Read me like a book

I got to laughing last week - I looked at the shelf next to my comfy chair with my stack of books and I thought how one can tell where my head is at by looking at my shelf. A few years ago my list consisted of, "The Weekend Marriage" "Divorce Busting" "Getting the Love You Want" & a few more. Any guesses what was going on in my life? Now, I have "50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food" "Dispatches from a not-so-perfect life (How I learned to love the house, the man, the child)" "Nice Girls Finish Fat" and "God Never Blinks". Any guesses? I'm almost to the end of "Dispatches" and I still haven't gotten to her learning to love the whole package. Maybe it's in the epilogue. At least reading her book has made me feel MUCH more normal. I told Kurt that he should read it so as to appreciate how calm and laid back I am.

Have you met my boyfriend?

I totally romanticize food - I think that's just weird!! But I do. I think it's like those girls we all know that just keeps going back to the same destructive dysfunctional guy and thinks, "this time it will be different!" And we think, "are you nuts??" Well, yes I am - thank you very much! My last binge off program was such a clear vision of my need for intervention. I really think strawberry pie from Marie Callendars is ALL THAT! So I plan for a week when I can go eat it and it's TOTALLY disappointing. But I do it over and over again. I think it's going to be different this time and scratch the itch - but it doesn't. The itch - see, I'm supposed to be paying attention to that and figure out what it is I need - but that's too much work, most of the time. Or it's not accessible right now - but food is. Thankfully, I'm back on the wagon and feeling better. So far I'm liking the new products so that's fun too. I mean, there's no harm in having a fling with a healthy sort of bloke, right?

Homework

Doing well first day back - lots of deep breaths but no headaches or cravings yet. I think I destroyed my body well enough the past month, I'm happy to be back on program. So here's the homework: List 5 goals I envision when I reach my goal weight: 1) I will have significantly less back pain 2) I will be at least in a size 10, if not smaller 3) I hope to be able to sleep in normal beds on vacations 4) I get to surgically correct what having twins did to my body 5) I will run a 5K Now, list 5 whys - why these are important or why continuing on my journey matters to me: 1) I want to enjoy life to the fullest extent possible 2) I want to set a good example for my kids 3) I want to be proud of myself 4) I want Kurt to feel proud of me 5) I want to accomplish what I set out to do

Okay, so now I can go back and re-read these when I need to remind myself why I'm continuing!

Coming back to life

Alright - it's time. I need to refocus and come back from the brink. It's been a stressful transition from the school year to summer but I'm slowly figuring it out and once I get there it will be Sept and the boys will start kindergarten. I'm not good with change - never have been - and this is just another life lesson given to us by our children. When you have kids change is guaranteed every 3 months for at least 18 years. What's the most difficult is dealing with my stress but not making the kids feel like it's at all their fault or that they are responsible for taking care of me. Em is especially sensitive to thinking she needs to take care of me. I've been overloading on TSFL program materials - recorded weekly calls, DVDs, CDs, the HOH books - everything I can get my hands on. And it's been working. I'm really motivated to get going again.

This week's call was about not stopping short of our goal and it really resonated with me. One thing she said was that our motivation changes once we start feeling better. So if we stop and then try to restart we find it so much harder because we already feel better. That's really true for me. I was SOOOOO miserable when I started but after losing 90 lbs, I have so much more energy, I can keep up with the kids, I don't get sick like I used to - so it's hard to feel motivated. I really have had to find a motivation from a good place instead of a motivation from "I hate my life". I've found some pictures and I'm working on my storyboard. I found a great picture of being 36 weeks pregnant with the boys - wow, does that remind me how miserable I was. The equation was something like: 330 lb.starting weight 35 old female + 7.4 lb. baby + 8.3 lb. baby = GET THEM OUT OF ME!!! But then I can see how far I've come and know how possible it really is to reach my goal. I still fight with the thoughts that I won't make it, since I haven't for so long. So it's been good to remind myself with pictures (I'm so visual anyway) of where I was, where I am and where I'm going. I came up with a 20 min presentation and I'm going to start next week trying to get in front of people. "This used to be my specialty. I was good in a living room. Send me in there, I'll do it alone." - Jerry Maguire. That's how I feel - I'm good in front of people, so I thought I'd go back to what I know. Let's get back in the saddle and feel a bit more in control instead of being whipped around by life. Look out world - here I come again . . .

Losing my mind!

I'm losing my mind! My friend has been telling me this program is too hard, which I find interesting because the program is so simple, how could it be hard? But being totally stressed out w/ kids and foot issues and wanting to eat makes me feel the same thing. I just happen to be counseled enough to know it's not the program's fault - it's my looking for comfort that becomes the issue. I thought trying not to eat while having the boys all day was tough - MAN! add Emily to the equation and it seems impossible. Of course, I know it's not impossible, but I haven't figured out the formula yet.

Vaca w/ parents - Therapist Needed

Went on vacation with parents and overall, all went well, but MAN - being with them makes me need therapy. It was nice to hear how proud my dad is of me that I've lost all this weight and that I've stuck with this program but then he makes comments about driving by Dairy Queen and showing my kids another place they can't eat. I ask what that means and he says because they aren't allowed to have dessert - WHAT? They had mom's brownies 2 nights in a row and then sugar free cookies that night. It's a VERY strange thing when people make comments about my deprived kids because I'm on this program. Another "friend" made a comment after my son hurt himself - I texted, "nothing ice cream won't cure" and she texted back, "I was going to suggest sugar but I thought it was hopeless. There is hope for you." Now keep in mind that my boys are allergic to sugar and get raw skin rashes when they eat too much of it - so if they are kept off, it's absolutely for their own good and comfort, not because I'm a tree hugging, organic tea drinking, soy loving, sugar fascist. But I guess because I abstain from sugar 70% of the time, I'm now a "bad" mother. I know, I know, I'm reading more into this than is there - but only by the slightest degree. The truth is, they do have issues and don't like that I'm changing and they aren't. One knows this will come when one loses weight, but it surprises me when I run across it. It comes as such a personal affront. Oh well, nothing a big scoop of ice cream won't cure. :-)

New Day - New Resolve

Doing a bit better today. Finally got to sleep and woke up willing to get out of bed. Still daydreaming of food so not sure how the day will go. I'm so glad my addiction is to food and not to alcohol, or I'd be on Intervention every month. Last night I was thinking how I no longer feel I have no control over my eating but rather I just want to comfort eat. It's a very small distinction between comfort eating despite myself or comfort eating because I want to. Both end up with my eating but one makes me feel crazy and the other is a well thought out action. I guess that's progress. So we'll see where the day takes me. The truth is, I don't feel strong enough to be on plan 100%. Being on plan 100% requires me being with myself a lot without distraction and we'll see how well I can do with that today. As for last Sunday, let's just say The Man will be going back to counseling. I'm not the only one with crazy in my blood!! Got to love him that at least he's willing. On with the day . . .

Soooo Depressed

I'm on day 2 of my "barely can get out of bed 'cause I'm so depressed" state. Sunday night's incident has knocked me out for the count and I'm trying to find my will to go on. Thankfully, because of my years of chronic fatigue, the kids are parented well from a reclining position - so I'm thankful for that. Around 4: today I'm visited by The Man to see how I'm doing. "I'm soooo depressed." "Why?" "Life as we know it." This brief conversation is followed by his brief nap and then leaving to check on the children. Another graduate of the Suicide Prevention Hotline Home School Program! So I come up with a brilliant idea - since I'm basically only needed from 7:30 - 5:30 every day I will take my sleeping pills around 4:30 and knock myself out instead of going through the downhill spiral 5:30 on usually brings. I won't have to eat by myself every night - which usually starts the spiral and which is then followed by "we left without telling you because we thought you wanted to rest". Anyway, I get up and take a couple of pills - need to take more because I really want to sleep through dinner - too depressed to eat. Around 5:30 I'm revisited to see if I want anything to eat or drink - 20 years has trained him well to throw food into the cage. Unfortunately, I'm not into eating so a "discussion" ensues. I must say that having a "discussion" on sleeping pills is a very effective way to have the "calm and mild spirit". But we go nowhere except that 2 hrs has passed and I MUST eat now - but I can't drive or cook - so food he eventually brings. Should have just gone for that in the first place. Why fight the inevitable. It's now 11:30 - still can't sleep - still depressed and lonely and very much wanting strawberry pie a la mode!!

Paradigm Shift

I remember the first time I read about a Paradigm Shift - it was explained this way - "I'm riding on the subway and a father is there with his 2 children. The children are being horrible, disruptive and loud and I'm getting angrier and angrier that the father isn't taking care of the situation. I finally say something, the father looks up and apologizes and says they are coming from the hospital where their mother just died. I now shift from being angry to being sympathetic. By shifting my perspective, my feelings and viewpoint make a total transformation."

This has always stuck with me - the power of perspective. We just don't have access to the "truth". We only see things from one perspective and who's to say ours is the correct or most accurate or the most kind perspective. There always is another way to view something. As one person said, "no matter how thin the pancake, there are always two sides". Profound indeed & uses a food analogy so it can't get much better!

So I'm making a Paradigm Shift this weekend. I've been doing really well on plan but I thought when it comes to my TOTM, I'm going to eat what I want & go off plan for a day. Yesterday I ate wonderful lime enchiladas from Chez Jose and a Sonic sundae and Round Table pizza - along with a big drink the night before. Didn't love the drink, didn't love the sundae and didn't love the pizza. Did love the enchiladas! So when I'm "allowing" myself to eat whatever I want why do I still choose things from my past perspective that I thought tasted good. I am making a shift & I'm going to now eat what I really want - this doesn't have to mean off plan. In fact, some of the best food I've eaten has been on plan and it took being on plan for me to even try it. I used to go to an Italian restaurant in my neighborhood - there were two things I'd always order, both horribly fattening and heavy. Now I eat the meatloaf (which I normally HATE but I LOVE theirs!) with fresh asparagus on the side - talk about a GREAT meal and one I would never have tried before.

So back on plan I go!!