Loss of Identity

Years ago (2003) I read the Dr. Phil book “The Ultimate Weight Solution” & I remember he asks, “What is the real issue? Why are you not choosing to lose weight?” – or something to that affect. I thought, “How am I supposed to find the answer to that question?” Subsequently, I have asked myself during this current success at weight loss, “Why now? What has changed so that you are finally doing this?” This is my thought today regarding these two questions. . .

Loss of identity. I was raised to become a pioneer – a full time minister. It was my goal from as far back as I can remember. I could explain in detail some of Daniel’s harder prophecies since I was probably 8 years old. I was baptized 2 months after turning 14, I began pioneering at 16 while still in school and working evenings. I made my time once by making 170 hrs in August – or some crazy figure - of course while still working. All of this Type A personality with a Type B body didn’t serve me well in the long run and led to my getting Chronic Fatigue, in fact, the year after that exhausting August. I didn’t know at the time that I had a Type B body. I wasn’t aware enough of the need to create my own identity with what genetics had given me verses becoming the person my parents (or parent) tried to create. I was never raised with the thinking, “As long as you’re happy.” No, happiness wasn’t the goal – full time service was the goal. And, as a parent now myself, I agree with that as a goal – I just think happiness should also be touted as a tangible goal in amongst the sentence. And it’s not that 10 years of pioneering didn’t create and aid in my happiness, but the drive it created in me ended up being damaging. Pioneering wasn’t my vocation, it was my identity. I was so disappointed when we stopped getting special cards to report our time or when everyone got free food at conventions and free literature. There was something special about being “in the club”. Now the whole “being in the club” attitude didn’t come from mom – that came from my peers. There was definitely a “pioneer until you die” attitude that was encouraged and stopping was very much discouraged. After I got sick I started resenting the parts on the conventions that told of people pioneering through cancer or while having HORRIBLE life situations. I thought, “I wish they would have more parts of people that quit pioneering because of those situations that were able to go back to it years later.” After I got sick, instead of admiring those that had never quit pioneering, I began to admire those that quit because their kids needed them for a year or two or quit to help their ailing parents but then went back to it after a few years. I thought, that appears to be so much more balanced and such a better goal to strive after.

So I quit pioneering in 1994, 3 years after getting C.F. and I basically went to bed waiting to recover. We opened a business that year which failed miserably and that led to several years of recovery and therapy. And then we finally paid off all debts in ’99 and almost immediately had to move in with my ailing grandmother, where we stayed for several years. Basically, life just continued to happen, as it does for most people. But I was used to being goal driven. My goal was to return to pioneering. Every year I would sit and evaluate when I could go back. But trying to even auxiliary pioneer would put me back in bed for weeks. We were able to go to Mexico Bethel in November and December, 2000. We came home and decided to move to Spanish in February 2001, the same month I had a miscarriage of triplets. And so learning Spanish was the goal for these many years – but I still didn’t have an identity. We had Emily in 2002 but it was really having the boys in 2005 when things began to shift for me.

I so resented having twins. I cried and cried for months when I found out I was having twins. I didn’t want more kids after Emily. I was so sick that first year after Emily’s birth that I just couldn’t fathom having more kids. I felt that she was near perfect and yet I barely could handle her, how could I handle more. But Kurt was determined that having an only child wasn’t right and he really wanted a boy so I “gave in” and agreed for one more. But I was right – I certainly couldn’t handle it and then I had twins to boot! The day I found out I was having twins I called Kurt and he was instant messaging a friend. So he immediately I.M. his friend who responded “No offense, but Wendy can’t handle twins” – even Kurt’s friends knew I wasn’t cut out for it. Of course, I later saw that it was a blessing because it made it “okay” to have help and a live in nanny. It made it more “acceptable” to go into debt for years because I was so sick I couldn’t take care of one baby, let alone two.

But having the boys has helped me do a few things – I have an identity now. After Emily was born I kept waiting for her mom to come pick her up. Even when she was two I said to Kurt, “Look, she’s still here.” It was the strangest feeling. I have always felt more of a big sister to Emily than her mom. I’m always fascinated by her and in awe of her but in no way do I feel “ownership” of her – like I’m her mother. But I feel differently towards the boys for some reason. Probably because I worried about them so much more during pregnancy, directly after pregnancy with their medical complications, and even now with their small little issues they have. I have always felt that Emily will grow up to be an amazing woman – with or without me. She just has something about her that is special and unique. But the boys seem to need me more. And I think that having them has 1) helped me find an identity 2) helped me give up the “drive” and “controlling” spirit – because of being so sick for so many years but also because having twins will make you do that (Side point – I was in service one day with a young girl that was so self-righteous and knew it all that I left her that day with the blessing, “I wish for you twins or triplets in your future so you can become the loving adult you’re destined to become.”) and 3) having such a breakdown after having the boys – both physically and emotionally – has helped me finally focus on myself and get the help I needed which then has helped me become more like the person I’ve always wanted to become.

And the other huge gift that I’ve been given in the past year is two amazing, progressive studies. I haven’t had this satisfaction in SOOOO many years and it’s been a real gift. This has helped me balance my past identity of a pioneer with my “mom” identity and has helped me feel more balanced and rounded as a person.

The trigger to this thought process was this quote I just read, “An oak tree is brought into creation by two forces at the same time. Obviously, there is the acorn from which it all begins . . . But also from another force operating as well – the future tree itself, which wants so badly to exist that it pulls the acorn into being . . . In this respect it is the oak tree that creates the very acorn from which it was born.” Although more Zen-like thinking that I subscribe to, it did make me think – I believe that there was a better Me wanting very much to come out – that’s a lot what this losing weight is about for me. Becoming the better version of Wendy and being a person that I can believe in and admire – and I feel like it’s this force that has drawn me from where I was to where I am now heading. Who knew, I am an oak tree (take that Katharine Hepburn).