Multiple Personality Disorder - The Many Faces of Wendy

One of the most interesting things that I discovered in my journey to losing weight is that there are many of me. (I once saw a counselor that suggested I try to remember things in my early childhood & I mentioned my concern to my friend Kim "What happens if I develop multiple personality disorder?". She calmed my fears by saying, "Wendy, do you really think you're going to allow anyone else to be in control?" Too funny!!)

But in actuality, I do have conversations in my head where I am in conflict with myself. I mentioned earlier how I would be driving for a frosty while chanting in my head, "I don't want this. . ." I just didn't understand at the time that there was a MUCH stronger voice saying, "I NEED TO HAVE THIS." Once I understood that there was another voice to be heard that was actually controlling many of my actions, I had to take time to get to know the other Wendy. In fact, it was this Wendy that was in control for the past 15 years, since I had gotten sick.

Let me back up a bit - one of my previous counselors had explained the Parent Adult Child model to me & it explained quite a bit of what had been happening. The basics of what I can remember is that we all have at least 3 voices in us - the Parent is our authorative voice. It can be either Nurturing or Critical - for me, I would hear things like, "What's wrong with you?" "Why do you keep doing this?" "Why can't you learn from your mistakes?" "Knock it off!" Then there is the Adult - this voice is like the computer that processes information and circumstances - non-judgmental, rational, logical, and can be very assertive, when tapped into. This is called our "ideal self". And then there is the Child - this voice is unaware, emotional, vulnerable, selfish, and not concerned with the outcome. In me it sounded like, "I deserve this." "I don't care." "Take care of me." "So what?" "I want a treat."

Once I heard about this model it explained so much of what I had been experiencing for so long. In my pre-marriage years my Adult (Critical Adult) had been in control - I was very ambitious, had to finish what I started, tried to take on everything & do everything, was very judgmental with myself and others, I thought of myself as a type A personality. (Do y'all remember her?) But then I got sick & I physically couldn't keep up with that voice. I tried but it was impossible so my child came out in full force. What I didn't realize is that I never developed a Nurturing Adult so the only voice I had to handle "self-care" was my child. So I did what I wanted, when I wanted and didn't do what I didn't want to do. I had a horrible time MAKING myself do anything. Not only did this effect my weight but my house was a disaster, my bills went unpaid, I had a hard time working. Believe me, living with the child in charge is not conducive to a productive grown up life. Looking back, it would have been more fun if I had travelled and bought a boat and chose to be a child in this manner, but instead I ate and slept ALL THE TIME. Not too fun really.

So I had to begin the journey of integrating the Many Faces of Wendy into a productive, softer version of my former self . . .