Why so glum?

I often wonder why this time around on my journey is so much different the first time. I started the program the end of '09 and my life was absolutely unrecognizable. Our nanny of three and half years had just moved out. Our finances were in the process of controlled collapse. Physically, I was at an absolute low and I was trying to recover. The only thing I had any control over is what I put in my mouth and I truly felt like I had nothing at all to lose. Staying on program actually gave me a sense of control and something to shoot for every day and as I lost weight it became my one & only beacon of hope. This time around feels much different. My family is much more independent. Everyone is self-sufficient most of the day and my sense of loneliness is very acute throughout the day. Through the process of losing weight and changing lifestyles, many of my friends are not to be found as much. Now-a-days food is a constant companion during the day. And going through a day without a lunch or food experience to look forward to makes me feel like there's nothing to look forward to the whole day. I don't know how to change this. I think I need to sit with the feelings & try to imagine how I want my life to look. Right now it feels like a lose, lose. Eat & feel numb but stay heavy or stick to 5&1 & feel depressed. I assume when I begin losing weight consistently my attitude will change - but I'm not there yet. 

All In?

The concept of “All In” has gotten me depressed. What am I all in about? I’m not all in when it comes to my health, I’m not all in when it comes to my work, I’m not all in when it comes to my spirituality, I’m not all in when it comes to my marriage. I have definitely settled for mediocre in these areas. I am all in when it comes to my kids & when it comes to my relationship with food – these are the two areas that I give my all. And only one of those serves me. So what do I want to change? What am I willing to change? What will it take to change? One reason why TSFL program worked the first time is because of eating “what I felt like eating” I ate a meal-replacement – something that wasn’t horrible but not comfort food. I’ve gotten to the point where I might not eat comfort food (pizza, ice cream, tortillas, nachos) but I’ll still go for “real” food instead of a MR – like nuts or cheese or Greek yogurt. But these don’t do the same thing – they are too high in calories, I usually eat too much which puts me over my carb limit for the day & overall it doesn’t do the job of changing my relationship with food. That’s the key – change my relationship with food. I still want to go to food to feel better. Eating a MR does the job but doesn’t necessarily make me feel better emotionally. So to be all in with my health (emotional & physical) I think I need to 1) Go back to MR during the day 2) exercise 3 times a week 3) drink my water 4) get off pop. These 4 things are the areas that I am doing horrible at lately & that will make a tremendous difference. So from today on I will commit to these 4 things.

To bite or not to bite . . .

So as I sat at lunch staring at the strawberry shortcake I thought of how much I still romanticize food. I had planned on not having a bite but when I saw it I felt I had to at least try it. And then when I tried it it was too sweet which then made it easier not to eat any more of it. But then I go back and think "see you shouldn't of even had a bite". But then I think "if you didn't have a bite you wouldn't know that you didn't like it and then it would've just felt like you had missed out". So the question is - is it better to have a bite and choose not to eat anymore or is it better to not eat a bite and deal with the feelings of deprivation?

Back to Blogging

Just dropped off the kids with grandma and having an immense Hallmark food moment craving. It feels like such a waste not to go use this time to have a beautiful breakfast with hot coffee in peace. It's not that I'm hungry it just feels like a waste of an opportunity. I call it a Hallmark food moment. Here's the other story I tell myself - I'll work better if I sit down with coffee and a snack and I get myself all laid out at a restaurant or in a café and it'll be so much easier to work. I wait for food to give me the endorphin rush to become motivated to work.

BL Contest

So I've been in a torturous rut for a year. I have been on/off program about 100 times & I keep thinking I'll figure this out. I don't blog because I'm sick of hearing myself say the same things. But tonight I re-read the beginning of my blog & I'm so impressed with how ON PROGRAM I was. I had such dedication to my health & my journey & I wasn't going to blow it.

I began a Biggest Loser contest locally and I have had 103 people sign up so far - and this is just with about a month of publicity. WOW! So in two days I have to go stand up in front of a bunch of people & talk a little about my journey. I know that in the three months this runs I should be the biggest loser - will I be? I'm feeling a lot of responsibility to do this - to perform - to be an example of this wonderful program.

There have been two entries in this blog that I won't post but that outline the struggle I have with my eating needs vs. my family's wants & I'm going to have to work this out - even tonight I gave in. I am going to have to be firm & grumpy & do what I have to do to take care of myself. At least I don't have family members bringing home donuts - that would be awful but this isn't easy either. Anyway, I'm back online & I will be posting a lot during the next three months - I need to clear my head & remember what's important!!

Bored

Bored. I have exchanged one rut for a better but equal ruttiness rut. I was hoping for something different - like I'd love exercise & go for a walk every day or work out at the gym but instead I sit here in my chair & tap away at my computer. I coach people how to stay away from foods as my husband goes to Taco Bell & brings me home junk. I feel groggy & gross from the days' food. I tell myself I'm doing better because I'm staying away from sugar - which is better - it means I'm not sick all the time. But junk food & carb overload still makes me feel lethargic, large & pointless. What is the point? That is the question. What am I going to spend my time on during my days on earth? I barely go do my volunteer work, I'm not taking care of my health, I'm watching people get ill & die & tell myself "will it take cancer for me to finally eat healthfully?" I'm tired of sitting here waiting for something to happen bad enough for me to do something. Why will it take something bad for me to act? Why am I not acting now? Why am I not acting on my own behalf? Please act, please get this done, please finish this race!!!

Judgement

So I sit in judgement of someone that says she wants change - her life depends on that change - she has spent countless years trying to will the change to occur & yet, no change. Instead she continues the same patterns again & again. I do my best to illicit emotion strong enough to affect different behavior. I get angry with her to try to awaken her own passion. I cut off contact to try to help her feel her own self-inflicted isolation. But nothing helps. She is stuck in a rut of discomfort.

Six months pass & I am still struggling with my own behaviors. And it strikes me how much she & I have in common. How am I not like her? I am beginning to understand how our mind shuts off the will to change. Every day I have moments of urges saying, "This can't continue" "Tomorrow things need to change" "When school starts I will get serious". But then the stressors start and the will wanes and I'm back to my self-destructive behaviors. It's hard to fight the fight. It's more exhausting when we're not really fighting. I once told someone that told me how hard it was to keep "fighting" that she would find it easier to get into the rescue boat if she would put both legs in. When you continue to drag one leg in the water it IS hard.

So the question is: How do we remain committed to the fight day after day? Forget day after day - from morning til night? By night time I've lost it already. Both legs into the boat!! No more excuses. No more rationalizing!! No more small variances!! Both legs into the boat!!