Where's the donuts??

I went back to full time (70 hrs/month) volunteer service in September. It's a one year commitment and on one hand it's very exciting because I haven't been healthy enough to do this for the past 16 years. On the other hand, it's a huge challenge and commitment when I work 2 jobs and have young children in the home - not even in full time school. But I thought by staying busy it would help with my eating issues. I do better when I'm busy. And it actually has helped. I am staying on program MUCH easier. But I find it interesting how mid-morning after being with people for a few hours, I crave food. Not that I don't crave food otherwise, but since I haven't been with people in cramped quarters for so long, it's been interesting to see how I'm trying to cope. It's kind of like, "This is a bit much - where's the donuts?" I have only given in once so far this month and it was totally not worth it!! Thank goodness for coffee!!

Tired

I once wrote that I didn’t believe people should say getting over food addiction is harder than other addictions. The logic that it’s harder states “we have to eat whereas alcoholics don’t have to be around alcohol” whereas my theory was that although we have to eat we don’t have to eat junk food, drive through food & sugar. But all that’s out the window. Here’s why I now see how it can be more difficult. It’s not about food addiction but emotional eating. Because I still have to eat I’m tending to not get over my emotional eating tendencies. Instead of going & buying donuts I just go out to a restaurant where I can order a salad and take care of my emotional eating in a little bit healthier way. But the problem with that is that every time I use food as comfort I am reinforcing the notion that I can’t deal with uncomfortable feelings on my own without the use of food. And when I’m uncomfortable and healthy food is not available I keep finding myself going for something carb and fat laden. I still beat myself up and still feel out of control. It’s as if an alcoholic is avoiding alcohol as a means to cope but is drinking amaretto flavored coffee syrup. Yeah it’s better and they will lead a more productive life because alcohol isn’t in the picture, but the crazy behavior is still there and the need for a way to cope hasn’t been dealt with.

Today I had a migraine and all I could do this morning was daydream about a bagel. All I wanted was a bagel. Then I thought, “maybe Kurt can bring me home something”. But I’m tired of using food as a way to cope. I’m tired of putting my goals on the back burner because I’m totally stressed right now and need to calm down. I’m tired of thinking 90 lbs down is good enough. I’m tired of being a hypocrite and eating one way in front of clients and another when I’m all alone. I’m tired of finding every excuse in the book to eat this one thing – until the next excuse comes in 12 hrs. But I’m also tired of not being able to eat when I want. I finally just cried because I wasn’t going to allow myself to eat “what I wanted” today. I know when I get to goal I will eat what I want. I will go through a whole new set of problems of learning how to eat what I want but not overdo it. But for now, I want to get to goal. I want to be done with this process and I want to quit wasting time. I’m really going to try to get back 100% for more than 2 days in a row. I want to feel in control again and if that means crying every day because I’m stressed out than whatever – that’s what waterproof mascara is for!

I've actually been doing pretty well this week. I've had a few missteps but the amazing part was that it didn't derail my whole day. I just got back and kept going. There was the Tues night "my mom is driving me to eat" event but still - got over it and got back on track. But last night I was craving something. Ate my little soft serve which was yummy but I WANTED something. So I thought - now's the time to test my theory. So Kurt gave me a great foot massage and it actually did the trick! My cravings actually went away and I made it through the night without going off plan. He says, "So great! Now I have to give you a foot massage so you won't eat??" But I said, "Normally you'd go downstairs and make whatever it is I'm craving so now you don't even have to get up!" Funny how it's easier for him to feed me than rub my feet!! :-) Oh well - all I know is that it worked.

I've also chosen to not go to a few gatherings this week because they were potlucks and I just haven't shown control yet at a potluck. Maybe in my next life, but right now humility dictates that I recognize my limits and just not put myself in harms way. I also called and changed where we're meeting family for dinner - again a buffet is not my best friend. How buffets can make gross tasting food look so tempting is beyond me! But I seem to fall for it every time. Then, of course, I feel so wasteful leaving food on my plate for them to haul away - ISSUES! So we're going where I can eat on program. Safety is a good thing - tried and tested safe places.

Okay people!! Let's keep going! We have a goal to attain. We can do this!

Make mine a double!

Every few years my husband tries to "off" me for the insurance money. He tried again today - he took us all on a 3 mile bike ride (sounds easy enough) but with some substantial hills, partly on a road (with CARS) and with two 5 year olds that JUST got their training wheels off. (These boys still "flintstone stop") The last hill while walking bikes, boys crying and cars driving by just about did me in. But then we had to walk our bikes & the boys' bikes - that was the final straw. Thankfully there was a wonderful store at the end of the upside down rainbow with yummy fresh fruit, coffee, pie and ice cream. So the question is - Is it better to have stayed home & on program? or Is it better to workout til tears and end it with pie and ice cream?

Your thoughts are welcome . . .

No turning back

It's been two months and I'm hovering near 240. I have gotten back to 239 a few times and then I go back up 5 lbs. Then I get serious and it takes me a while to get back and then I blow it again. But I began my full time volunteering again in September. It's been 16 years since I've been able to do this but by losing 90 lbs and by eating correctly on plan, I actually think I'll be able to do this. One thing making a difference is from the Habits of Health - tie the process to your fundamental beliefs. If you tie the process of eating correctly and taking care of your health and body to something that guides your daily decisions, it makes it all much easier. So a fundamental belief of mine is to give back - to volunteer - to educate others. But I'm not able to do that if I'm eating incorrectly and having "ice cream hangovers". If I eat sugar I wake up with a fever and I feel dull all day long. So I've committed this year (Sept - Aug) to giving 70 hours a month and the only way I can do that, have 3 kids and work is by eating correctly. So far, so good. I've been on plan since Monday 100% and I've had very little desire to go off because whenever it sneaks into my mind I think of how I'll feel the next day and how I NEED to function. Dr. A says a fundamental belief is Optimal Health but many people don't have that as a fundamental belief. I sure don't. If I could function with poor health, I'd eat ice cream every day. I know it doesn't make sense but neither does smoking and people do that all the time. So for me it was finding another fundamental belief that directs my daily action and tying staying on program to that. It's a very effective tool!! Let's hope I get past my 249 summer plateau and hit 199 soon!! My friend says we get to celebrate with a pizza from her new pizza oven!! Such supportive friends I have. :-)