of "Why is it always about you?", "Why is any of my good knocked out by one mistaken act?", "Don't blame me for your crazy". I tried much of my life to get good attention - but for every 5 acts of good I would get a mild response but for bad I'd get over reaction bad response. I was in fear of the bad response since I can remember. And to this day, normal acts like a phone call can be met with "What? I'm busy!" - as if I could have known that before I called. And so I guess when I'm running across the "take, take, take, anger" or "take, take, take, blame you for my crazy" now-a-days it sets me off. What's interesting is that I don't respond to everyone getting angry with me - and I'm still working out what makes the difference. But it's nice to understand where these emotions come from.

Putting it all together

Began pioneering in Sept after 16 years of waiting to pioneer again. Was raised to BE a pioneer - and immediately started getting attention in Sept. Felt like it was "about me". Let my guard down & started playing make believe again - I think we both wanted to play make believe. But it wasn't about me, it never is about me so it all came crumbling down. I started having boundaries as to what I wouldn't tolerate which gets blamed on "you're scary when you go off your diet". Then the hours went awry and the BEING a pioneer no longer felt right. Pushing myself leads to wanting to eat, either to give myself a fix to get myself through the day or as a reward the next day. Pushing myself makes me less of a mom and less of a wife.

When I had kids I re-evaluated why I went to meetings - it's no longer for me because what I wanted was to be there childless or to take a nap. Why I pioneered was to meet the goal of who I was to become and for comraderie. But now I need to re-evaluate that - it's to make it to pioneer school & round out my service again. Why I let her "in" has been hoping to get support and be "seen" and important. But now I need to accept I won't get that on this side.

I need to envision my life according to my adult agenda and my family's needs and go from there. This has been a good but painful experience but very helpful in moving past a lot of preconceived ideas.