There's a Saboteur Among Us

Yesterday was a bad day trying to stick to program. The initial decision came down to going to Subway or running home & picking up a bar. I chose Subway. Then it went downhill after 9 pm. So as I was sitting there @ 2:30 am thinking why I am making these choices. I thought, "Why did I go to Subway instead of going home? Why was eating a bar not fulfilling enough?" Fulfilling - does it come down to trying to feel fulfilled? Why is being a good mom (not that I totally think I'm a good mom), being a friend and co-worker with my God, being a good wife, being good at my job, being a good friend - why is this not fulfilling enough? Why is Subway needed to help me feel fulfilled? Why is eating necessary to feeling fulfilled? The truth is, the system in which we live isn't designed for us to feel fulfilled - we all feel something is missing. We all feel as if we don't have the time to relax & enjoy the ride. I just think it's sad that somewhere in me I think food will help me enjoy the ride - whereas feeling good about myself and my decisions will help me enjoy the ride even more. I wish I could get it through to my "FEED ME WENDY" side that you can eat at Subway or eat those cookies again, if you just cooperate for another few months and let the rest of us get to our goal. I deserve to get to my goal!! I am worth the effort this is taking!! My family deserves to see me reach my goal - they have suffered the consequences of my bad choices and subsequent illnesses. All of my internal voices will need to get on board with this process and I need to help myself reason that eating out will not help me feel fulfilled. I will feel VERY fulfilled reaching my goal. I will feel relieved to reach my goal. I will feel a huge weight lifted off of me, literally and figuratively, by reaching my goal. If it's about fulfillment, then actually get fulfilled - not a quick 5 min fix. That's what addicts do.

It was the COOK! (go figure)