They're Trying to Kill Us!

I think from the moment our children implant themselves into our uterine wall, the process of survival of the fittest begins. They deform our bodies, then tear their way out of us and then make sure we don't sleep for at least a year, if not more. I remember sitting next to one of the boys when they were 12 months old, I had been so sick that first year, and I told him, I would win - for as much as he wanted to cry, I would win and he would learn to sleep through the night!

Yesterday I heard the argument that women used mental health reasons to terminate their pregnancies - depression and anxiety. YES! You will have depression and anxiety if you have children - for many years to come. Even those women that desperately work to have children will also have depression and anxiety. It comes with the territory. You will probably cry for much of the first year of your child's life and multiply that by the number of children that exit your body - for me it was twins so it was 2 years. Octomom has 7 more years of tears.

Then you catch a break. They get cute and adorable and loving (hopefully) and you decide they can stay for another year. Then another. And before you know it, they have caught on that they are no longer torturing you and they become teenagers. Then the battle really ensues. Unfortunately, this is where the munchkins usually win, sorry to say.

I bring all this up because my children have decided the most effective way to take me out, is to limit my sleep. They keep me up WAY too late and then wake me up every 1/2 hour beginning anywhere from 3 am to 6 am. Today it was 6 am, 6:30 am, 7 am, 7:30 am - at this point I got up and decided to fight back. After yelling at Aaron for banging his head so loudly into the wall (sorry, no sympathy in the am!!) and after swearing under my breath - I donned my walking apparel and went for a walk. I decided when I got home, maybe I would be willing to co-inhabit with them again. The best way to fight back is to gain my strength. They sense weakness.

I literally daydream of where I can live while they are living in my home. I believe I might end up in the garage - or I've asked Kurt to put a yert in the backyard. But they would find me.

Go Home!!!

Yesterday was a Beautiful day!! I had an amazing Bible study with friends. The boys were being perfect!! I had to return my new size 22 pants & buy size 20 since the 22s were falling off!!! Perfect day, right? And all I wanted to do was go out to eat! AAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH!

I was in such a good mood and I wanted to celebrate with a nice meal out. Eating out is such an intrinsic part of my celebration of life/mood altering coping mechanism/escapism/daily occurence. It felt like torture to drive home and not stop at the 50 places calling for me to stop. I literally prayed all the way home and came home and ate what I had here. It's not that I CAN'T eat out but I don't want to use food that way. I don't want to eat out because of a craving. Those patterns ingrained in me since from childhood aren't easily shaken.

Accountability Part 1

I'm trying to be accountable - I didn't go for a walk yesterday. (Well, I walked the length of Em's school a few times, does that count?)

Pat on the Back

I'm going to go ahead and give myself a pat on the back. I find that I have changed so many of my patterns that it's nice, occasionally, to reflect on the new and improved way I handle some situations. I had a very disappointing encounter with someone last week that left me hurt, stunned and disappointed. I was happy that I immediately voiced my feelings but in a non-confrontational way but then it got even worse. So I cried for several days.

The old Wendy would not have gotten in touch with the hurt right away. She would have been ANGRY!! Not that I wasn't angry - I was - but I immediately was hurt as well. I appreciated a comment Rosie made yesterday - she talked of her rage towards someone and said, "If I were more brave I would have just cried." I TOTALLY relate to that! Crying and being vulnerable is the scariest reaction - it's SOOOO much easier to be angry and rage!

So I pat myself on the back for being vulnerable - not just vulnerable, but in front of Kurt and my mom!! My mom seldom sees me like that. And then on Saturday when I still felt bad, I asked Kurt to change his plans so he could spend the day with me so I wouldn't have to be alone. Again, the old Wendy would have tried to "tough it out" and then I would have eventually resented Kurt for not recognizing what I needed. (Our poor husbands!) But I told him I needed support and we had a really enjoyable day.

I will also give my mom and Kurt kudos for coming through and supporting me so nicely. Thank You!!

Motivation - NOT!

I need some motivation to MOVE!! Pilates is great but I just can't get myself to walk. I tried a few weeks ago and got sick and haven't gotten back to it since. I at times feel the urge to walk but I sit down until it passes.

So I'm going to be accountable to you through my blog. Let's see if I can get myself off my recliner. Years ago, when I really wanted a recliner, I'd take Kurt over to the section in the store & he would walk me over to the exercise equipment! Maybe this is my revenge. We own a treadmill and two recliners and I visit the treadmill maybe once every 6 months. So even though I did pilates today, I'm going to go for a walk. I have purchased new bras, so no more wardrobe malfunctions!! (See "What a Boob!") Hey Boys - get your shoes on!!

Within 5 lbs.

250 - my goal for the past 2 years has been 250. We were paying $300/mo. for me to be on Kurt's insurance and for me to be able to go on my own plan I needed to weigh 250. So I kept thinking, "I can do that - but how??" The truth is, it seemed impossible. That was a loss of 75 or more - depending on the week. And here I am. Within 5 lbs. of that goal!! I truly can't believe it. I've gone from a size 30 pant (actually, at some point I couldn't even fit those so I was wearing strictly elastic) to my shopping trip last weekend where I'm now a 22. I even bought sweaters that were an 18/20. WOW! 18 is where I was when we got married almost 20 years ago. This has been a fantastic journey and again, thank you all for your support. Not just your support while losing the weight, because that's been the fun part of the journey, but your support for the past 20 years through the sickness, the depression, the first year of twin madness, and the massive anger I carried around for not being in control of my actions. Huge thank you & LOVE to Kurt - my patient husband - who has loved me thick & thin (comparatively) and always knew I would get here again.

Thankfully, Kurt's insurance changed in January this year so we are no longer paying $300 a month extra for me so I don't even have to worry about changing insurance - but still I'm almost there! I'm almost 1/2 done with this stage & I can't wait to see where the next 75 lbs leads me!!

Coach Support

I have my first 2 people to support on their journey of a healthier lifestyle!! YEAH! I'm very excited. I'm a bit anxious because I know how hard it's been to sort out my thoughts and patterns and I'm hoping very much I can be useful to others. But I am thankful that my blog has inspired others to take on their goals.

Life is SOOOOOO stressful and overwhelming and I just HATE that we take that stress out on ourselves! I hate that the system is set up that when we need a break, the easiest and best feeling break is something destructive to ourselves - eating, smoking, drinking, gambling . . . A massage, a facial, a healthy relaxed dinner, a nap - these are what we need, but who has the money & time to do that at the moment!!! My kids just aren't cooperative to sit quietly through an hour massage. (Although my iphone apps have contained them through my chiropratic appts now - or as Aaron says, "firepactor") It's really hard to find the strength within to delay feeling better until we can find a way that is useful and healthy. It's amazingly hard at first to deny yourself that drive thru or cigarette because our body is CRAVING a break - a little bit of feeling good - so it's really mind over matter and the understanding that delaying gratification will in & of itself be gratifying. My challenge to you today - make 1 decision that is actually for your health & not just for you to feel immediately better & see how you feel about that decision tonight when you're going to sleep. See if it was worth it.