$4.50 for Water!

I just went to the movies (The Proposal - better than I expected) & I paid $4.50 for water. I actually debated in my head to buy a pop instead because it seemed so wrong to pay $4.50 for a bottle of water. Of course, I could have had nothing but I kind of wanted something. I find it amazing how I have actually made poor food choices because I didn't want to pay the money for a better food choice. Salads or fresh fish is always more expensive than a hamburger. Or to eat at a fast food joint is always cheaper than to go to Subway. And pop is usually less expensive than a bottle of water. I guess all those years of being brought up by the thrift store queen have sunk down into my being. I need to shake off those genes & pay the darn $4.50 for a bottle of water & feel good about it! How else am I ever going to look as good naked as Sandra Bullock?

"And the woman saw that it was good . . ."

Gen. 3:6, "And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat."

This helped me figure out another inexplicable behavior of mine. I couldn't understand why I would eat food that I knew I didn't like or that I took a bite & found that I didn't like, but I still would eat the whole thing. For example, I was at a gathering and the hostess had made apple pie. I don't like apple pie. I have never liked apple pie. When I have company I often make apple pie because I know I won't be tempted to eat it. But everyone was going on & on about how good the pie was so I had a piece. I took one bite &, yes, it was indeed apple pie. I didn't care for it. But I ate the whole thing. I felt crazy. Why would I do this? I contemplated this for days & finally the scripture above came to me. Eve saw the fruit, didn't know what it tasted like, but saw that it looked good. And with that limited knowledge alone, she ruined the next thousand years of mankind's history. She was the first emotional eater.

As I thought about this I thought of how many decisions we make with our eyes. In fact, I saw a test of people that ate a hearty breakfast with a blindfold vs. eating without a blindfold & the people that couldn't see said they were done LONG before those that could see. The other test was similar. They had people fill their plate & as they went to pay, the cashier sneezed on their food - so they said, "We'll take this one, go make yourself another plate." What the people didn't know is that when they went back, they gave them larger plates. They then weighed the food on the first plate & the second & saw that people took MUCH more with the larger plates. Put these two tests together & you can see why we eat entirely TOO much.

Lesson learned? Use a smaller plate, eat with a blindfold & don't decide what to eat based on what it looks like.

Hallmark Food Moments

One of the fascinating things that I discovered is that I couldn't resist a Hallmark Food Moment. I would wonder, "Why did I just eat when I wasn't at all hungry?" or "Why didn't I just tell my friend that called to go out to lunch and that I had already eaten?" Well, it came down to not wanting to miss out on a Hallmark Food Moment. Picture a cheesy Lifetime drama - the people are always in the perfect circumstance to find each other & find true love - their car breaks down, they find themselves in a rain storm, they get into the same elevator - you know. Well, I made eating food into the same cheesy drama. For example, I had already eaten lunch but when I ran an errand, I had locked my keys in the car. While I had to wait for the guy, there was a deli right across from the parking lot - "Hallmark Food Moment" - had to go in, get something to eat & wait for the guy. The more experienced counselor would recognize this as emotional eating - eating to escape boredom and stress. But at the time I coined the phrase, "Hallmark Food Moment". Another example, I had already eaten and a friend calls to see what I'm doing for lunch, "Nothing, where do you want to go?". I'm not going to turn down going out with a friend & I don't want her to eat alone . . . I still find it hard to tell someone that I have already eaten or that I can't join them. I still find it hard to wait in my car without something to eat when there's a Starbucks right over there (you know, they are ALWAYS right over there). But now at least I recognize why I'm so tempted and can pigeon hole the thought instead of feeling compelled to act on it.

1st Challenging Weekend

So I've been following the Take Shape for Life food program which is paired with Medifast. I eat 5 Meal Replacements and 1 Lean & Green meal a day. It's a simple program to follow - very little thinking about food. After you get over the 'being hungry' phase, it's actually quite easy. But this is my first challenging weekend. We are visiting my in-laws in Long Beach, WA & I have quite the food history with this peninsula. Of course, following the program outside of the luxury of my own home makes it a bit more difficult - smelling & watching the family eat fresh blueberry pancakes this morning wasn't fun (at least she didn't make bacon!) - and going to the picnic (that I'm now avoiding) to watch everyone eat hamburgers & hot dogs & all the fixins' won't be fun. But we've been coming here for 15 years & I know the best ice cream shop, the best sandwich shop, the best Chinese food restaurant, the best clam chowder, the best breakfast restaurant - I know them all. You know what it's like - you look forward to eating at your favorite restaurants on your favorite vacations. I've made it my habit to value the "Hallmark Food Moment". I'll describe that later - but basically I make the event revolve around food instead of anything else. I'm sure there are other fun things to focus on, but I haven't been looking for so long, it's a whole new experience. So I'm off to the picnic. I'll let you know how it goes!

Car Analogy

We don't fill our car's tank with gas when we are depressed, lonely, bored or have a date with friends. We fill it when it is near empty. We need to view eating in the same manner & stop eating for reasons other than hunger and energy.

I Miss Food

I miss food. I'm thrilled at how well this program is working but I miss food. I miss the social aspect, I miss the entertainment aspect, I miss the flavor aspect & the feeling of being full. I miss the smells & textures. I miss the being waited on.

What I don't miss is the confusion of "What program am I doing today?" "What am I allowing myself to eat today?" "How do I not eat everything on my plate?" I don't miss the feeling of being stuffed, the feeling of beating myself up for having done that to myself again, the feeling of low blood sugar or being hungry while not having enough room in my stomach to eat more (when I've eaten totally the wrong thing.) I don't miss yo-yoing up & down every day because of water weight. I don't miss my huge pants being too snug. I don't miss being lethargic int he morning or the horrible feeling I feel after eating ice cream.

Food Addiction? Really?

So as I was listening to James Frey on Oprah (while she was still a believer) he was talking about addiction & listed food addiction right along side drugs & alcohol. Up until this point I didn't believe there was such a thing as food addiction but as he said what addiction was - as I recall he said it was a means of escape, a way to avoid feeling your stuff - I began to think about it. I certainly felt addicted, I had withdrawal symptoms when I didn't eat "treats", I literally felt the "AHHHHHH" feeling the moment I swallowed my first bite of something, when I was totally stressed out or overwhelmed I HAD to go get something to eat, I had to eat a "treat" before I balanced the checkbook or paying bills. "Yes" I thought, "I think I have an addiction to food." So now what? Do I check into a food rehab place? I looked it up and found that those places are for people with the opposite problem with food. So I eventually found Ellen Shuman & began working with her. She calls it Emotional Eating instead of food addiction but it looks & feels the same to me.

The first thing she had me do was ask myself before I ate, "What am I asking food to do for me at this moment?" I began making that my habit & found that most of the time the answer was entertain me or calm me down - it was rarely about feeling hungry. Even though this was enlightening, it didn't stop me from eating. The next step was allowing myself to feel the feelings that I was trying to escape by eating. This took a while but eventually I found those feelings bubbling to the surface & coming out at the most inappropriate times. As someone once described to me, holding down your feelings is like holding a large bouncy ball under the water. It will eventually come up & trying to hold it down is exhausting.

One evening I was sitting in a meeting holding my sleeping twins when someone started giving a talk about endurance. It was very much what I needed to hear but found myself crying with no way to get up & hide myself or wipe my nose. I slowly had to take one sock off at a time from the boys & use them for my nose until Kurt, my husband, came back to help. I found that I had to cry a lot for about 1 year before it got better. I had to journal (which I usually hate) & continue working with Ellen to get more clear about things. She kept telling me to trust myself that I can handle my feelings without food. Sometimes I could & sometimes I couldn't & just "needed" to eat to feel better & calm down.

It's now been about 3 years since I began working on my emotional eating & I still cry a lot more than before. Sometimes I find myself crying in the car for no reason at all except that I'm feeling stressed or I need to release all the pent up frustration. Not for "no reason" because letting out my emotions is actually much more healthy than bottling them up with food. I also had to work with Ellen to find out how to better communicate with Kurt so we dealt with things right away instead of fighting about dirty dishes for 3 weeks until the real reason revealed itself. Now we fight about dirty dishes for about a 1/2 hr before we take a break & then discuss the real issues.

And, the most amazing thing - I am not eating to deal with my emotions now. Especially now on this new food plan I am eating when I'm hungry & for no other reason. This would have been IMPOSSIBLE a few years ago. I can watch someone eat something amazing looking or go to a party with sweets & not even have a bite. Again, something I'm still amazed at. From feeling like had NO control over my actions & feeling as if I was being controlled by some other person to feeling totally in control of my actions is a very powerful feeling.

What I do still have are the thoughts - "Oh, there's a Starbucks, I can get a scone" "I'm close to the Teriyaki place" "A frosty sounds good". A drive through town elicits about 25 food thoughts. But now I don't act on them. I feel frustrated that I still have the thoughts but I'm sure in time even those will go away or diminish considerably. I have learned to immediately say to myself, "It's just a thought. Thoughts have no power or will on their own - they are merely a thought."

I'm sure like all addicts, I still miss the feeling that food would give me for a few minutes. Addiction is a strange thing - such a wonderful rush with such long lasting remorse. And I still question whether I'm really past it or whether this is a temporary control. I guess nothing is forever so if I don't use the skills that I learned, I guess I can easily go back to my old patterns. I feel the pang of fear every so often but then I remind myself how far I've come.