Skinny like me

Skinny people!! I'll tell ya - they are just not at all in touch with reality. Okay, let me clarify - naturally skinny people. Those with food disorders are me in smaller clothes - but my wonderfully skinny Pilates instructor keeps going on about "diets" and what's so wrong with them and lumps in Medifast with the rest. I, of course, come to M's defense - how dare you disparage the salvation of my thighs!! But she says, "I just don't understand why people don't just eat healthy, natural food! Eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full!" What a concept!! She should write a book! I say, "Go into Costco & see how many people look like you and how many people look like me & then we'll talk." She then says, "Tell me, how many times do you eat every day." I say, "6" She, "Now you see - there's NO WAY I could eat 6 times a day. I usually eat 2 times a day." Again - how many people look like you & how many people look like me??? She eats 2 meals a day (sometimes the 2nd meal is an artichoke - that's my pre-meal!) and does Pilates/Yoga 4 hrs a day. They own a wine shop so she also gets to drink wine every night. This is as natural to find in nature as Halley's comet! I mean, I know it exists, but don't think you'll see it again for another 75 years!! I'll go back to what I said a while ago, asking people with warped relationships with food to eat when they're hungry and stop when they're full is as foreign as a concept as an "honest politician", "monogamous Frenchman", "straight anti-gay activist". I, personally, need a plan - a well-researched, proven method to kick start my metabolism, help me not obsess about food and help me not be starving all day long plan. Do I wish I could workout 4 hrs a day, only want to eat twice a day & drink all the wine I want & be a size 2? Hmmmm, only if I could still be me, I guess - and we all know that's just not how I roll.

Ah yes - MUSIC

I've been plugging into Pandora using my bluetooth wireless headphones. And I'm RELAXED!! WOW!!! I forgot what a difference zoning out to music makes. Remember laying in bed as a kid w/ the music turned up and the problems would melt away? - at least for me they did. But having music on in the car with the kids' chatter just isn't relaxing. So I've been coming home and plugging in and I actually feel my body relax and I start to breathe again. Not only do I relax, but I zone out - I stop thinking. I feel suspended. Life ceases to have movement. It's been great and what I've been needing!! I've been in the habit of being stressed for the sake of being stressed. I am without work right now (I have work when someone calls so I can go a couple of months without work) and I have nothing pressing so I have no reason to be stressed - but I would still work myself into a frenzy - just for fun. So this is good. This is comforting and it's not food - how about that!! What a novel concept.

Break Ups

Break ups are hard. I was reminded of that recently. Even when everyone is on the same page and knows it's time or for the best - it's still hard and traumatic. And what I hate most is how puppy doggish I get. I'm so ready to wag my tail and be best friends again. I have very short term memory when it comes to people. It's taken me many years to realize "forgive and forget" is not a long term strategy - rather "forgive and be cautious" works much better. I know this was part of what was going on last weekend. So I'm trying to be mature and know that we all can still run into each other and laugh and get along but it can't be the same.

I once had someone quit in an awful way - mean, hurtful, accusatory. I wrote a kind note back and wished her well. I ran into her a few years later and recognized her but didn't recall the details - I gave her a hug and talked a bit and it wasn't until afterward that the details of our last contact came back to me. Kurt said he wondered how it would go when he saw her walk through the door - but I just don't remember the bad very well. It's a good thing in general, but it also puts me in the line of fire much more than necessary.

Stuff the Piñata

Okay, I'm getting bored with myself. You know those people whose life is full of drama & they are always telling you all the drama going on, looking for sympathy or understanding and you just keep thinking, "You are bringing this all on yourself!!" But they SOOOOOO don't see it nor are ready to, so you have to keep your mouth shut & say little things like, "So what might have been another way to have handled that?" Well, I'm now the one that I'm tired of hearing complain!! If you don't like where you are - MOVE! Boy, that's Freudian.

I played "Stuff the Piñata" with myself last night and I was thinking, "Why am I doing this to myself? What am I missing?" Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah. Enough Wendy. I'm getting bored with the drama. So new day, new attitude. I'm over myself right now & I'm going to get out of my head and into the moment. I'm going to listen to more music, move more and enjoy the wonderful life I get to enjoy right now. I'm going to enjoy that I've lost 90 lbs (81 on plan) and that it's easier to enjoy life. I'm going to enjoy the fun I have with my amazing kids and not worry about losing weight. I bet if I enjoyed where I am, I'd end up losing weight anyway because I'd be enjoying life!! Let's see how this works out . . .

It all makes sense now

A week into my mom being on program and it all makes sense now!! She has thoroughly designed her own individual program and isn't to be bothered with the scientific, proven method - she'll just do it her own way. The truth is, her own way is still better than her old way, but it really has helped me see why dieting has never been effective for me my whole life. I was enrolled into every diet program out there from about the age of 12 and I have always modified them into obscurity. They were always eventually unrecognizable after a few weeks. NOW I KNOW WHY!!! I thought it was me - I should know the mother is always to blame. Have I learned nothing from my many years of therapy!! Always go back and blame the mom! I just needed a fresh perspective.

Bubble off Plumb

My friend, N, was preparing a meal at J's house. J's dogs were running all around and getting under feet. Now, J doesn't have children but dogs instead. I saw a sign once that describes her, "I had kids once, but the dogs were allergic to them". So N asks her to please put them in the laundry room or on the deck, so she could cook & not twist an ankle. "NOOOO - we don't put the dogs out!" Later N complains, "I just couldn't believe that - here I'm trying to cook and I'm going to break an ankle because the dogs are so special!" And I think - "HEY! You are the one that brought your kids to EVERY event despite the invitations clearly saying 'No Kids' " We all have our blinders on and our areas of protection. J's is the dogs - they are to be babied and protected. N's was her kids - she wasn't about to get a babysitter - we would just have to deal with her kids for the night. And mine is FOOD! I have no pets and I have NO problem hiring a babysitter - but ask me to give up eating out or denying myself comfort food and I think you're asking me to give up air. What I think is funny is how in our own minds, we are thoroughly justified and normal but to others, we are a bit bonkers. So I'm trying to keep in my head that this thinking is not normal and justified but rather demonstrates I'm a bubble off plumb!

Why so sad?

So Kurt & I head out for our "anniversary weekend" after a day or two of fighting. I'm already a bit on edge but need the days off. I take along a biography of Cloris Leachman - don't ask me why, I just found some biographies at the library & grabbed a few of them. The book is happy and she's a very inspiring upbeat person but I start crying near the beginning of the book - then I cry more and by the time it's about 10 pm, I'm in the "pit of despair" sadness. I described this a few blogs back - this state of sadness that I've had my whole life - udder despair and sadness. So I'm avoiding Kurt, hanging out in the hot tub trying to figure out why I'm crying and feeling so much sadness. So here are the thoughts that ran through my head:

I always felt like a chachka (bet you didn't know it was spelled that way!!) in the life of my parents. I was the obligatory girl. I wasn't meant to be smart or talented or a contributing member of the family unit - I was to be the cute girl. I literally felt and acted invisible for years. I dreamt of running away and finding my place in life. I always felt as if the song "which one of these is not like the other" was playing when the 4 of us were in the same room. Reading about how Cloris' mom was so supportive and loving and made her feel so special from an early age, made me feel extreme sadness. It also made me feel sad that I am not living up to my potential when it comes to my daughter. I know I make her feel as if she's annoying me or getting in my way - more often than is acceptable. I just felt so sad - I have always felt so sad. It makes me want to cry now.

I then thought, as I was crying, how extravagant of me to be crying and wallowing in my sadness when people actually had horrible childhoods and real pain in their life. But then I thought, "Well then, they can cry too - I'm not stopping them. It doesn't mean I don't feel sadness as well." So there! The truth is, I'm sure the majority of people felt out of place and unsupported by their parents - I'm just sure it affects some of us more deeply than others.

I then worked at trying to remember enjoyable moments with my mom. She began taking me on trips - just her and me or me and a friend once I turned, maybe 11? I don't remember when those started - and those were good memories. But before that, the only memories that I could come up with were about food - we would go to her favorite Japanese restaurant about twice a year and I could eat with chop sticks by the age of 5. We would get slurpies at 7-11 when I behaved. We would go get ice cream on special occasions. And I remember one date night with my dad where we went to Farrell's. All food memories. I have 2 pictures that I took as a kid with my cheap little camera - one is my mom yelling at me to get into the car - she looked stressed and irritated and the other is my dad with a look of "gosh, you got me" and a little smile. These pictures thoroughly sum up my experiences with my parents. Always irritating my mom and getting in her way and my dad being laid back and casual. Of course my dad was on the road and not around very much.

DISCLAIMER - I give my parents TONS of credit for being such good parents. With the shaky start and lack of family kindness they came from, it's a wonder they did as well as they did. My brother and I have strong, lasting marriages and are very spiritual people - because of my parents. What I've learned is that sadness and hole in my soul that I experience has less to do with good parenting and more to do with my individual needs as a human. It's not their "fault" it's more just what I happen to need. And now it's my job to find a way to fill that void and not use food to do that.