It's not cancer

I feel so irritated. I'm so irritated at all the people I see every day that don't have issues with food. I look at them in restaurants and get angry at their thin bodies. If they're too thin then I assume they have the same issues I have but when they're in the middle ground and eating a bagel - it really ticks me off. I'm sure alcoholics look at people in bars and hate that they can stop at one or two glasses of wine - that's how I feel about thinish people. It's time I accept that I might never have a healthy relationship with food on this side of the system. Food gives me such a high and it's such a temptation to eat. It is SOOOO mood altering. It is comforting. It is calming. Without that life seems so much harder. I feel so much more moody and depressed and I feel the weight of the world so much more acutely. Then it strikes me that I don't need to feel this way if I just went & ate. So then the internal fight begins - "Just go eat and you'll feel better" "No, you can take this, this isn't killing you - it won't kill you to be in a bad mood" "Just have Kurt go get you something - something kind of bad but not too bad" "But that won't fix the problem - without sugar the bad feelings won't go away" "You can survive this without food" "But I don't want to" And on it goes - maybe not EVERY day but at least every third day. And even when I'm in the zone and not eating off plan it's so hard to see others surrounding me eating great food with such enjoyment and I know they aren't enjoying it as much as I would be if I chose to eat it. To them it's just pizza - to me it's a FIX! So then I hate them too - or hate their non-issue with food. I HATE that I can't eat normally. I HATE that I crave food all day. I HATE that I can't stop with enough. I HATE that this will probably be part of my life forever. I think until now I thought this would go away once I lost weight - but this will never go away. I thought I'd go into maintenance like many people and learn to eat in moderation - maybe but unlikely. Do alcoholics learn to drink in moderation? I think it's time to realize that there is no moderation in my mind for now. Smokers can't smoke just on occasion - either it's good for you or it isn't. I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS. And yet - it's not cancer - it's not my childrens' health, this won't kill me - I just will wish I could die at times. Time to suck it up and do what I need to do!!!!

Now's the time

Preparation meeting the moment of opportunity. My preparation is beginning yet again. I had to get some things in order before the opportunity could present itself but now's the time.

Don't Blame Me For Your Crazy!

Interesting revelation last night. A couple of years ago I was really hurt by someone but I reacted extremely strangely (even for me) and I never was able to put a finger on why I reacted to strongly. I felt hurt and anger come up so strongly that I just sobbed and sobbed for hours. I can't remember ever feeling that way. I just chalked it up to a mixture of emotions about what had happened but I really needed my space after that. Well, yesterday a similar thing happened and a similar emotion but not as strongly. But this time I was more aware of why it was coming up. It's still a combination but it's a mixture of "Why is it always about you?", "Why is any of my good knocked out by one mistaken act?", "Don't blame me for your crazy". I tried much of my life to get good attention - but for every 5 acts of good I would get a mild response but for bad I'd get over reaction bad response. I was in fear of the bad response since I can remember. And to this day, normal acts like a phone call can be met with "What? I'm busy!" - as if I could have known that before I called. And so I guess when I'm running across the "take, take, take, anger" or "take, take, take, blame you for my crazy" now-a-days it sets me off. What's interesting is that I don't respond to everyone getting angry with me - and I'm still working out what makes the difference. But it's nice to understand where these emotions come from.

Putting it all together

Began pioneering in Sept after 16 years of waiting to pioneer again. Was raised to BE a pioneer - and immediately started getting attention in Sept. Felt like it was "about me". Let my guard down & started playing make believe again - I think we both wanted to play make believe. But it wasn't about me, it never is about me so it all came crumbling down. I started having boundaries as to what I wouldn't tolerate which gets blamed on "you're scary when you go off your diet". Then the hours went awry and the BEING a pioneer no longer felt right. Pushing myself leads to wanting to eat, either to give myself a fix to get myself through the day or as a reward the next day. Pushing myself makes me less of a mom and less of a wife.

When I had kids I re-evaluated why I went to meetings - it's no longer for me because what I wanted was to be there childless or to take a nap. Why I pioneered was to meet the goal of who I was to become and for comraderie. But now I need to re-evaluate that - it's to make it to pioneer school & round out my service again. Why I let her "in" has been hoping to get support and be "seen" and important. But now I need to accept I won't get that on this side.

I need to envision my life according to my adult agenda and my family's needs and go from there. This has been a good but painful experience but very helpful in moving past a lot of preconceived ideas.