If not this then . . .

Last night I was daydreaming of rocky road ice cream. I could taste it, I could feel it in my mouth. I actually was starting to get out of my chair with the intention of leaving to buy some when I thought, "What are you doing? You're going to go to all the effort to get dressed, drive to the store, walk around the store, purchase the ice cream, sit in an abandoned parking lot and eat ice cream, return home and sit right back down in this chair." How crazy is that? I thought I might as well sit here in this chair and pretend that I just did all that and save myself several hundred calories and feeling HORRIBLE the next day. But then I got in a HORRIBLE mood instead and I thought, so why can't I sit here and pretend I just ate ice cream. I decided it's a lack of endorphins. When my brain needs an endorphin lift I crave sugar and when I don't eat it I feel more depressed. So I did research and found here are some other things to maybe try next time I need my endorphins to kick in - of course the ones to avoid are chocolate and pain - the things to try: sex, exercise, laughing, chili peppers, massage, acupuncture (kids - take this pin and . . .) and meditation. None sound as enjoyable as eating rocky road ice cream but I'll give them a try anyway.

Noooooooooooooooo!

I'm reading a book, When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair, by Geneen Roth and I will admit I'm only at the beginning of the book but she says NEVER DIET. She says you will not go wild and eat without control just because you stop dieting. She says throw out your skinny clothes - they are only yelling derisions at you and you don't need that. Maybe it's just a difference of life experiences but I did just that when I got married - I ate without guilt and ate what I felt and stopped when I felt like stopping. I stopped the "diet" mentality and I gained about 160 lbs. I did lose control and my emotional eating kicked in with full force. Dieting all those years prior was also not dealing with my food issues, but it kept me in check and was a useful tool when my "skinny" clothes no longer fit me. I just don't believe in giving up the dream. Granted, therapy has helped me make the dream more realistic, but I still have a dream for my future and it involves fitting into thinner clothes. Seeing those stupid pair of white washed jeans in my closet for the past 20 years reminded me of what I could do if I put my mind to it and if I found something that would work with my body. I attribute my current level of success to continuing to seek out the right "diet" and keeping in mind the eventually thin fantasy. I didn't start TSFL because I knew the science behind it or that I believed it would work or because the support was awesome and would mean the difference between long term success or failure. I started TSFL because it was, in my uneducated mind, another "diet" that I hadn't tried before. And it has led me to a lifestyle that has changed my life. But if I had listened to Geneen's advice I would not have made that call that has changed my life. I plan on fitting into those "skinny" jeans and maybe even wearing them out of the house (of course, I'll have to get big hair and 80's earrings) so maybe I'll wear them to a costume party - but I will wear them again. Please, don't give up the dream of getting your body back. Please don't give into eating what you want and trusting yourself to stop when you're full. If you have insulin problems or immune issues or emotional issues (I think that should cover just about everyone) you will most likely NOT stop when you're "done". You probably won't know when your "done". And eating "what you feel like eating" very likely will start a cycle of unhealth (binging, compulsive eating, berating yourself, insulin resistance, etc). I wish with my whole heart I could go back and stop myself from giving up when I got sick in my 20's. I wish I could tell myself that it was worth the continued fight to save my body from the ravages of gross, processed, sugar laden food. Never give up, never surrender!! :-)

Never Trust a Skinny Cook

I think it's funny how we hold to the belief that we're normal, even when we know we aren't. I guess it's human nature to try to hold onto the image but I have to keep reminding myself that I have food issues and how I think isn't necessarily "healthy". I was watching that unnaturally skinny Italian cook (words that should not be said side-by-side) and between the thoughts of "how in the world does she cook food like that & stay so skinny" I was thinking how much it bothers me to watch FoodTV and see them put bowls in the sink that still has some left to be scraped out. Then it dawned on me that, no, that's probably not a "normal" compulsion. In fact, that line of reasoning has led me to finish my plate on more than one occasion. Or go back for seconds, even when I'm not wanting more. "For goodness sake, there is more there - we must use every last bit!" And it's true that I HATE to throw away food. I'd rather eat it than throw it away. And I eat at parties as if I will never see chocolate cake again in my life. Funny how my last post was saying eating compulsively felt new, but now that I'm thinking about it, I can think of MANY times where one piece was not nearly enough, frankly, when one dinner wasn't enough. Wow - the blinders we wear!! A couple of years ago I went to a graduation party and a friend made her famous homemade strawberry cake - yummy! And afterwards I felt embarrassed about how many pieces I ate. Then I went to another party "on plan" and the same person brought the same cake - didn't even taste it. But I still had to bring some home to Kurt - of course, can't let it go to waste - someone related to me MUST enjoy it.

There are all these books about conscientious eating and trusting yourself to allow yourself to eat. And then you have Overeaters Anonymous which touts, "We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable." WOW - what to believe - no wonder people can't lose weight. I don't know if I am with either team - but I do know that right now I don't trust that if I ate a piece of that yummy strawberry cake, I would stop at one piece. Does that mean I'm powerless to it? Not ready to admit to that and yet I don't trust myself to taste it. Hmmmm, with people like me in the world, therapists will continue to stay in business! (side note - Kurt & I waited 10 years to have kids and people would ask why we weren't having children. Depending on how offended I was that they were prying, I'd either answer "Because we don't have sex" or "Because I can't afford their therapy.")

Just Walk Away!!

Is it possible that some of us have the same problem that some alcoholics have - you can't even touch it or you lose all control? I know some alcoholics drink as a way to cope, some drink every day, but others can go for a while without drinking, but once they do, they can't stop. That's how I felt yesterday. I know I have a tendency to use food to cope or to soothe, but yesterday we went out to eat and I had planned what I was going to order and I had every intention to stick to plan. I ate 2 teeny pieces of bread and one bite of lasagna - not bad at all - but then I came home and I wanted to keep eating. So I ate a bar and then another and then the food thoughts came flooding in. I managed to keep myself home and not go out to eat what "I felt like eating" - I was able to stay real and remember how eating that would make me feel so I really didn't "feel like eating" that. But I ended up eating spaghetti and after that I craved toast - but managed to not eat it. It felt CRAZY!! So last night I was wondering if eating carbs (and maybe it has to do with not eating enough protein or insulin levels or some bigger picture) but if eating carbs unleashes something in me that makes me want to "binge" eat. I have NEVER been a binger, per se. I've never eaten a package of cookies or a whole container of ice cream. But last night, my body couldn't get enough. I had to talk myself off the ledge all afternoon and evening. I guess this is considered compulsive eating. This feels new to me - I guess I have some research to do. Fun, fun. Oh well, back on plan today and lesson learned - those 2 teeny pieces of bread are pretty powerful so WALK AWAY!!

Auto Client Contact

So for any coaches out there - or for that matter, people that have to contact their clients on a regular basis, we are in beta testing mode on a program my husband wrote for me. I find it daunting to keep track of where my clients are at in their journey and when I'm supposed to contact them again. So the program allows me to input them at the beginning and then it auto sends them emails according to whatever schedule I want. It also lets me know when to contact them again via text. So I have it set up that they get a welcome email on day 1, a homework assignment on day 3, a reminder that their order should be arriving on day 7, a "first 3 days can be tough, drink your bouillon, stick with it" on day 10, etc. Then follow ups every week and special little reminders in between. Every email sent to them gets sent to me as well so I can track what's been sent out.

If anyone is interested, let me know - he is going to tweak it to make it more user friendly and maybe TSFL will add this type of technology to the new biz site, but for now, I think this will be AMAZINGLY useful for us.

Thinking out loud

Haven't thought this out all the way, but thought I'd mull on this: So I had to go with Kurt to his therapy session today to give my perspective and surprise, surprise - we were pretty far off of each other. Not in any horrible ways, but we sure see things differently. So this lead to a long discussion tonight (in which we both concluded it's best for our marriage that I not dwell in the innermost thoughts of his head - it only leads to bad things). But as we were talking it dawned on me how much our relationship has lead me to eat. I wasn't overweight when we were dating and I was living on my own. Actually living on my own is the thinnest I had been in my adult life. But when we got engaged I got sick and so by our marriage I was about 30 lbs. overweight - still not horrible. But our first year of marriage I gained about 100 lbs. This is when the emotional eating began. Not bonding with my family didn't lead me to want to eat, but I think I always knew I'd be able to get out of that relationship - or to the extent that I needed to get out of it. But marriage was different - our differences weren't going to resolve themselves any time soon (20 yrs later, they're still here) and eating became an escape. For one, eating out with Kurt was a way to get his attention. Even to this day, eating out is one of the few times the phones go away and we talk. Also, until I began this plan, Kurt used getting me nighttime snacks as a way to "show me love" which meant he'd run to the donut shop or to Wendy's to bring me home a frosty. Even the other night I was wanting to try those m&m pretzels and he was going to go get them for me (but I changed my mind). He says it shows his love and I say it has enabled my addiction. In the past, I might have changed my mind but I still would take the food because it was the act of love available to me - so I'd take it, even if I didn't want the food anymore. And eating at night is a way of coping with being lonely. I appreciate very much that Kurt is tending to the kids and putting them down but the way he does it, it can takes hours which means I'm alone for hours. Or he's taken them out of the house so I can have quiet, which I totally appreciate, but that doesn't mean I'm not lonely. It would be great to have a sitter take them from 5: - 7: so Kurt & I could have alone time but then he wouldn't see them. It's one of those "lose, lose" situations. I in no way blame Kurt for my being overweight, but marriage has played a big role in my emotional eating. (Imagine how big I would have been if I had married someone I didn't really like!!) When I was single, I'd fill my nights with being around friends but now I long for that same interchange and it's not available. For one, friendships change once everyone gets married and then add kids, it's impossible. Maybe not if I had the energy, but who has the energy? So this week as I got lonely, I've gone for a walk. I walked Sat and Monday around 2.5 miles - put on my headphones and got moving. It's been very effective at getting me out of my head and putting me in a better mood. So I'll try to keep this up and do something beneficial as I get into the evening eating funk instead of wallowing in my calories.

Chip off the old block

The other night we're eating pizza (yes, pizza) and my daughter gives her crust to her brother & goes & gets herself another slice. Aaron asks why she doesn't want it & she says, "I'm cutting down on carbs!" OMG - too funny!!

Must . . . Eat . . . Bagel

Just dropped off the kids for grandparent sleep over and immediately began daydreaming of food. It took all my control to drive home instead of stopping for something yummy. When I was almost home the phone rang & I forgot to leave a car seat!!! So this time driving back I thought, "Okay, whatever, I'm going to go eat a bagel." But then (because I'm reading 50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food) I had it in my mind that I needed to use this moment to try a different approach. If I don't learn this now, I will never keep my weight off and I will never reach my goal. Even the thought of "I need to do something different" made me stop daydreaming of food. (Side note - when I went to buy the book yesterday I told the sales person it should come with a bar of chocolate - you know, until I've read the book & applied it . . .) So here I am, drinking my coffee and eating my bar and writing my cathartic details. Funny how I complain how hard it is to be on plan with kids and now I'm without them and I'm complaining how hard it is without kids. Hmmmmm, I see a pattern.

Stuck

Strange stuck place. I'm doing pretty good on plan but am living life and so I'm not losing like I'd like - like before. For example yesterday, I took a friend to lunch & ate on program but then I tried to eat MR for dinner and by 10: I was starving so I had to eat drive thru. I ate on plan but then I'm more full than normal so I didn't lose weight. Summer has been hard to either stay on plan or eat on schedule. I'm doing MUCH better since I re-evaluated why I'm doing this and I'm being much more zen about the whole process. Instead of just getting to goal, I'm also doing this because I feel better and I want to feel better forever, not just when I get to goal. But I'm also feeling frustrated by the lack of progress. I guess this is what I'm supposed to learn: In the past, when I stopped seeing progress I would quit the program or go off plan - why do it if there wasn't results? But now, I'm doing this as a life course, not just for results so even if there isn't "weight loss" there is better health - so this is the new motivation. I need to think long term, not just instant results. I am a total product of the NOW generation - if it's not working in one week, then screw it! But that's the old way of thinking - the new way is - of course it's working because you have 10 other ways to see results - maybe just not the 1 you were hoping to see this week. Start looking at the other 9 and enjoy.