Post Move . . .

I have been using our move as an excuse - well, I've been using everything as an excuse, homeschool, illness, parties, moving, etc. - for not being on plan. And I have thus gained about 15 lbs (maybe more). And I'm HORRIBLY uncomfortable, angry & frustrated with myself. Of course, I know none of those emotions are necessary or helpful so on we go. No need to beat myself up for anything - just make the correction & make it right. So I'm in the house, I have no excuses or reasons to not be on plan. I know there are so many emotions that come up when I start back on plan but I am capable of handling the emotions without food & I'm capable of dealing with the discomfort I experience those first few days. I AM CAPABLE. I AM ENOUGH. I AM GETTING THE JOB DONE!

Old War Wounds

We so often go about figuring things out backwards - like, "Why do I self-sabotage?" or "Why do I binge at night?" Instead of doing it over & over & asking "WHY?" just don't do it & you'll get pretty clear, pretty quick what you've been trying to avoid! It seems so much easier to lie awake at night with an uncomfortably full stomach or with acid reflux & be focused on the 'beating myself up' dance than to lie awake with the pain from the past.

I've been staying on program for a couple of weeks now & I've been dealing with a lot of stuff that I've been able to stuff for a long time. It's amazing how those pains of long ago, those deep deep pains rise to the surface when there's no lasagna pushing them down. And what I find fascinating is that the old wounds aren't current anymore - I have really done a great job re-fashioning my life to not resemble my former life anymore. And, yet, when I remove my drug of choice (food) they rise to the surface again! That seems so unfair! 

When I asked my last counselor about this a few years ago - how to get rid of it - she said, "It won't go away. It's your job as an adult to nurture this pain & carefully guard it because you're going to carry it around with you all your adult life. But as you care for it it will sting less." Or something to that affect - it's hard to pay attention between sobs. 

So I wake up feeling a bit raw & not wanting to carry around old wounds - and yet not being given the choice to rid myself of them in this system. But . . . if there's a bright side - which there always is - I don't want to eat. I have NO cravings today. That is DEFINITELY a victory! So I'll take it!

Day 4 of 30

Well, things kind of fell apart today. I really didn't do well & kind of just gave up - not ice cream gave up, but chips gave up. So let's analyze. Emotional Intelligence is not about trying & failing & then trying again just to fail again. Raising your EQ requires failing & then evaluating & then goal setting & THEN working the plan again. Evaluating is a primary ingredient to raising one's EQ. So where did I fail to plan today? 1) I didn't sleep well - first problem - I was up until 2 am. So I need to take my Calms around 10 pm EVERY night. It does not harm so there is NO reason not to. 2) I didn't plan out my meals today so when my husband's computer broke first thing in the morning it meant I needed to get ready quickly, go shopping for hours, navigate Costco (which I was good through Costco - no samples, no food!) But then I was too hungry which meant I came home & made not great choices & then when I left the house with Emily I made worse choices. No plan for dinner, which meant eating out, which meant eating cheap - nothing good can come from eating cheap! So tomorrow - Friday. I will go to sleep early tonight. And when I go to our family lunch tomorrow I'll eat an omelette & coffee. I will eat MR throughout the rest of the day, have them with me & drink TONS of water first thing. That is my plan for tomorrow! I can do this!! 

Day 3 of 30

Today wasn't meant to be a good one. I'll spare you the details but it just wasn't going to go well from the start. So what to do on days like this? My more recent inclination is to order Jimmy Johns & drown my sorrow in carbs. My old, old inclination was to call a friend & really eat rotten. But today I just cried. I had to be happy with crying. it's just not as satisfying or fun but it's what I have left. A good cry & a hot shower!

Day 2 of 30

So today was easier than it should have been, sticking to program-wise, because my less-than-a-year-old crown broke in two last night. So I spent 2 1/2 hours this morning with multiple hands in my mouth & no desire to chew for the rest of my life. So no solids for me today - trying to eat every 3 hrs was challenging enough. Having said that I am expecting a HUGE "I DESERVE TO TREAT MYSELF" urge tomorrow. This coupled with the text, "Let's meet for dinner tomorrow" sent up red flags to my "keep it together" self. So let's plan ahead while I'm still too uncomfortable to eat. I am going to eat dinner early & I am probably going to let Kurt have the car so I can't leave during the day. I think all those tactics will keep me on plan tomorrow - just remove the alcohol & sharp objects & I'll be fine! So day 2 almost done - just need to drink a LOT more water & I'm just not going to worry about exercising. My jaw did the workout for my body today - we're calling that good!

DAY 1 of 30

Alrighty! Here I am again after a couple of years! I've spent a few years taking on too much, distracting myself from my journey & using a TON of excuses. But home schooling has made me slow down & having the goal of coaching/speaking being my ONLY job has made me reassess where I'm at & I've made some major changes.

So Emily & I have begun a 30 day challenge - stay true on program for 30 days, exercise at any level every day & drink all our water every day! I'm going to need this blog because the food thoughts sure do creep in! The wanting to use going out to lunch as a get-away from school or a treat is huge. But I want this more. I want to stay true & determined & help us both move toward our goals!

One more thought - I have such amazing clients - clients that have such bigger life challenges than me - they have so many more "excuses" than me. And to see them succeed and fight and stay true has really motivated me. I'm so proud of them! And I'm so honored to be in their lives and be part of their support team! Love you guys!!

Why so glum?

I often wonder why this time around on my journey is so much different the first time. I started the program the end of '09 and my life was absolutely unrecognizable. Our nanny of three and half years had just moved out. Our finances were in the process of controlled collapse. Physically, I was at an absolute low and I was trying to recover. The only thing I had any control over is what I put in my mouth and I truly felt like I had nothing at all to lose. Staying on program actually gave me a sense of control and something to shoot for every day and as I lost weight it became my one & only beacon of hope. This time around feels much different. My family is much more independent. Everyone is self-sufficient most of the day and my sense of loneliness is very acute throughout the day. Through the process of losing weight and changing lifestyles, many of my friends are not to be found as much. Now-a-days food is a constant companion during the day. And going through a day without a lunch or food experience to look forward to makes me feel like there's nothing to look forward to the whole day. I don't know how to change this. I think I need to sit with the feelings & try to imagine how I want my life to look. Right now it feels like a lose, lose. Eat & feel numb but stay heavy or stick to 5&1 & feel depressed. I assume when I begin losing weight consistently my attitude will change - but I'm not there yet.