Day 2

Not sure what's changed but I came home Wed evening & finally felt hopeful. I felt that life was going to become manageable once again. And now I've been on program for two days & I'm not feeling deprived or tempted. I'm fine. It's strange but good. I'm trying to not make plans or goals - live this day by day & decide every day to stay on plan & take the progress as it comes. I'm hopeful this time it will last & I can believe in myself again.

So how do I feel at the end of today, having overate & stuffed my poor body? I feel a failure. I feel defeated. How would I like to feel at the end of the day? I would like to feel like the victor over food. I'd like to feel the caretaker of my body. I would like to feel encouraged & lightened by the day. Those will be the goals for tomorrow.

So WAY too hungry. Also have too many things in fridge to eat. Ate leftovers. Need to clean out fridge tomorrow & have veggies cut & ready.

Made it through morning ok. Had a small craving for comfort but mainly wanted to be entertained. Very bored while in recovery. Very much have cabin fever. Am starting to daydream about comfort food being brought to me for lunch. Am doing ok so far - nothing too overwhelming. I have a nice dinner being brought tonight - that helps a lot. Onward with the day.

I'm going to use this as my motivator & sounding board for the next few days. So going to sleep & planning on being on program tomorrow but knowing Kurt would make me banana pancakes if I asked. Also know dinner is being brought tomorrow & it won't be in program so the rationale is "I'm not going to be 100% anyway - what's 1 more day off?". I am going to be on during the day, I am going to eat what makes me feel GOOD, not what I trick myself into thinking is good. I'm going to take care of myself tomorrow.

New Goal

So I just had to have knee surgery & was told that I have significant arthritis & I'd better lose weight or I'll have serious problems in the near future. Not really motivation because I have felt badly already for the past 20 years. But here is my goal. I want to get back to 239 by the end of Feb so 1) I will believe in myself & know once again that I can attain my goals 2) I will feel even more confident & 3) I will be an example for those struggling w/ their addictions. Now with this surgery I have no excuses not to exercise. Pink spandex, here I come!

Why?

Why can't I commit? Why is food so unavoidable now? Why can't I remember my "whys" for more than 1/2 a day? Why, in the moment, us that menu item worth more than health & self-esteem? I am perplexed. I can't figure this out. I'm feeling desperate again. I'm feeling as if I'm losing the war.

I will do this!

Did so-so this week. Ate out A LOT (but no carb) but am trying to stay focused on the goal. Went off Friday and Sat and then had to really think long and hard whether I wanted to get back on today but thankfully, decided to. I really don't want to give up using food as a coping mechanism. Life seems pretty overwhelming at times right now and to not use food seems beyond me - but I'm going to keep up the focus and try to cope without food. I hope to reach some great goals by summer and I'm excited about that. Wish me well!!