Old War Wounds

We so often go about figuring things out backwards - like, "Why do I self-sabotage?" or "Why do I binge at night?" Instead of doing it over & over & asking "WHY?" just don't do it & you'll get pretty clear, pretty quick what you've been trying to avoid! It seems so much easier to lie awake at night with an uncomfortably full stomach or with acid reflux & be focused on the 'beating myself up' dance than to lie awake with the pain from the past.

I've been staying on program for a couple of weeks now & I've been dealing with a lot of stuff that I've been able to stuff for a long time. It's amazing how those pains of long ago, those deep deep pains rise to the surface when there's no lasagna pushing them down. And what I find fascinating is that the old wounds aren't current anymore - I have really done a great job re-fashioning my life to not resemble my former life anymore. And, yet, when I remove my drug of choice (food) they rise to the surface again! That seems so unfair! 

When I asked my last counselor about this a few years ago - how to get rid of it - she said, "It won't go away. It's your job as an adult to nurture this pain & carefully guard it because you're going to carry it around with you all your adult life. But as you care for it it will sting less." Or something to that affect - it's hard to pay attention between sobs. 

So I wake up feeling a bit raw & not wanting to carry around old wounds - and yet not being given the choice to rid myself of them in this system. But . . . if there's a bright side - which there always is - I don't want to eat. I have NO cravings today. That is DEFINITELY a victory! So I'll take it!