Speaking of Dreams . . .

As I was contemplating my strange dreams the other morning @ 2 am, I thought of a recurring dream that I've had all these years. You know that "fork in the road" scene in a movie where the character can either go one direction and stay on the path carved out for her by family or go the other direction where life will be a total risk and adventure? You know, Thelma & Louise off the cliff? Meryl Streep staying in the truck with her husband instead of going with Clint Eastwood? Well, my life had that moment - much less dramatic, of course. Nothing movie worthy. But I often think of how my life could have gone if I had ventured down that path with this other guy (no, not you).

There was a guy from work - not that it was a real offer - well, I guess it kind of was. But the culmination, the fork in the road, was our last day of work - we were both leaving the branch on the same day and his going away party was downtown and his friend had called me to make sure I was going to go. This guy was about 15 yrs older than me and, compared to my family, had quite a bit of money. He was my "Mr. Big". He was in charge of the branch but being the 18 year old I was, I treated him like anyone else. I'd have him get my coffee or proof read my letters. In those days I would have said to the pope, "Hey you in the tall hat, can you be a dear & grab . . ." Anyway, I left work and all night I kept thinking of going downtown - it really took something for me not to go. But instead I had friends come up from CA and drive me back down to CA the next day. Get me OUT OF HERE! He and I stayed in touch for a few years and the truth is, he's the only one that I would have been horrified to see as an overweight person. In fact, I'm pretty sure he saw me once and chose not to say "HI" - which still is embarrassing to me.

So over the years, I often have dreams about him. None of this was "real" - I'm sure in the real world we would have hated each other, but the idea of him and going that direction was my "grass is greener" scenario. So as I was thinking about this, I thought, "It sure is a good thing I didn't want to escape my life when I was 19 or else I would have gone downtown that night." Then I thought, "but when I want to escape NOW is when I have dreams about him" - isn't that amazing. He represents an escape from the life I have. I actually had an "AHA" moment at 2 am that I need to realize when I'm having dreams about him is when I need to check in with myself about what I'm trying to escape right now. This is a moment for my Adult to take care of my Child (see Aug posts). And as I had THAT thought, I actually felt comforted - like, "you're actually listening - thanks" (No, I'm not on drugs)

It's funny - people have commented that putting pictures of myself on my website is "really putting myself out there" but writing down my dreams makes me feel really exposed! But this is all a journey and I'm sure I'm not the only one going through these issues. I'm sure I'm not the only one that has a "fork in the road" moment in life that they revisit "What if???" And, more importantly, if we can realize that when we revisit that moment it probably isn't about the actual "What if?" but more "What am I not getting right now that I'm daydreaming about . . . And how can I help myself get what I'm missing?"

As I thought of publishing this I thought, "what are the odds this guy will ever wander across my site?" Then I thought, "what's the chance a 60 yr old corporate stiff will wander into a weight loss journey blog on accident?" None, right? Let's hope!!