First Goal Met!

I'm still shocked that I am now below 300. Again I'll say it - Do you know how long I've been "trying" to reach that goal??? And it's so much easier now to do this whole "diet" thing. I say "diet" even though I now see that this is how I will be eating from now on. I still have my moments of wanting to eat for reasons other than nourishment, but I can pretty much talk myself through those situations. I ate off program a little bit on the way to the beach last week - I had a few bites of refried beans w/ my fajitas - & I felt horrible the next day. I felt bloated & sluggish. I'm sure it wasn't just the beans but probably the lard that they put in it. It reminded me how much I don't want to wake up feeling horrible every day. I would eat food knowing that it was going to make me sick the next day - that definitely seems a bit insane! But I felt it was too hard to eat correctly & I wasn't willing to make the sacrifice of yummy food - so I would eat.

I do wonder though, how I will cope with "yummy" food once I reach my goal. Will I never eat ice cream again? Will I choose it only occasionally? But then occasionally becomes weekly which then becomes every other day. So I'm happy with where I am but I'm still scared about reaching my goal. Of course I have a long way to go before I'm there.

Some of the other amazing benefits of losing this weight - my back went out last weekend & for the first time ever it went back in within a few minutes of stretching! That has NEVER happened before. And this weekend I had a Bug Party for my kids & I can't believe how well my body coped! I did need a few advil every night, but I can't believe that I'm still walking & functioning. And that's just 24 lbs. I really can't wait to see how I feel with another 50 off. That's my new goal - 250. When I reach 250 I can drop off Kurt's insurance, which costs us $400/month & go on my own.

This is good people - this is good!

Try to Lift That Pencil

So this is was Kurt & my argument for years - TRY! To me it's a dirty word. Should be stricken from the English language. Or at least taught to children in school what it actually means. To me, try means to put forth effort to do something without a clearly defined goal. To Kurt, it used to mean (maybe still does) to put forth effort to do something with the goal of successful accomplishment.

So "TRY" to lift that pencil. Most people LIFT the pencil - no, that's lifting - I said "TRY". To "TRY" to do something is not accomplishing it, it's merely trying. And when we get in the mode of "trying" it somehow clicks in our head that we don't have to accomplish the goal because "at least we tried". But the truth is, most things that we "try" to get done, could get done if we PLANNED!!! Now to Kurt, the word "planned" use to be an ugly word - I think with 3 kids, he has resigned to the fact that it's necessary now to plan.

So here's how a typical pattern works - "I'm trying to lose weight", I say as I'm eating a frosty. "I tried to finish the laundry", I say as I'm watching TV. "I tried to make it in service", but I didn't set my alarm & figured I would miraculously wake up on time. "I tried to get my work done" but I didn't go to bed at a decent hour & ate food that made me feel horrible the next day. The technical answer is, YES, try would be the right word, but not as I am using it. I did try without any plan for success. But when most of us use the word "TRY" as above, we think it means we should get credit for "trying".

So what do you think??

WOW!

It's been a struggle. There have been the moments that I just miss normalcy. I miss the old life. A few days ago it was just the horribleness of watching everyone eat homemade fresh peach pie & homemade mini pizzas made in the outdoor pizza oven. Those aren't fun moments but having lost almost 20 lbs is AMAZING!!

The other night I just needed to go out with Kurt & have a night away so I decided I could modify a meal at a restaurant and stay on program - so that's what I did. And it was great. I had to eat a hamburger with a knife & fork but I did well & besides feeling a bit bloated the next morning, I still have lost weight. I certainly can't do that every week, but I am retraining my brain that it's not all or nothing. It's just less often & modified. I'm sure people that quit drinking think they'll never have fun again on a Sat. night - but they will, it just won't be like it was.

I still feel overwhelmed by how far I have to go. I try not to think about that - but it's hard not to. My next big milestone is 299 & I should see that within 2 weeks, which I still can't believe. You have no idea how long I've been "trying" to do this. It's amazing when the pieces come together in your mind that allows a success. Thank you to EVERYONE that has been helping me and supporting me (or Kurt ignoring my horrible moods). And I owe a HUGE THANK YOU to NITA for your support last weekend. It was only by having your support that I got through the torture of watching everyone enjoy your food. It's like going to Ina Garten's house & bringing your own Costco chicken - but we did it & look - it's paying off!

Aspartame, Aspartame Everywhere but not a drop to drink!

So I'm going to kick the Aspartame habit for good. I know that it is horrible poison but I SOOOOO love my diet pepsi. And it's frustrating that the other no calorie drinks that are available just aren't available at convenience stores or drive thrus. So I have to drink coffee or ice tea or WATER, heaven forbid! But whenever I go back on Aspartame drinks I hang onto my weight. Kurt went of diet soda & lost 8 lbs. without even trying. And it's such a bad example for the kids. I don't want them to grow up on diet soda either. At least I grew up on Tab - that wasn't so bad now that we're looking back on things. Actually I saw it the other day @ Winco. Maybe I should stock up & go back to the good old saccharine days.

The Great Epiphany

The week before I started this new eating plan I was saying, "I just want to get this over with." Someone asked me what I meant. I meant that I didn't expect this process to be fun & I wanted to be on the other side. What I didn't realize is that even when I reach my goal, I won't be on the other side. The problem with people on diets is that exact thinking - that there will be an end to this new & improved eating program - that once you reach your goal, you can go back to the enjoyable lifestyle to which you had been accustomed. "Oh I know I can't eat like I did before, but I can eat a lot more than what I'm eating." But in reality, that will only put the weight back on.

The truth is, right now I need to eat 2700 calories a day to maintain my weight. Once I reach my goal I'll need to eat about 1800. But if I was honest, I was eating around 4000 calories on many days. I mean a Chipotle burrito alone is about 1000 calories & 98g of carbs. But I often had breakfast meetings and then Kurt & I often ate out for dinner. So when you're eating out all the time it's easy to eat 4000 calories in a day without even trying. Add a beer or wine & you've eaten 3 days' worth of calories.

So my horrible epiphany the other day was that THIS IS the other side. Right now I might be eating around 1100 calories a day but I won't be going back to my old life. I will be only adding a small lunch to what I'm doing now. THIS IS the reality - even when I reach my goal. It was actually a bit depressing. I'm hoping that when I'm thin it's less depressing, but we'll see. The days of wine & roses (beer & burritos) is behind me.

I Conquered the Weekend!

I thought about writing that I survived the weekend at the beach, but I feel like it was more like conquering it. It was a BIG deal to me to stick 100% to the food plan & not eat off plan at all & that's what I did. We did eat out twice but I allowed myself to be out of my comfort zone & became the picky orderer (Sally in "When Harry Met Sally") & even sent my salad back because they put the corn strips on it - I thought later I could have just picked them out. Whatever - I was on a mission.

What I was surprised at was what I missed the most - I missed eating all the way home. The drive home from any trip is torture. I'm SO waiting for them to figure out the transporter. Even with the warnings we received in the movie "The Fly", I'm willing to take the risk. Drive 3 hours home from the beach or become a fly - hmmmmm.

And Kurt & I had a date morning today & I missed going out to breakfast. It felt strange to not get up early with the anticipation of going out to breakfast. We both had the brilliant idea to go for a bike ride but I laid down until the feeling past. I'm not that salubrious yet!

How Could You Let This Happen?

I have a theory. I believe during the time it takes to gain the first 30 lbs., on your way to being totally unrecognizable as your former self, you have a part of you screaming, “What are you doing to us?!!!” This is probably true of most addictions or compulsions – like gambling or binge drinking. There is a part of yourself that knows this isn’t going to turn out well. But the reason why you’re doing what you’re doing – stress, sickness, sadness, escapism – whatever it is, it feels necessary to continue. But after those first 30 lbs. that voice tends to be drowned out quite a bit. You become numb to the voice & you have succumb to the numbing sensation of food as comfort.

But here’s where my theory takes a turn – I believe the result of this is the “not wanting to be alone with oneself”. In some that becomes almost another persona – someone larger than life. Someone over the top. Someone with really big hair. You know the girl – too much jewelry, too much makeup – this is an end result of drowning out the sane person hidden deep inside. The other extreme is the “I give up” persona, the thoroughly unkempt girl – this is more the direction I have gone. No makeup, cheap ugly clothes, not caring about one’s appearance. It’s the same thing – not being alone with your true self. I don’t believe you’ll find a lot of fat people that are in touch with their ‘authentic selves’.

And the most amazing thing happens when you give up using food as comfort, you have to be alone with yourself & your thoughts & feelings for the first time in quite a while. I found it uncomfortable. I even wondered why I didn’t like myself anymore. I know I didn’t like what I had allowed to happen, but I actually had to get to know myself again. I had to determine what was important to me and what I was going to care about and what relationships really meant something to me. The truth is, as I sit here writing this, I still don’t have a clear picture of who I am now. My life has become something foreign to me and I often feel as if I’m living someone else’s life. It’s not in any way a bad life, but it’s so different than what I thought my life would look like. I don’t relate to my life or know what I think of the person living it. I guess after one has been numb to life for so long, when you “come to” you don’t recognize where you’ve gone.

The truth is, I think it doesn’t matter too much, as long as you haven’t thoroughly destroyed yourself or your family. I mean, we’re all on the rat’s wheel anyway so, in the end, we’re all in the same place after 20 years – it just has different wallpaper. But it is an odd sensation to wake up to yourself and your life not knowing yourself or knowing who you are anymore. Maybe this is just a result of getting older. Maybe we all wake up & don’t recognize ourselves anymore. Maybe allowing myself to get so large is just a small element in a process that was going to happen eventually.

But to answer the question – it’s quite easy to allow this to happen - after the first 30 pounds, that is.