It's not cancer

I feel so irritated. I'm so irritated at all the people I see every day that don't have issues with food. I look at them in restaurants and get angry at their thin bodies. If they're too thin then I assume they have the same issues I have but when they're in the middle ground and eating a bagel - it really ticks me off. I'm sure alcoholics look at people in bars and hate that they can stop at one or two glasses of wine - that's how I feel about thinish people. It's time I accept that I might never have a healthy relationship with food on this side of the system. Food gives me such a high and it's such a temptation to eat. It is SOOOO mood altering. It is comforting. It is calming. Without that life seems so much harder. I feel so much more moody and depressed and I feel the weight of the world so much more acutely. Then it strikes me that I don't need to feel this way if I just went & ate. So then the internal fight begins - "Just go eat and you'll feel better" "No, you can take this, this isn't killing you - it won't kill you to be in a bad mood" "Just have Kurt go get you something - something kind of bad but not too bad" "But that won't fix the problem - without sugar the bad feelings won't go away" "You can survive this without food" "But I don't want to" And on it goes - maybe not EVERY day but at least every third day. And even when I'm in the zone and not eating off plan it's so hard to see others surrounding me eating great food with such enjoyment and I know they aren't enjoying it as much as I would be if I chose to eat it. To them it's just pizza - to me it's a FIX! So then I hate them too - or hate their non-issue with food. I HATE that I can't eat normally. I HATE that I crave food all day. I HATE that I can't stop with enough. I HATE that this will probably be part of my life forever. I think until now I thought this would go away once I lost weight - but this will never go away. I thought I'd go into maintenance like many people and learn to eat in moderation - maybe but unlikely. Do alcoholics learn to drink in moderation? I think it's time to realize that there is no moderation in my mind for now. Smokers can't smoke just on occasion - either it's good for you or it isn't. I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS. And yet - it's not cancer - it's not my childrens' health, this won't kill me - I just will wish I could die at times. Time to suck it up and do what I need to do!!!!

Now's the time

Preparation meeting the moment of opportunity. My preparation is beginning yet again. I had to get some things in order before the opportunity could present itself but now's the time.

Don't Blame Me For Your Crazy!

Interesting revelation last night. A couple of years ago I was really hurt by someone but I reacted extremely strangely (even for me) and I never was able to put a finger on why I reacted to strongly. I felt hurt and anger come up so strongly that I just sobbed and sobbed for hours. I can't remember ever feeling that way. I just chalked it up to a mixture of emotions about what had happened but I really needed my space after that. Well, yesterday a similar thing happened and a similar emotion but not as strongly. But this time I was more aware of why it was coming up. It's still a combination but it's a mixture of "Why is it always about you?", "Why is any of my good knocked out by one mistaken act?", "Don't blame me for your crazy". I tried much of my life to get good attention - but for every 5 acts of good I would get a mild response but for bad I'd get over reaction bad response. I was in fear of the bad response since I can remember. And to this day, normal acts like a phone call can be met with "What? I'm busy!" - as if I could have known that before I called. And so I guess when I'm running across the "take, take, take, anger" or "take, take, take, blame you for my crazy" now-a-days it sets me off. What's interesting is that I don't respond to everyone getting angry with me - and I'm still working out what makes the difference. But it's nice to understand where these emotions come from.

Putting it all together

Began pioneering in Sept after 16 years of waiting to pioneer again. Was raised to BE a pioneer - and immediately started getting attention in Sept. Felt like it was "about me". Let my guard down & started playing make believe again - I think we both wanted to play make believe. But it wasn't about me, it never is about me so it all came crumbling down. I started having boundaries as to what I wouldn't tolerate which gets blamed on "you're scary when you go off your diet". Then the hours went awry and the BEING a pioneer no longer felt right. Pushing myself leads to wanting to eat, either to give myself a fix to get myself through the day or as a reward the next day. Pushing myself makes me less of a mom and less of a wife.

When I had kids I re-evaluated why I went to meetings - it's no longer for me because what I wanted was to be there childless or to take a nap. Why I pioneered was to meet the goal of who I was to become and for comraderie. But now I need to re-evaluate that - it's to make it to pioneer school & round out my service again. Why I let her "in" has been hoping to get support and be "seen" and important. But now I need to accept I won't get that on this side.

I need to envision my life according to my adult agenda and my family's needs and go from there. This has been a good but painful experience but very helpful in moving past a lot of preconceived ideas.

Doing well

Back on now - have a few clients back on too, which helps. I've gained 30 lbs and I'm done feeling bad about myself and how I eat. The other day I was sitting at night and wondering why I lose my resolve half way through the day and it came to me that I disappear throughout the day. I slowly lose myself and accomplishing becomes the important task at hand. I had gone through Taco Bell, even though I was trying to talk myself out of it all the way through, and sat and ate burritos and as I was it dawned on me that I didn't want Taco Bell, I wanted to sit for 15 min before heading home. So I'm committed to not disappearing - I need to stay present and continue to fight for myself and what I need. For example yesterday, my 9 hr day in service, I was fading around 2: and really wanted to eat - so I went to a salad bar and got food I could eat and stayed on track. Then I didn't push myself to be social and talk for about an hour - I just needed to regain strength. And then lying in bed last night I was wanting to "reward" myself by eating today but instead I slept in and took care of myself that way. I really need to stop pushing so hard and take time out in the day to recoup.

Costco Run

I went to Costco on Sunday & bought TONS of groceries - strawberries, yummy crusty bread, granola, apple turnovers, healthy good stuff too and have thoroughly let myself off the hook this week. I'm committed to eat at home for the rest of the month & eat yummy home cooked meals - not grilled cheese every night. I want to use up the food in the pantry and remember how to cook. My eating out has definitely gotten out of control and I don't even enjoy it anymore (more or less). So I'm happy to be eating at home. And now I'm becoming more clear about what I'm doing - I decided that no matter how much I don't want to work right now, one reason for my success is actually being embroiled in the TSFL training and family. And one way to give myself daily reminders is to give my clients reminders. So I'm going to start being a health coach again and start reminding myself of the reasons for not giving up. This time it will be less about the money, even though it wasn't really about the money the first time, but about living in the best way for me and teaching others to do the same. If you found out that gluten free made you feel better then every time you heard someone complain about your same symptoms you would preach the benefit of gluten free - and that's how I feel (not to mention many products are gluten free - so how about that!) But seeing others being plagued with the same health issues I have and knowing that this could help is my catalyst to being an example and giving out cards. I really really really would like to do this with someone though. I feel a little lost at sea doing it by myself. Of course, I'm not by myself, but I'd be more comfortable being with a friend through this - so if any of you want to help others become more healthy, let me know. I'm still giving myself some time to be "off the hook" but it's not crazy "off the hook", it's just not 100% yet.

Lightening the load by lightening the load

So here was the breakthrough for today - I've been striving after "success" since I was aware enough that I wasn't considered "enough" as I was. So maybe it started around age 12 - and since then success has been the goal - started pioneering at 16 while in school and working at night. Then I strove for success at jobs. It was more a proof for myself that I can do it, not outward recognition. But then after getting sick I've been slowly letting myself off the hook from success - I've been trying to have the drive but I always lose it at some point. It's been hard to quit jobs that I was finding success in but I'm trying to be enough as I am. The thing is, when it comes to weight, I am not happy with being okay with how I am at this weight. I really wish I was - but I want myself back. I want weight to not be an issue any longer. I've been dealing with weight since I can remember and I want to be done with dealing with it. I want to let myself off the hook about this too. I was thinking that I wanted to get to goal to prove that I could do it or to find success, but that wasn't really motivating me so I was confused. Today I found out that I'm really losing that drive (which is a good thing) but that getting to goal is really what will be one of the last steps to freeing myself of the "weight" I've been carrying around all my life. Getting to goal will take this final burden off my shoulders. I want to lighten the load that's been on me for so long. Just like pioneering again and seeing that I'm not up to that position has lightened the load that I've been hanging onto forever - that this was "the goal". So I think why I want to get to goal weight is to continue the lightening of the load. I want to let myself off the hook of "performing" which is what losing this weight feels like.