Pita & Hummus & Wine, OH MY!

Ate at my favorite restaurant the other day & my friend was drinking a glass of wine & had a BIG plate of pita & hummus in front of her. This is something that I've been craving and craving over the past few months. She says, "One glass of wine won't kill you, will it?" EVIL! So I considered it for a few minutes and thought it wasn't worth it. It takes 4 days to get back into "fat burning" mode once I get out of "the zone" of ketosis and I'm not willing to lose 4 days. I lost about 2 weeks a month ago because of eating out so much and I really want to get through with this part of my journey. I just want to be at goal. For as much as I would LOVE a glass of wine, it's just not worth it. I can drink again in 8 months.

In the end, I tore off a teeny piece of the bread and dipped it in the hummus and DIDN'T LIKE IT!! Isn't it true that we build up our expectations of food so much that when we actually eat it, it often falls short of what we were expecting? I sure do - but in the past, I would eat it anyway.

So another challenge conquered and past - KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE GOAL!

Exercise - Dang It, Dang It, Dang It!

I feel like I actually have this eating thing down, I feel like I have the dealing with my emotions down, and I feel like I have a plan for the future, even when I hit my goal. But I don't feel like I've reached my goal as far as exercise goes. I've been doing Pilates w/ a trainer twice a week faithfully for 1 year now. Within the first few months I lost a size or two, but it never helped me lose weight. I KNOW I HAVE TO ADD CARDIO. I HATE CARDIO. Well, not totally true. I like tennis, I like walking when I have nothing else to do the rest of the day, I like swimming. But I don't like how much cardio takes out of me. I don't like the clean up. I have used the excuses: If I go for a walk, I'll sweat too much & then I have to take another shower or If I go swimming, it takes hours out of my day, or It's raining so I can't go for that walk, like I wanted to. I have so many excuses it's not even funny. But if I want to conquer this battle, I have to add cardio. So my goal is to walk to Pilates twice a week, rain or shine. Until I have built myself up to be able to walk home, Kurt will pick me up. I have walked once before (last summer) and it took about 35 minutes (it's a little over 1 mile w/ a few good hills). My legs were rubber by the time I arrived, but, in the end, it was a good thing since they were numb so Pilates didn't hurt. The problems that I'm forseeing are: 1) if it's rainy, I need to bring a change of clothes which I'll have to carry 2) I have to eat more than usual since I don't eat much in the morning but if I don't eat correctly before leaving, I'll pass out for sure! 3) I WON'T WANT TO GO! Maybe the biggest problem of all. I think Friday will be my first walking day so give me encouragement & let's all witness me do another seemingly impossible feat!

Nothing Tastes as Good as . . . a Chocolate Cupcake?

I discovered what it feels like to believe in the saying, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels". I've never subscribed to that way of thinking before. I could think of SEVERAL things that tasted as good - "in fact, I think I'll go eat some now." But for the past few weeks I've been eating out a lot and I'm actually kind of sick of it. I truly NEVER thought this day would come. There are SOOOO many reasons why I enjoy eating out. And the truth is, I still miss some of those reasons but currently I'm more sick of the expense, the time it takes and the water retention. Not to mention the stomach distress if I make the wrong choice (even when I think I'm making the correct choice). So I'm still eating out on occasion, but I'm more excited to continue losing weight. Cool, huh?

Tough Love

I was reminded again of how desperate we are to receive our parents' love, approval, support, aid, comfort and salvation. Even when our adult mind tells us it will never happen or when our adult mind knows of the constant heartache we have experienced already, our inner child pokes up their head and wishes for a miracle.

My friend recently told me how much she's looking forward to her mother's visit. But in the same breath she tells me how she normally survives the visits by remaining drunk most of the time. Another friend tells me the HORRIBLE things his father has told him throughout his childhood but then tells me his disappointment that he has never visited him since he's moved to Washington. My other friend tells me the total dysfunction he grew up in and the constant fighting of his parents and then tells me that he's invited his parents to stay with him for 2 weeks in his TINY house. And then complains how horrible they act.

It took me years of therapy to figure out that it's not the parents fault for disappointing us but our own fault for not accepting their limitations. I remember SOBBING when I finally had to let go of the "fairy tale" vision. I remember seeing my own husband cry when he came to the realization that things aren't going to change. It's US that need to change our expectations. And whereas we can say to ourselves or our friends that their spouses won't change or their bosses won't change, we as humans just DON'T WANT TO ACCEPT that our parents aren't going to change. They aren't going to morph into the perfect salve that will heal our missing pieces. I found it shocking the first time my counselor was harsh with ME when I was speaking of what my mother had not done - because "Why was I still putting myself in that position of setting myself up for another disappointment?" It's not the parents' fault for disappointing, it's our fault for not accepting. Tough, Tough, Tough lesson.

Nice Wendy

So the other day I noticed that Kurt has been quite nice lately. I mentioned it to him & he said that I've been nicer lately and he's "not afraid of me anymore". Thought that was quite funny. I said, "But I'm still grumpy." He said, "Yeah, but all I need to do is feed you. Maybe that's it, I now know how to deal with the grumpy mood."

So I thought a lot about that. Why am I nicer lately? I decided it was because I'm not as upset with myself anymore. I was definitely angry most of the time with the decisions I was making. I was angry with myself at what I was doing to myself. I was angry that I was making myself sick all the time. I was angry with my lack of self-control I'm just not as angry anymore - so I take it out on him so much less.

So note to self - "eat healthy, improve marriage". Who knew?

Off Track

Where'd everyone go? Isn't this the way for the Marathon? Apparently not. So I've been off course for the past month or so. Not horribly but I've definitely gotten into some bad habits. I've been eating out A LOT again. I've been drinking my beloved Diet Pepsi again. And I've not been drinking my water. I'm still not eating carbs or eating "off plan" but I'm eating like I'm in maintenance mode and not in losing weight mode. Then I'll go back & eat on plan again & lose 3 lbs in 3 days. So it's not like I'm eating so much to actually gain weight, but it puts water weight back on & I feel puffy again. I'm not beating myself up too badly because it's been a nice break but it's time to get serious again. It has been nice to see what it will be like when I'm in maintenance. Still pretty much the same but with a lunch and dinner on the agenda.

Time to get back on track!!