Doing well

Back on now - have a few clients back on too, which helps. I've gained 30 lbs and I'm done feeling bad about myself and how I eat. The other day I was sitting at night and wondering why I lose my resolve half way through the day and it came to me that I disappear throughout the day. I slowly lose myself and accomplishing becomes the important task at hand. I had gone through Taco Bell, even though I was trying to talk myself out of it all the way through, and sat and ate burritos and as I was it dawned on me that I didn't want Taco Bell, I wanted to sit for 15 min before heading home. So I'm committed to not disappearing - I need to stay present and continue to fight for myself and what I need. For example yesterday, my 9 hr day in service, I was fading around 2: and really wanted to eat - so I went to a salad bar and got food I could eat and stayed on track. Then I didn't push myself to be social and talk for about an hour - I just needed to regain strength. And then lying in bed last night I was wanting to "reward" myself by eating today but instead I slept in and took care of myself that way. I really need to stop pushing so hard and take time out in the day to recoup.

Costco Run

I went to Costco on Sunday & bought TONS of groceries - strawberries, yummy crusty bread, granola, apple turnovers, healthy good stuff too and have thoroughly let myself off the hook this week. I'm committed to eat at home for the rest of the month & eat yummy home cooked meals - not grilled cheese every night. I want to use up the food in the pantry and remember how to cook. My eating out has definitely gotten out of control and I don't even enjoy it anymore (more or less). So I'm happy to be eating at home. And now I'm becoming more clear about what I'm doing - I decided that no matter how much I don't want to work right now, one reason for my success is actually being embroiled in the TSFL training and family. And one way to give myself daily reminders is to give my clients reminders. So I'm going to start being a health coach again and start reminding myself of the reasons for not giving up. This time it will be less about the money, even though it wasn't really about the money the first time, but about living in the best way for me and teaching others to do the same. If you found out that gluten free made you feel better then every time you heard someone complain about your same symptoms you would preach the benefit of gluten free - and that's how I feel (not to mention many products are gluten free - so how about that!) But seeing others being plagued with the same health issues I have and knowing that this could help is my catalyst to being an example and giving out cards. I really really really would like to do this with someone though. I feel a little lost at sea doing it by myself. Of course, I'm not by myself, but I'd be more comfortable being with a friend through this - so if any of you want to help others become more healthy, let me know. I'm still giving myself some time to be "off the hook" but it's not crazy "off the hook", it's just not 100% yet.

Lightening the load by lightening the load

So here was the breakthrough for today - I've been striving after "success" since I was aware enough that I wasn't considered "enough" as I was. So maybe it started around age 12 - and since then success has been the goal - started pioneering at 16 while in school and working at night. Then I strove for success at jobs. It was more a proof for myself that I can do it, not outward recognition. But then after getting sick I've been slowly letting myself off the hook from success - I've been trying to have the drive but I always lose it at some point. It's been hard to quit jobs that I was finding success in but I'm trying to be enough as I am. The thing is, when it comes to weight, I am not happy with being okay with how I am at this weight. I really wish I was - but I want myself back. I want weight to not be an issue any longer. I've been dealing with weight since I can remember and I want to be done with dealing with it. I want to let myself off the hook about this too. I was thinking that I wanted to get to goal to prove that I could do it or to find success, but that wasn't really motivating me so I was confused. Today I found out that I'm really losing that drive (which is a good thing) but that getting to goal is really what will be one of the last steps to freeing myself of the "weight" I've been carrying around all my life. Getting to goal will take this final burden off my shoulders. I want to lighten the load that's been on me for so long. Just like pioneering again and seeing that I'm not up to that position has lightened the load that I've been hanging onto forever - that this was "the goal". So I think why I want to get to goal weight is to continue the lightening of the load. I want to let myself off the hook of "performing" which is what losing this weight feels like.

The "Weight" has been lifted

All of a sudden I'm back on track 100% - I mean like I was Aug '09. It feels amazing. And I wonder WHY??? I'm so about the why - I know it doesn't really matter but I think if I can understand the why I can learn from it. And all I can figure is that I messed up my time so badly in February that there is no way I can meet my commitment for the year so I now feel "off the hook". I mean it's volunteering, right? What are they going to do - fire me? But I feel so strongly to "accomplish" that now I don't feel the pressure. I erased all my hourly goals on the calendar and I've decided that giving in the ministry is important but not at the sacrifice of taking care of my health. One can say that and mean it when it means sick or not sick, but when it is so much more subtle of losing weight or getting enough sleep or taking me time so I'm not cranky - that's when it gets sketchy. That's when we tend to think - "no, serving others is more important". And it's also when we can take it too easy on ourselves so we aren't pushing. It's the pushing - pushing is good but it can be so destructive. So I'm now trying gentle pushing. Push today and rest tomorrow. What I know for sure is that I'm now focused on finishing this marathon this year and I'm finding my groove again. It feels good and freeing and liberating. Yeah!!!

March - a new beginning

So I was sick all of Feb & I took the month "off". I got a mani pedi, I didn't worry about making my time (not that I could have), I slept a lot and I didn't stress too much about food. I also started on "happy" pills which have been helping a lot. I gave in to living in the "last days" & times are difficult. I'm tired of being overwhelmed all the time. And I have to say, I'm now a believer!! Why did I fight all those years? Actually, I know why I fought - I was afraid of losing myself altogether - I was afraid of using it to zone out of life. So now that I'm not actually depressed it seems much safer - I'm not trying to "not feel" I'm just trying to cope. I feel like March is a fresh start and I'm having a better attitude towards it all. CO this week and I need the encouragement. Although I'd like another month "off" I'm excited to get back to what matters.