I'm a Who

So I'll preface this by saying that's it's been since April 2008 that I've been so sick but I thought I'd share my experience. I'm not usually a very "feel sorry for myself" kind of gal. I know there are MANY that have it harder than me so why wallow in self-pity. And even those that might not have cancer or debilitating disease, might have a sucky attitude and negative spirit - so they still have it worse than me. But the one thing that will always get me to sing the "poor me" blues is a hefty bout of chronic fatigue. I will also add that I have often said that if I had to choose an illness I would choose chronic fatigue, so even in that, I try to keep a glass half full attitude. But how my chronic fatigue shows itself is basically a total breakdown of immune system. I get the normal bug that’s going around and then it becomes worse and worse until it eventually turns into pneumonia or a sinus infection or strep throat. It finally goes away after about 6 or 7 weeks and then I’m fine for about 3 weeks and then I get another bug and the cycle repeats itself. During the first 3 years after the boys were born I was sick in bed and in need of antibiotics about 7 months out of every year. After Emily was born I had strep throat 3 times during the first year – but it never turned into full out chronic fatigue. Other symptoms of C.F. are a low grade fever all the time. I’d drive home from every meeting having a fever – too much stress with all the kids. And I usually have gross nightmares with C.F. Mine usually is bloody horrible car crashes on the freeway with family members being run over by semis. Nice, huh? I only have those when I’ve been sick for a while. But I’ve talked with others with C.F. and they also have horrible nightmares. Not sure how that fits into things. I usually do okay at first by thinking that this can’t last forever – it will either fade or I’ll die – so in either case, I will be done with this eventually. But the last time I found a wonderful coping tool.

So I’m sitting in my chair crying and feeling sorry for myself, seeing that I’m sick again for the hundredth time in 3 years. But we had just seen Horton Hears a Who and I’m thinking to myself, “Happiness is a choice. It isn’t dependant of your circumstances or your physical self. It’s a choice. Happiness is available to you right now – you just have to choose to find it in your circumstance and latch on.” So I just kept repeating to myself, “Contentment and happiness is available to you right now, if you choose to have it.” Over and over. And then I had the vision – I’m a Who. I am merely a traveler of this world on a floating clover and I have no control where the clover goes. It goes in and out of circumstances and for each of us it travels a different direction. For me it has been floating amongst sickness but I am not the clover. I needed to quit defining myself as my sickness but rather see it as a temporary wallpaper of my life. Life is nothing if not constantly in flux. My clover would not always be amongst sickness, and the truth is, this might be a welcome change compared to where it will float in the future. So I really had a defining “out of body” experience in that I began to be able to see myself as apart from my sick body and I was actually able to find some peace amongst the illness.

I’m not sure if this attitude change helped me finally snap out of the illness or if my wonderful nose lavage with colloidal silver made the difference but basically, I got healthier and haven’t been in that state now for almost 2 years. I’ve always found it a fascinating human study how people in horrible situations (not me, I mean horrible situations) can be so upbeat and focus on what’s wonderful while others with health and family can find life so troubling and depressing. I’m sure a lot of it is hormones and genetics but it’s probably also what we choose to concentrate on. Someone was complaining about something, I can’t remember what it was now and they turned to me and asked my opinion – and always one with an opinion to give, I said, “I think your life must be wonderful seeing that this is what you have the time and energy to complain about!”