Tough Love

I was reminded again of how desperate we are to receive our parents' love, approval, support, aid, comfort and salvation. Even when our adult mind tells us it will never happen or when our adult mind knows of the constant heartache we have experienced already, our inner child pokes up their head and wishes for a miracle.

My friend recently told me how much she's looking forward to her mother's visit. But in the same breath she tells me how she normally survives the visits by remaining drunk most of the time. Another friend tells me the HORRIBLE things his father has told him throughout his childhood but then tells me his disappointment that he has never visited him since he's moved to Washington. My other friend tells me the total dysfunction he grew up in and the constant fighting of his parents and then tells me that he's invited his parents to stay with him for 2 weeks in his TINY house. And then complains how horrible they act.

It took me years of therapy to figure out that it's not the parents fault for disappointing us but our own fault for not accepting their limitations. I remember SOBBING when I finally had to let go of the "fairy tale" vision. I remember seeing my own husband cry when he came to the realization that things aren't going to change. It's US that need to change our expectations. And whereas we can say to ourselves or our friends that their spouses won't change or their bosses won't change, we as humans just DON'T WANT TO ACCEPT that our parents aren't going to change. They aren't going to morph into the perfect salve that will heal our missing pieces. I found it shocking the first time my counselor was harsh with ME when I was speaking of what my mother had not done - because "Why was I still putting myself in that position of setting myself up for another disappointment?" It's not the parents' fault for disappointing, it's our fault for not accepting. Tough, Tough, Tough lesson.