Bored

Bored. I have exchanged one rut for a better but equal ruttiness rut. I was hoping for something different - like I'd love exercise & go for a walk every day or work out at the gym but instead I sit here in my chair & tap away at my computer. I coach people how to stay away from foods as my husband goes to Taco Bell & brings me home junk. I feel groggy & gross from the days' food. I tell myself I'm doing better because I'm staying away from sugar - which is better - it means I'm not sick all the time. But junk food & carb overload still makes me feel lethargic, large & pointless. What is the point? That is the question. What am I going to spend my time on during my days on earth? I barely go do my volunteer work, I'm not taking care of my health, I'm watching people get ill & die & tell myself "will it take cancer for me to finally eat healthfully?" I'm tired of sitting here waiting for something to happen bad enough for me to do something. Why will it take something bad for me to act? Why am I not acting now? Why am I not acting on my own behalf? Please act, please get this done, please finish this race!!!

Judgement

So I sit in judgement of someone that says she wants change - her life depends on that change - she has spent countless years trying to will the change to occur & yet, no change. Instead she continues the same patterns again & again. I do my best to illicit emotion strong enough to affect different behavior. I get angry with her to try to awaken her own passion. I cut off contact to try to help her feel her own self-inflicted isolation. But nothing helps. She is stuck in a rut of discomfort.

Six months pass & I am still struggling with my own behaviors. And it strikes me how much she & I have in common. How am I not like her? I am beginning to understand how our mind shuts off the will to change. Every day I have moments of urges saying, "This can't continue" "Tomorrow things need to change" "When school starts I will get serious". But then the stressors start and the will wanes and I'm back to my self-destructive behaviors. It's hard to fight the fight. It's more exhausting when we're not really fighting. I once told someone that told me how hard it was to keep "fighting" that she would find it easier to get into the rescue boat if she would put both legs in. When you continue to drag one leg in the water it IS hard.

So the question is: How do we remain committed to the fight day after day? Forget day after day - from morning til night? By night time I've lost it already. Both legs into the boat!! No more excuses. No more rationalizing!! No more small variances!! Both legs into the boat!!

Fri 8/5/11

I am on plan today by default - Kurt wouldn't bring me lunch & so I've eaten a shake, a yogurt, a bar & some nuts. Not "on plan" but off carbs & junk. I super want to get thin but I want food. It's really hard to not eat yummy food throughout the day. I am hoping that Sept brings me some more alone time so I'm not so amped up to eat. We'll see. I also think once I'm on plan for a month I want to add a lot more exercise so I can get into more of a routine. I want to quit 24 HR but then again I think I need to wait until Sept.

Keeping up the fight

So lots going on & I've thought many times what I wanted to say - it's hard to not get bored with one's fight. I'm certainly MUCH improved though. I have less inclination to really destroy myself with awful foods. I still binge a bit when I go off plan but I do get back on pretty quickly. I enjoy feeling well and I focus on that when I'm tempted to go off. If I can make myself remember how I'll feel tomorrow or tonight with the heartburn it's much easier to take care of myself. I also think of how good I will feel when I can be done with the loss phase and get to the maintenance. So on goes the fight!

7 Days On

It's been 7 days & I seem to be on this time. I've had about 200 false starts but since I had to quit pioneering (due to the car accidents of children!) I seem to be able to handle being on program and I'm doing really well. I'm feeling better and I'm not having ANY cravings, which is always GREAT! Having the stress of pushing myself over the past few months has made me understand my clients that say "this is SOOOOO hard!". I would hear them & think - this is the easiest program I've ever done! But now I understand - it's not the program that's hard, it's the denying yourself comfort food when you are already pushed to your limit. Something has to give and most of us aren't going to give up our "duty" to others so we give up on taking care of ourselves. But when we're not able to give ourselves what we need (a 1/2 hour of silence, a nap mid-day, a night out alone with a spouse, a weekend with friends) then we turn to food to cope. Food would give me the "strength" needed to continue pushing myself. Obviously, it's all a lose-lose proposition. If we are pushing ourselves that hard, we aren't giving in the right spirit either. I don't know the solution though. Our society and our attitudes is to push and when we see people "taking care of themselves" we often judge and say, "Well why can't they (fill in the blank)? They don't have to work. OR They don't have kids. OR They make enough money to do that." I hate that I felt it was pioneering or lose weight - but the truth is - it was. Not gain weight, but I just couldn't LOSE weight and make those daily sacrifices. So it's good that I went through the experience so I better understand my clients' struggle.

It's not cancer

I feel so irritated. I'm so irritated at all the people I see every day that don't have issues with food. I look at them in restaurants and get angry at their thin bodies. If they're too thin then I assume they have the same issues I have but when they're in the middle ground and eating a bagel - it really ticks me off. I'm sure alcoholics look at people in bars and hate that they can stop at one or two glasses of wine - that's how I feel about thinish people. It's time I accept that I might never have a healthy relationship with food on this side of the system. Food gives me such a high and it's such a temptation to eat. It is SOOOO mood altering. It is comforting. It is calming. Without that life seems so much harder. I feel so much more moody and depressed and I feel the weight of the world so much more acutely. Then it strikes me that I don't need to feel this way if I just went & ate. So then the internal fight begins - "Just go eat and you'll feel better" "No, you can take this, this isn't killing you - it won't kill you to be in a bad mood" "Just have Kurt go get you something - something kind of bad but not too bad" "But that won't fix the problem - without sugar the bad feelings won't go away" "You can survive this without food" "But I don't want to" And on it goes - maybe not EVERY day but at least every third day. And even when I'm in the zone and not eating off plan it's so hard to see others surrounding me eating great food with such enjoyment and I know they aren't enjoying it as much as I would be if I chose to eat it. To them it's just pizza - to me it's a FIX! So then I hate them too - or hate their non-issue with food. I HATE that I can't eat normally. I HATE that I crave food all day. I HATE that I can't stop with enough. I HATE that this will probably be part of my life forever. I think until now I thought this would go away once I lost weight - but this will never go away. I thought I'd go into maintenance like many people and learn to eat in moderation - maybe but unlikely. Do alcoholics learn to drink in moderation? I think it's time to realize that there is no moderation in my mind for now. Smokers can't smoke just on occasion - either it's good for you or it isn't. I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS. And yet - it's not cancer - it's not my childrens' health, this won't kill me - I just will wish I could die at times. Time to suck it up and do what I need to do!!!!

Now's the time

Preparation meeting the moment of opportunity. My preparation is beginning yet again. I had to get some things in order before the opportunity could present itself but now's the time.