This is it

I'm finally back on track. It was a bumpy week to get back - I had a few mental setbacks - "Maybe I can try something else." "If I work out, I can eat more normally now." "Maybe I should be happy where I am." "Are you really going to lose 100 more lbs.?" But I told my inner doubter to shut up and that I AM going to reach my goal this time. I AM going to find a way to make this work despite my emotional trips. And I AM going to start working out more. I've now officially LOST all the weight gained on the trip - I'm back down to 247.4 (down 9.2 since 4/17) & that's great! Yesterday I got back on my treadmill and I started interval training - walk 1.5 min then jog 1 min - combined with a 5 min warm up and cool down, it comes to 30 min. and 8 min. of jogging. Thought I might die, but I succeeded and finished the whole thing. Half way through my inner doubter started up, "That's good enough - it's more than what you normally do - don't hurt yourself first day out - you aren't dressed to be this sweaty, maybe buy the right stuff and try again." Every excuse in the book to quit! I literally had to YELL "Don't stop Wendy - Finish this!!!" I was hoping no one was home. Sometimes you have to be louder than your inner doubter - that stupid voice has so much power, if we let it. But, no, I'm back in control now for a while and I will reach my next goal - 199 lbs. Date to goal is 8/10. WOOOOHOOOO! Here we go!!

I FIT

Yeah, I've already lost 6 of the 9 that I gained on vacation. I LOVE this plan! So highlights of the trip - related to losing weight. It was nice to fly without having to ask for a seat belt extension - although it was still quite snug, which made me wonder what it was like 76 lbs heavier. Funny how we blind ourselves to the reality of our body. That's why the airlines have to ASK us to buy another seat because we think we fit nicely in that little narrow space, they call a coach seat. Nice to use the bathroom & not wonder how I was going to "take care of business" - SERIOUSLY!! I wonder how people make it into the "mile high club". Me & my 6'8" husband . . . - even typing that makes me laugh out loud!! I think they should give awards to those that can accomplish that because it would be some feat!! Anyway, back to reality - I actually went down the water slide. I cried after because it was something I haven't done FOREVER and my kids were so excited that I was going with them. I was a bit scared I'd get stuck, but I made it & it was actually fun. I slept in a real bed for almost 2 weeks!! That's a HUGE thing. I did start looking for recliners to buy on Craigslist after a night in LA but Kurt convinced me it wouldn't fit in the teeny rental car we had. I finally figured out how to prop myself up & I made it for 12 days in a bed (with the occasional night in the chair) I've actually gone home early from a vacation because I can't sleep in beds - but my hips have recovered enough and my apnea is better enough that I survived. I walked all day at Disney and survived. One setback was when my son (who is 5) started crying, "I don't want Mama to go swimming with us - she's too big and I won't be able to swim around her." My other kids came to my rescue and Isaac finally agreed I would be allowed in the pool - of course, when he saw the pool, he felt a bit silly. He was probably picturing a bath tub. Anyway, I decided it wouldn't do any good to explain that Mama now weighs LESS THAN DADDY!!!! Breathe, he's just a child . . . Anyway, it was a nice vacation and even though I ate off plan quite a bit, I ate on plan A LOT more than I ever would have before - and mainly because I wanted to feel good. I love that I now know what makes me feel good and how to get there when I'm ready.

Back on Track

After eating to my heart's discontent, I only gained 9 lbs on my vacation. So Saturday I went back on plan & had a HORRIBLE headache by mid-afternoon. I figure it was my body purging all the toxins from my system. But on Sunday I was down 3 lbs & today, Monday, I'm down another 1.5 lbs. And this was eating out both nights - party & then family taking us out - ate on plan but LOTS of salty foods. So I'm happy that I've already lost 1/2 of what I gained. I'm on the right track. Now the fun begins - shopping & cooking. This is where I start to lose it - I don't like planning for meals, I don't like eating at home every day. I like eating out & feeling a bit of a reward at the end of the day. I don't like sticking to a budget. If money weren't an issue, I'd just eat out every day (like I've done for the first 20 years of marriage) - but now I'm holding my feet to the fire when it comes to money so I need to act responsibly and not just eat out because I "need a break". And eating healthfully is WAY more expensive anyway. So off to Costco I go . . .

Vacation

Our vacation is coming to its close. I've eaten whatever I felt like eating and probably have gained 10 lbs. - we'll know for sure in a few days. It's been an interesting experience analyzing my eating. Here's what I've noticed. Being on vacation with kids is like being home with kids but more work in a littler space. The time I wish I could have with my husband is taken with having the kids 24/7 so we seem to have less time together, not more - despite not having work. The feelings of being alone and ignored were heightened these couple of weeks - which led me to want to eat more. I went out and bought ice cream at 11 pm which actually made me feel like I was on vacation finally - sad, but true. Using food as comfort is frustrating when I actually know what I'm lacking but can't get to it. In the past I used food as comfort a lot when I actually wanted to sleep. I've been able to change my life enough that I actually go to sleep now instead of making myself stay awake for 3 more hours and eating for those hours in order to do so. But how do you demand attention when you're competing with kids - there is no way I can win. Well, actually there is - we called a friend with a cousin down here and we got a babysitter for the night, so THERE! I won!

So Sat I'm back on plan. I'm actually nervous but excited. My body is not happy eating "normally" again. I'm too full, I feel cranky, I don't sleep as well - I miss the feeling of being "topped off" every few hours with food and energy. I don't like the "what do I feel like eating" game that I'm playing. But I know emotionally it will be hard to make the change. But I'm excited to see results again. I will check in Sat and be honest about my weight gain - but then it's downhill until I get the last 100 off!! Excited to see 150 on the scale!

Food is food is food

There are some interesting studies coming out about the effect food has on our brains - the addictive power of food. Take this for instance, "Sugar, fat and salt make a food compelling. They stimulate neurons, cells that trigger the brain's reward system and release dopamine, a chemical that motivates our behavior and makes us want to eat more. Many of us have what's called a "bliss point", at which we get the greatest pleasure from sugar, fat or salt. Combined in the right way, they make a product indulgent, high in 'hedonic value'." The End of Overeating: Taking Control Of Our Insatiable Appetite, by David A Kessler.

When I began this new way of eating I was surprised how food that I used to crave and drive out of my way for, lost it's power. I would eat a bite of pancakes and they didn't taste good. I would eat a piece of bread & butter or bagel & cream cheese and it didn't do anything for me. I was actually depressed by this. But if it's true that my brain was seeking stimuli and I wasn't eating enough of the food to kick in the dopamine, then I would experience the food for the food itself and not for the "high" I was used to. It's like runners say they experience a "high" but I've never done it long enough to experience that so it's just torture to me. Pancakes eaten in teeny amounts are just plain doughy pieces of sponge - eaten in a big enough portion or with sugary syrup it's a feeding frenzy that makes me drive 30 minutes to consume again.

Once again I must face the fact that food is just food, it's my crazy brain that makes it what I want it to be. I actually drove out of my way to eat a salad last night - so how's that for backward??