Why?

Why can't I commit? Why is food so unavoidable now? Why can't I remember my "whys" for more than 1/2 a day? Why, in the moment, us that menu item worth more than health & self-esteem? I am perplexed. I can't figure this out. I'm feeling desperate again. I'm feeling as if I'm losing the war.

I will do this!

Did so-so this week. Ate out A LOT (but no carb) but am trying to stay focused on the goal. Went off Friday and Sat and then had to really think long and hard whether I wanted to get back on today but thankfully, decided to. I really don't want to give up using food as a coping mechanism. Life seems pretty overwhelming at times right now and to not use food seems beyond me - but I'm going to keep up the focus and try to cope without food. I hope to reach some great goals by summer and I'm excited about that. Wish me well!!

Yet again

Yet again, I am re-committing to the process. I hate to keep posting that I'm back on because I've fallen off about 20 times since April but at least I keep trying to figure out how to stay on for the long haul. I do feel different this time though. I have cleaned out my supplies and only kept what I will actually eat, I am in the process of "quitting" my job or at least taking a year off so I can focus on what's important and I am cleaning out the house & trying to make life more simplified. I'm also being more aware of my romanticizing food. I'm like a "love addict" when it comes to food - I keep going back to the nachos just in case this time I find true love!! Oh well - I'll keep you posted as to how it's going.

Movie night in my world

I had another "episode" a couple of nights ago. I've decided to call them episodes. It's when I tap into the deep deep pain I've been carrying since I can remember. I have at times thought it was depression. In adolescence I was "there" most of the time and it fueled my suicidal fantasies. I remember thinking as a child "when will this feeling go away finally?" But the other day it took me by surprise. I haven't been depressed and I was home alone watching a movie and as I began crying at a sad scene from the movie I started going "there". The sobbing, the pain, the terror. I hadn't been "there" for a long time and I turned the movie off and spent some time feeling what I was feeling. What I was feeling was extreme fear and aloneness. What was coming up was being abused as a very small child by a neighbor. This has come up a few times over the past 20 years but the other night so many things fell into place. All those years having this feeling come up. Being active and busy helped my "feeling down" so I've busied myself since the age of 16. When I have moments of stillness or a lack of focus is when I seem to have these feelings surface. No wonder I can't stop. No wonder I'm so scared of giving up the quest. And no wonder I eat. I feel so sorry for that little girl that lived through that. I feel so sorry that for most of her life she was manifesting that abuse in so many ways and misunderstood by peers and parents and continued to be sent out into the world without protection. I'm so grateful that I haven't given up on her or stopped believing what she could become. I want to still my life to the point that she can surface again in a place of safety and love and not have to eat to keep the feelings from surfacing. I don't need to be afraid of the feelings. They are real and I'm strong enough to handle them now.

Putting on new glasses

For full disclosure, I've gained a total of 22 lbs from my low of 239. Yes, I'm bummed about that - it seems like A LOT!! Well, it is a lot. It's harder to walk & function & move. But, on the other hand, November was a big month in regrouping. I've had many decisions to face and things hit me from all sides. I've had to take some time remembering what I stand for and what's really important to me. I've had to fight with my inclinations and standard mind set. Life is all about which glasses you choose to see out of. So I'm replacing them once again and trying out a new set.

One thing that has been difficult is letting go of ideas and dreams. I watched the Beyonce tour last night and she was crying saying - Why did God give her such a life and such gifts. She was living her dream. And it made me think that I have an amazing life but it's been hard to enjoy it at times because it wasn't my "dream". I feel I'm living someone else's perfect life but I feel so out of place at times. And yet, nothing is really wrong with it. I had these visions of what I would be when I grew up and how I would feel and be and this has all been a journey to accepting where I am without judgment and loving the life I've been given. It's not about NOT loving it, it's about letting go of the fantasy. The reality is, if I really wanted that other life I would have created it for myself. There was nothing with that life that was really out of reach, it was actually more work than I wanted and it was sometimes based on things I didn't really value - like success or money. So on with today and being back on. I've begun working with my new counselor and I'm finishing the book she recommended - "The Happiness Trap" by Dr. Russ Harris. I'm excited to see how December works for me!!

Fighting the good fight

So I'm working through the issues once again. I'm down 3+ lbs and I'm allowing food thoughts to come and go in my head without being hooked into them. I had a serious talk with Kurt about not bringing me junk and how truly destructive it is to have said junk hand delivered to me each night. Really not helpful nor loving. I found a local counselor to work with for a few months to help me get back on track. It's not about losing my way as much as feeling spun around like a top and then asked to walk a straight line. I feel as if I don't know if I'm coming or going so it's hard to be clear about goals and wants and desires when I'm not sure what life looks like every 5 minutes. Parents of young children can relate - it's a crazy life right now - too many schedules to track and too many demands. It's hard to keep myself in the mix at all times - it feels impossible at times to make my health a priority but then I think how life will truly be messed up if I get sick again - so on with the fight. It's truly a fight, but one that I know I can win if I don't give up!

Losing the Battle

I'm back to my old behavior. I'm thoroughly off plan. I'm eating out several times a day - I'm eating almost whatever I want. I've taken on a lot so I have to remain functional which means I can't eat sugar as much as I would like but I still eat it in the manageable amounts. I eat at night until I'm uncomfortably full, until I get a headache, until I beg to throw up and I want to burst or cry or both. My husband went "on plan" & has lost however much weight he has lost but because he's 6'8" he already was thin so it's just rubbing salt in my wounds. No, what really rubs salt in my wounds is that he pronounces his new low number every few days and then brings me the requested junk food (even going out to buy it for me) hand delivered to my comfy chaise lounge and then goes off to his computer to unwind. He's done his loving duty for the day by appeasing me with junk food as he continues to lose weight. Because I HATE being competitive, my natural instinct is to roll over and that's what I've done. I have rolled over. I'm not going to compete with him - even though he isn't necessarily trying to compete with me. He's just a man and isn't thinking about his actions. I have to get mad again. I have to hate him again so I don't ask him for anything and I don't ask him to bring me food. That's what happened the first time - I began to hate him and hate the hand he was having in my gaining weight. It's like us both being alcoholics and I quit for a while so he wants in on the action and adulation so he quits and then brings me wine every evening. Is it really without malice? Really? No way to prove it either way, is there? I'm miserable again. I'm up to 255 which is within striking distance but it feels like such a setback. I need help and I'm not sure where to get it. I'm miserable.